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So, it's been a while since I've been on here, but a background: my partner is an alcoholic, he quit drinking in May but was never really sober, more abstained from alcohol. In September, he started drinking again, stopped for a month, drank in October, stopped for a month, and went full on back to "I'll have it when I want, how I want it" in November. The last time was bad--he left the apartment after he had some while I was busy, called a bit later from the liquor store (he'd gone to get more, cuz it wasn't enough), he had a flat. I went there and convinced him to leave the tire for tomorrow (I had an image of him not doing it properly in his state and something worse happening). He went to get back in his car and I took his keys--he was drunk, had a flat, who knows what damage he would've caused. A big scene happened in the parking lot--lots of him threatening, trying to break my window (I was terrified and hid in my car to keep myself out of his reach). Eventually, I got him home, didn't give him the keys till we were there and away from his car. The next two weeks (up until now), he still maintains I was wrong, should have given the keys, etc. He wants to drink whenever he wants and I need to be okay with it--so, we tried "rationing" last night (I believe in the law of attraction, but also experience has taught me that rationing wouldn't work--if it's in the house, he wants it, if he's had a taste, he wants more)--and lo and behold, he drank his "ration" and went back to his angry streak towards me from the past two weeks because he wants more--and I'm in the way of drinking without responsibility. I didn't fight, I tried to come up with a plan to tackle the rationing idea (something to fill the void, how can we plan better, what do u think we need to do to keep us on track of our allotted amount for the night)--and he turns around with his hostility that I'm sick of which comes out whenever th demon is in full swing, that he's never confronted because he wants it to stay or doesn't know what he'd do if it left, tells me he'll just wait till I'm asleep and start going to hotels to drink the way he wants. So, I left. I need time apart. I'm tired. Spending a few nights at my sister's--he texted me with "I'm not talking about this any further and will do as I see fit"--well, ok then. Not sure there's really anything left to say. I'm just tired. This is too big and he's never gonna stop because he doesn't want to and he treats me like shit when he's drunk (he's an angry drunk) and like s*** when he wants it and the demon is out. Just tired. Thanks for listening :)
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 9th of December 2015 07:59:44 AM
My experience is that nothing you do will change whether he drinks or not. It is futile. When I am feeling overwhelm, it helps tremendously if I go to a f2f al-anon meeting. Listening to how others have managed to navigate life by focusing on their selves and not the A is a gift from my HP. Thinking of focusing on your self is a daunting task for you now but little by little it sinks in. Sounds like your situation could escalate into something that might not be safe for you. That is something you need to consider. Soon, others with a lot more experience will chime in here.. Take care of yourself!
I think you did the right thing by taking a break and getting out for now. I understand where you are at and how tired you must be. Many of us here have walked in your shoes and it's not a fun place to be. I second the suggestion to find an Al Anon meeting near you. I used to say that my alcoholic was like Jekyl and Hyde and sometimes when he was sober it was worse because I never knew who I was going to get.
Please keep yourself safe and put yourself and your safety first. I have to head out to work or I'd write more, but I just want to say welcome to the boards and keep coming back.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Welcome back, it sounds like you are at *your* bottom. That's the best time to go to a meeting, even though it's quite often the time we least feel like it. Hope you can get to one, and get some batteries recharged from people who've had similar experiences.
I have to agree - it seems as if he's going to do what he's going to do and you now are left with owning your choices, actions, consequences, etc.
I am glad that you've taken the first couple steps - detached (by leaving) and sharing here - a form of surrender.
Please get to the program and choose you. The best path to peace, serenity and joy is the program, steps, and the new way to live.
