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So I am struggling a bit and would appreciate anyone sharing their experience in this area. For a long time I was in denial about my AHs drinking. It seemed like my AH was very different in different situations and behaved differently and I couldn't predict it but I never associated it with his drinking. I just thought he was moody and felt like I walked on egg shells around him but didn't really put a lot of thought into it. Even as our marital problems increased (as did his drinking) I didn't associate the two. It wasn't until after a few incidents that I feel like I "woke up" and could see how clearly so many (not all) of our huge blow ups and issues were related to the alcohol. And I came to that realization after I was confiding in a friend about my marital issues and she had a husband that was an alcoholic and she pointed out many similarities. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't believe I had never seen it before. And it all suddenly made sense. My AH has a father who is a recovering A who had been in AA since he was a teenager. He has been saying my AH has a problem with his drinking for YEARS. My AH has done some insane things while drunk. And even if I attributed the crazy behaviour to alcohol it happened so infrequently it never occurred to me that he could be an A. And these things just kept slowly increasing over the years until the incidents were happening more frequently and getting more and more out of hand. And then I noticed that he was drinking every day. Anyway, to make a long story a bit shorter the point I am trying to get to is I think I've gone from being oblivious to his drinking to trying to be hyper aware of his drinking. I don't want to count his drinks or watch how much he drinks or fight with him over his drinking yet I find myself doing it. Why am I doing it? Because I don't ever want to be that oblivious again. Because I want to prevent blow ups and problems when he is drinking.
I have set a boundary with him that we should not have a serious discussion when he has had even one drink. He has agreed to that and once a week we meet to discuss some of our marital problems and he does not drink before that discussion. However, in our day to day life I feel like I keep getting caught by surprise that he has been drinking. Saturday we had a huge blow up. He did something I didn't like so I asked him nicely not to do it. And he blew up with anger. It became a huge issue. And I realized he had been drinking that day and I ended the conversation but not before things got bad and nasty things were said between us. I used to avoid brining any issues up that bother me but that didn't really work for me because I just harboured resentments. Now I never know when to bring something up to discuss because he could be drinking. I feel like I am caught in a loop.
I don't even know if this post makes sense. If I had to sum it up I would say that I am asking "how do you balance staying aware of your situation but yet still lovingly detached (or even just detached I am willing to drop the lovingly bit lol)?"
Oh boy, I could have written just what you wrote. I was in such denial that I didn't even bring up my concerns to a therapist I was seeing for many many years. It took his drinking to get out of control, drinking every day, drinking in secret, never understanding why he would come home and have one beer and be drunk before I had to really admit it to myself that he was an alcoholic. My husband was a closet drinker and did much of his drinking in secret so I think it was also easier for me to be in denial of the situation and the real reason our marriage was failing. I found it very hard to detach while he was actively drinking. I was hyper aware of everything, always trying to smell his breath, see how many times he went outside to secretly drink and just being super pissed off at the situation. It absolutely wiped me out emotionally, physically and spiritually. I was crying not stop, especially at work. Here's the thing...what worked best for me is finally stepping through the doors of a f-2-f meeting and really listening to what was said, reading the literature and coming to this website. The transformation didn't happen over night but I finally was able to turn the focus from him to myself. I got back to the gym, reconnected with friends and started letting close friends and family in on what was going on in my life. It was in doing that and a few really scary things that happened to my husband (one being me calling the police to do a wellness check on him at a hotel after a fight and him being admitted to the hospital for observation) where both of our lives turned around. My husband finally hit rock bottom and found sobriety. I am trying to live one day at a time as is he. I know chances of a relapse can be high but really I can't do anything about his drinking. I can only focus on myself and my two small kids. If he choses to drink again than he will have to move out of the house (that is my boundary that I have set up to maintain my serenity and sanity). I wish only the best for you and your husband. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
KT It is all a process and knowing that I was powerless over the disease was a huge step out of denial and into acceptance. I believe I stayed out of "Denial " of the disease by attending alanon meetings often, reading the literature, staying in touch with my sponsor and most importantly by keeping the focus on myself.
I needed to develop new tools to communicate with and so I did. I no longer used judgment, blame or critiquing as a form of communication I learned to say what I mean and mean what I say without saying it mean. I learned to "Think" and to stop reacting and to respond in a constructive manner to situations. You are doing fine One day at a time we learn.
I would like to second Jazzie and say that I could have written your post exactly too! I am way too focused on his drinking now, where as before my son was born I was able to deny everything (aided by his secret drinking). Now his drinking habits and escapades have become the focus of our household. Currently the boundary has been set that he cannot return to work (works for family business) without entering some sort of program of his choice and if he drinks again, I will move out of the house (cause he'd never leave). So he is stuck in a dry drunk depression on the couch trying to decide what he is going to do. Waiting this out and holding strong is so hard, but going back to the way it's always been is not an option for me. I am a strong believer in "fake it till you make it", so even though I am not always calm inside, I pretend I am to the best of my ability. Some days when he tries to push my buttons I allow it to happen and get into an argument, but if I can steal a minute of peace I can usually get myself back into the frame of mind where I don't pick up the rope. He can't engage me unless I let him.
