The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Instead of spending another sleepless night of tossing and turning I thought I would finally face my reality head on and accept this pain in my heart. To be able to talk to people who understand the pain and maybe have suggestions to help get through these dark days.
The story...
I was born to an alcoholic mother who parents and siblings were also alcoholics. The grandparents are now gone. An uncle has gone to rehab twice. But no one would dare admit to being an alcoholic. My father is not an alcoholic so that lead to the instant tension in the household. I have an older sibling who verbally and physically abused me and got away with it. I told the school counselor when I was 9. I just recently read the reports from that time, no mention. When I confronted my parents in my teens about my brothers abuse my mom said "my brother did it to me" and shrugged, and my dad just pretended I didn't say anything like he pretended I wasn't screaming when I was getting the crap beat out of me as a kid. My mom is also a big smoker. And I somehow was born with asthma. But she refused to go outside and smoke. She could never put her own children first. I have memories of trying to wake up the passed out mother. Her trying to medicate her depression with alcohol and locking herself away in her room for weeks. I remember at 13 she told me I was the reason everything was wrong in her life. I was sent to a counselor who quickly realized I wasn't the one with the problems and got my parents in there for one session. Then he had an accident and broke both his legs. End of therapy. But instead the family doctor medicated me.... for not sleeping well. I still think I am a bit scarred from the fact the first time an adult believed me about everything - how swiftly he was removed as my protector.
At 18 I moved away to go to college. I had therapy for many years. Learned how strong I was. And understood I didn't need medication at all.... I wasn't depressed.
At 30 I moved back in with my parents to take a job. The housing market was tough. I finally bought a house and have been trying to fix it up. In all that time it became clear I was "cramping the lifestyle". My mom's drinking increased exponentially. She is generally in bed when i get home at 5:30pm. Passed out no later than 8pm. She mixes it with whatever pills she can get ahold of. I refuse to talk to her when I get home, since I learned she won't remember a damn thing. My primary care doctor said I was starting to show signs of PTSD.
A couple weeks ago we had a rough patch of weather here. I came home to her almost pass out drunk at 3pm when we were worried about having to leave the house because it wasn't safe. But that was no longer an option since we had to take care of her. Since then, she could only be focused on the damage to the house, and anything bad that happened to "her" (nothing happened to her). But in reality we fared so much better than so many people who lost so much. From all my years of therapy I just can't stand that negativity.
So for the last two weeks she now won't speak to me and my dad. Only leaves her room to eat, pee, smoke, play on Facebook or buy more alcohol/cigarettes. And she blames us for everything. And I pretty sure she daydreams about me dying or having some accident or something to get out of her life.
My father... he says he has tried. But I see no evidence. They just fight. There has been zero consequences for her and her drinking. She hasn't had a full time job in 30 years. He does all the shopping, cooking and laundry (and still holds a full time job). In my 20s I told her to choose between me or the drinking and we didn't talk for 6mo. I think that was the only "consequence" she ever had.
I have had to accept I am struggling with what I call proximity depression. Since I only ever get like this around her. But after reading about it on the al-anon site I guess it is pretty normal to feel quite horrible when your own mom wants you dead so she can drink more readily and I get the feeling she doesn't like feeling so judged in her home so she hates me for that too. But now I am not sleeping... so I have zero energy to finish the renovations on my house while working a full time job. I fear I will keep getting worse instead of moving towards my escape.
I am trying to regain my coping skills and remember I didn't ask to be created. She makes her own decisions and I happened to be one of them. So she needs to learn to cope with that, not me. But its hard. I have on my schedule to go to my first Al-anon meeting Sunday.
I'm sorry to hear of your pain, I can relate. There are online meetings here, twice a day. The pain of addiction is awful, though I think there's something unique to being a child of one. Its not you, is all I can say. For me, I'm facing the prospect of accepting that my mother is simply incapable of loving others. Whether this is addiction based I don't know nor wish to find out; but I do know a good foundation in alanon is a blessing to all of us affected by another's addiction. Remember, you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it nor Cure it. Its not very easy to live with memories of emotional cruelty, therapy is a wonderful additional tool, one I too am again availing myself of, and one I see you are familiar with. Lots of hugs, keep coming back, and take care of you, best you can.
Welcome I agree with A41. You are not alone and alanon can help Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the miracle of connecting with others who truly understand is amazing. Please continue to reach out There is hope
I found not living in a toxic Environment was the only way
i could begin to really heal and Detach. It sounds like you are
in the thick of it, i suffered From trauma and it took me a long
time of being safe to Ease its Hold on me. I still have some
Situational depression.
Definetely ftf alanon meetings will help you. They will
Give you a strong foundation and learn the art of self
Love, acceptance and care with your HP holding your hand.
I was going to therapy my head knew all kind if things,
alanon opened Up my heart and soul to be nourished. It
is a spiritual Program of self love and self kindness.
Feeling safe is so very important, alanon will teach you all kinds
Of coping skills. It takes awhile To really change and grow, or
it did me. Change is hard, it Also it takes awareness and
willingness To behave different.
I too go to therapy when needed. Some problems are so
Deeply rooted and have left scars. Abuse is a nasty Word all
Way around. It brings out shame and guilt even when We
were the receivers. This is where having a HP helps, giving
you the Courage and strength and not going it alone.
Thank you everyone for lending me some strength today. It is nice to hear from people who have been there, which I only recently only realized how badly I needed. I wish there was a big broth/big sisters for adults who need a surrogate parent to help be healed.
I hear you on that, we need to reparent ourselves.
My problems were with my dry xah, that i did not
See or comprehend what was going on when things
Started to go bad until they got so bad it became
Toxic. We were married for thirty years and i loved
Him dearly. I still do not understand. I need to let
Go and let God. One day to a time. Detach. On and
On the list goes.
Alanon is a great inner healing program! It has saved
My sanity and i found my very lost soul and learned
To love myself, forgive myself, be gentle with myself.
LonelyDaughter - welcome to MIP. That support from others who have BTDT (been there done that) is readily available in the Al-Anon program. I believe if you can find meetings, attend them and embrace the program, you will find some level of peace/serenity no matter what the qualifier in your life is doing.
The program helps us understand the evolution of this disease. Your mother clearly is affected, as are those who are around here. Al-Anon arms us with tools, and steps to find our own way no matter what they are doing.
Glad you found us and glad you found your courage to share. You are not alone and I hope you keep coming back and seek recovery through this program. For me, it is very much what you wish for - a Big Brothers & Big Sisters for adults!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
