The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sleep just wont come tonight im consumed with worry and so many feelings i cant name. I want to and have told my daughter we are moving outfriday. She says NO. For me it means doing an overnight then coming back.here to get the dresser and rest of clothes on saturday when husb is with daughter. .If he and she cooperate. My.mind is racing with what to take, how to pack and what to do with whats left. . Im moving furniture items another time. .Its clotes, dresser, computer, bathroom stuff and ME. And then theres my Emma. Shes mad, shes saying no, her father and i barely speak so i anticipate no support from him come friday. Im scred bc although we completed our work with div med nothing is binding. .Sure she has our signed contract. .And sure weve agreed to E being with me wed thursd frid to saturd and eo satur to sund but shes refusing. And i cant stand it hete. The argueing and manipulating escalates. My feelings go heywire and everything just get worse as the holidays approach. Im sooooo very exhausted. . I sleep 3-4 hrs a night and work in a childre and family mental health clinic by day and yet MY own kid is a mess, husb is like jeckyl and hyde and i just want OUT. I dont know how to handle my 11 yo. . Allow her to.refuse? Force her? Think dad will help, my heart breaks bc she blames me while at the same time im ANGRY. Sure im leaving. . Only bc i cant maintain this ridiculous driveway through the winter without HIS help anfmd i dont want it and at this point hes not agreeing to go anyway. Im the bad guy, my heart aches at not laying in my daughters bed in her ultra cool room, im even thinking i may miss the dog although i adm thats crazy talkon my part. Im leaving. Im the one shes mad at. Ok sure i gave up.on this marriage a while ago. . But i didnt have one serious affair and another drunken sex long term affair, i didnt spend 3-4 nights out every week, i didnt ailienate myself from healthy me. . Wgat i did, i didnt show interest in his business, help himm with his bills, help him with his apt house. . No i stayed home caring for a child, being cinsistent, cooking, cleaning, caretaking, oh yes and working my own job. And yet im the one shes mad at and refusing to go.with friday. Im the one " ruining christmas" and not sleeping. Iwill take my blame. . Fine. But he will give his lip service beg me to stay and then fault find. I wouldve kept playing this merry go round game had i not found sex pics of him and our neighbor "friend" in late october and then realized and had it admitted that it had been TWO years. . I wouldve played the game, isolated more, stayed the " goid wife and mom" and yes slowly died emotionally. . But i probably woykdve stayed but bc i found the pics which confirmed my suspicions, im the ONE. . i dont know how to handle my own kid. . My cherish. . Shes been my all and uve been hers and now hes HERO and im getting the cold shoukder. Do i just go friday, stay at my friends, make her come and just keep stepping through it. . I dont know. I DO know our argueing is worsening, my exhaustion us increasing and my spirit is weary. My therapist and therapist friends say "go. .Daughter will come around". .my gut says go. . My heart says. . Im scared. . And yet all i want is REST.
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
It's very hard for those of us outside the situation to know exactly how things are, but if your therapist has given you sound and helpful advice up to this point, maybe it is okay to follow her suggestions at this point.
I have seen that sometimes children cling to the more unreliable parent because they know the reliable parent will always be there for them - they can "relax" about that parent - but they feel enormous anxiety about the unreliable parent, as if they can't take their eye off him or he will disappear. Because the unreliable parents are so volatile and unpredictable. So it could be that your daughter's anxiety at being away from her dad would be sky-high because she doesn't know if he'd still be around if she took her eye off him.
I do know that people "catch" emotions from us and that the more calm you can find within yourself, the more the overall situation will tend to be calmer.
Are you sure that you can't take care of the driveway by yourself, if that would be a help? I have a long impossible driveway and I have arrangements with neighbors and with a guy I pay who owns a snowplow. There must be many people who can't do their driveways themselves who find help. Sometimes we get so used to depending on our A that we forget there might be other ways.
Whatever steps you take next, take good care of yourself.
It seems very natural to be stressed and to feel scared this week and your thought of just keep stepping through it sounds like a good idea. I can easily imagine that when you are in your own space, building your own home, you may well find it easier to sleep - perhaps not immediately, but soon.
Mattie sounds very wise and I can completely understand her comments about young folks clinging to the unreliable, and perhaps more childlike, parent for a while. I am sure that your daughter will come to appreciate that your moving out is not at all about her or any failure on her part. But perhaps just for now she might be struggling to understand that. And that's ok as well isn't it?
Keep taking the best care of yourself that you can, one day at a time old friend.
Positive thoughts on the way TOCs Keep on having "smart feet".I believe your daughter" loves her" room" and that is the reason she is supporting dad.
Since the agreement has been negotiated and signed I would go with your decision and follow through I also think your therapist is correct. She will come around.
Im dealing with the same situation. im moving out this week. I dont know how id manage if i had kids so you are stronger than me. I find it easier to sit down and make a list. It helps but i also have those overwhelming feeligs of what did i forget, all the change of addresses,the money, the details . im soo tired,worried,anxious,hopeful etc
AH is being distantly polite and resigned today but i know that will change because he will be drinking this afternoon etc. just wishing you SERENITY in the middle of all the madness
Progress not Perfection and give yourself a break as a xmas gift