One of our early boundaries was that I wouldn't talk to him about anything serious when he had been drinking, then the drinking increased so much that I never had more than 5 mins in the morning to get sober time with him. I eventually just made plans and decisions on my own. He would get mad sometimes, but I would explain that I was unable to find a time that we could talk about it and a decision had to be made. Its matter of fact, true and not mean.
Keep practicing, and fake it till you make it! :) Those who have achieved successful detachment have been at it for a long time, I am glad I can hear their wisdom on this board while I keep trying to find it in my life.
KT2015 - I agree with Betty - our recovery is a process. I worked with a sponsor to set boundaries based on what made sense at the time. What I discovered is that as I got saner, some of them were just not working for me. So, with program tools and the help of my sponsor, I've expanded some, created new and so it goes. Setting boundaries is not a 'one and done' situation - so the good news is you are growing and learning and that which you thought would work isn't working now.
I had difficulties detaching until I actually surrendered to the fact that this is a disease and not a choice. Once I accepted that this disease was treatable but not curable, I was able to see, believe and accept that I was powerless over it, my qualifiers and what they did. From there, it became easier to detach and set boundaries that were effective for me.
So - I believe your 'awareness' that change is needed and your boundaries might not be working is a good thing. It is when we are unsettled or uncomfortable that we realize we need to change ourselves or something within our control. Keep working on you, your program, etc. and more will be revealed.
(((KT2015))) - it's going to be OK and you will be OK!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
KT, I just want to share that I also have felt many of the same things you do.
Looking back over life with my late AH, I was -- not so much in denial -- but just oblivious to drinking as a source of odd and stressful things that happened. Sometimes he would do something that I'd say to myself, "Who in their right mind would do that?" Even some family stories of things he did in the years before I knew him, I'd think "I can't believe this really nice intelligent person would do those things." And as it progressed, I had exactly that same experience you just had, where I'd ask very politely for him to stop doing something, and he would react angrily (it was suppressed anger, but still obvious). There was such a disconnect with the person I knew he was and the way he would sometimes act. I could not make sense of it in my mind.
Now that I have learned about alcoholism as a family disease, I realize he was really not in his right mind some of the time ... and those times got closer and closer together. I really was caught in a loop of despair, but fortunately that led me to Al-Anon.
I certainly don't have a magic solution. I think loving detachment is a very advanced skill that has to be learned and practiced for years to get it right. At this point, I've found various slogans to be of help in switching my mind to a better place. My favorites are the 3 Cs, "Not my circus, not my monkeys," "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean," "They have their own Higher Power and it isn't me," ... and best of all, One Day At A Time.
In my experience blow ups and problems WILL occur, however much I try to smooth the way to avoid them. So I no longer try to stop them from happening, unless I'm the one instigating a problem of course, I still have to stay mindful of that. I can control my reaction to my husband's dramas though (up to a point!! ).
One non-Alanon phrase that I kept in mind for a while was 'it takes two to tango.' Did I want to start my day with an argument? No. So why was I still having breakfast with my husband when I knew that I felt much calmer having breakfast on my own? Did he have a hissy fit and feel a bit angry and rejected as a result of my choice? Yes. But for heaven's sake why wouldn't I prefer breakfast on my own to breakfast with an angry person? (Just an example). I stopped letting his sulks worry me and simply carried on with my life. Did he learn to treat me a bit nicer as a result of my rejection of his behaviour? Yes, in time, he did.
I can choose the type of behaviour that I want to be around and what I want to reject. I don't have to say anything much about it or explain myself - in fact the message seems to get across more easily when I don't try to explain. For me, I just need to be honest with myself and through my actions.
PS Isn't it ghastly how these behaviours creep up on our lives? I too could have written your post except I didn't have the awareness that you have at that time! It is like living on the edge of a black hole me-thinks! Hard not to get sucked in from time to time.
Thank you everyone for your helpful input. I really appreciate all the support and encouragement you provided. Last night I made my fist call to someone from my F2F meetings. It was scary because I don't know her that well but she offered for me to call. And it really helped me. She listened and talked to me and helped me talk through things more in depth about letting go and letting God and we talked about the first three steps related to my recent issues. She hit on several of the points all of you made. So thank you everyone for your support. I really like what I am here said about when we realize we are unsettled or uncomfortable we need to make a change about something within our control. Thanks everyone!
Way to go KT2015!!! Reaching out and asking for help is so important for you and the other person. I applaud you for collecting your courage and 'doing that'!!!
Keep up your program efforts, even when it doesn't feel comfortable. For me, this is the 'fake it until you make it part' - doing what is suggesting, even when it feels uncomfortable, or scary as their is always a small reward for the effort!
(((Hugs))) - hope today has been great!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
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