(((Hugs))) - so sorry that you're where you are - it can and will get better if you choose you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
So, it's been a while since I've been on here, but a background: my partner is an alcoholic, he quit drinking in May but was never really sober, more abstained from alcohol. In September, he started drinking again, stopped for a month, drank in October, stopped for a month, and went full on back to "I'll have it when I want, how I want it" in November. The last time was bad--he left the apartment after he had some while I was busy, called a bit later from the liquor store (he'd gone to get more, cuz it wasn't enough), he had a flat. I went there and convinced him to leave the tire for tomorrow (I had an image of him not doing it properly in his state and something worse happening). He went to get back in his car and I took his keys--he was drunk, had a flat, who knows what damage he would've caused. A big scene happened in the parking lot--lots of him threatening, trying to break my window (I was terrified and hid in my car to keep myself out of his reach). Eventually, I got him home, didn't give him the keys till we were there and away from his car. The next two weeks (up until now), he still maintains I was wrong, should have given the keys, etc. He wants to drink whenever he wants and I need to be okay with it--so, we tried "rationing" last night (I believe in the law of attraction, but also experience has taught me that rationing wouldn't work--if it's in the house, he wants it, if he's had a taste, he wants more)--and lo and behold, he drank his "ration" and went back to his angry streak towards me from the past two weeks because he wants more--and I'm in the way of drinking without responsibility. I didn't fight, I tried to come up with a plan to tackle the rationing idea (something to fill the void, how can we plan better, what do u think we need to do to keep us on track of our allotted amount for the night)--and he turns around with his hostility that I'm sick of which comes out whenever th demon is in full swing, that he's never confronted because he wants it to stay or doesn't know what he'd do if it left, tells me he'll just wait till I'm asleep and start going to hotels to drink the way he wants. So, I left. I need time apart. I'm tired. Spending a few nights at my sister's--he texted me with "I'm not talking about this any further and will do as I see fit"--well, ok then. Not sure there's really anything left to say. I'm just tired. This is too big and he's never gonna stop because he doesn't want to and he treats me like shit when he's drunk (he's an angry drunk) and like s*** when he wants it and the demon is out. Just tired. Thanks for listening :)
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 9th of December 2015 07:59:44 AM
This is the second post today I have read that I felt like I was reading much of my own story, and really brought back some feelings of anger and resentment that I thought I had fully let go of. Probably my HP's way of preparing my for my 4th step as I begin to embark on it. At any rate ...
I remember the one time I made the mistake of letting her drive to an event we attended not thinking there would be beer there, or thinking once she started drinking she wouldn't give me the keys to get us home. I walked home 8 miles that night, with her risking arrest by pulling up next to me and yelling at me from the car to get in ... or pulling ahead of me and then waiting for me to get to her so she could lecture me out the car window about what a jerk I was being. I remember the horrible argument when I finally got home after she followed me the final 1.5 miles driving behind me on the road with her flashers on at about 3 miles an hour. II remember so well my futile attempts at bargaining with my wife as she slipped back into active disease after detoxing and then not having a program in place. I tried the whole 'lets make a deal ... you can drink on Days X, Y and Z and I won't complain, or lecture ... I will give you those days. In exchange, you will agree to be sober days A,B,C and D so that we can handle the stuff that needs to get handled for the family when we are both sober'. That lasted exactly 3 days ... She was Sober on Day A, Drunk on Day X ... and then I came home from work to find her drunk on Day B. I lost it. And then, she used it as an excuse to get even drunker. That was the day I basically checked out of my life's family ... I had hit my bottom, though I didn't know it. I just stopped coming home most days until I knew she would be passed out. What I found out the hard way, was that she was never going to stop ... until she chose to stop. She had a lot farther to go before she got finally got there. And all that time, I just hid from it all ... either by working late, or going to a friend or relatives house, or to a bar (how ironic) to watch a ballgame until I figured it was 'safe' to go home. Then I slept on the couch and tried to get out in the morning before I had to face her as to avoid the argument I knew was coming if we saw each other face to face. In a sense, I left just like you have ... I did what I had to do to survive, given the limited tools at my disposal. She eventually hit her bottom ... and it was through that, I found my way to AlAnon. We are both active in recovery and those painful times are behind us today.
There is always hope that your partner will find his bottom too, though I know we both know there is no gaurantee of that. In the meantime, getting to regular Face 2 Face meetings might offer a great way for you to get or sharpen some tools in your toolbox to help you cope with the pain of the active disease in a healthier way for you.
My guy texted me just as I was leaving work. .said he needed to get high. Sent him list to some meetings and went to the gym. Ran my best time..checked my messages..he'd fallen asleep.
When I let my hp take over life is so much easier
