The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One week into sobriety and I am seeing the same old slow slide back. I was amazed after 3 days that the snoring stopped. This was a chronic issue whenever AH drank which was often. My room was almost TOO quiet for sleep! Last night - snoring again - AH admitted to an "O'Doul's" at his mother's house. Tonight, back to Mom's for another urgency - and after he started picking an argument with me (an old tactic to keep the focus off him) I asked if he drank. And THAT is where MY slow slide back started, I realized very quickly after I asked the question!
He did admit to "1" beer, which I know is easily 2, and I said nothing about it. I thought about a comment I read on this board more than once "The A will drink or not drink, what are YOU going to do?" So, I thought, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
First, stop asking, it's none of my business. Second, keep my promises. I told him a week ago that if he drank, he would not drink here and I have kept alcohol out of the house and this will continue. He will not drive the kids if he has been drinking. He will not be allowed in the house if he comes home drunk. I will take care of myself, give myself extra hugs and patience and stay in the moment. I have yet to get to a f2f meeting but am reading literature and a lot of wonderful advice on this board. I would love to get a sponsor here if anyone is willing. I may need to do online meetings at this time because of insane work and kid schedules.
That's it for now. I started to do the slip and slide but pulled myself back. I am proud of myself (extra self hugs!) and best of all, I feel ok. I don't need to go down the rabbit hole with him, I don't need to get engaged in an argument or become anxious. I can choose serenity for myself. He will drink or not drink and there is not a blessed thing I can do about it.
Thanks for reading :)
__________________
Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
My experience is that my A wouldn't drink openly, but that pretty much he was drinking all the time. Not enough to appear very drunk, just undefinably "funny." Of course he never admitted a thing. I questioned myself, because he would deny everything so strenuously, but I found too many stashes of bottles to believe his claims.
So my thinking is that if he drives the kids, he will drive them drunk. Because that's what they do. And he will be drunk in your house. Because that's what they do. And he will probably be drinking in your house. My A had every trick. Hidden bottles in the garage, in the yard, in the basement. Those little airline bottles in his pocket. Bottles at the bottom of the recycling. "The neighbors must have put those there! Those crazy people!"
So then it was "Now what am I going to do?" One thing was that I didn't let him drive our child, even if he looked like he was starting out sober. (That wouldn't mean he'd be sober by the time he came back.)
Mattie, I think you are right. I told him I want the house to stay dry but as in your situation that is just another illusion of control for me. I can still choose to not bring alcohol in and I can still choose to not drink with him. You are also so wise about the kids in the car. If he is active, he is active, and I need to presume it is all the time in order to protect my children. Thank you for these gentle reminders. Have a peaceful day.
__________________
Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
NewLeaf, way to work the program. You are right, he will drink if he wants to. Try and stick to your boundaries and preserve your serenity. I would also have to agree with Mattie. My AH was a secret drinker and I cringe to think all the times he probably drove our kids while under the influence (never outwardly drunk but he had probably been drinking at some point that day). When he got really bad I too just assumed he was drinking (even if he didn't seem it) and I wouldn't allow him to drive and instructed our nanny not to let him drive with the kids. He is sober now but I would advise to air on the side of caution. We are all here for you and sending you prayers and tons of support.
Jazzie, thank you for your response. It is so helpful to get the feedback and reinforcement of what I'm doing. It is so easy, when you feel isolated, to think you are overreacting or imagining things...and he tries to push that agenda by distracting me. Last night he decided we should discuss my spending and the bills etc. All a smokescreen. Thanks so much.
__________________
Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
newleaf - so sorry that it is what it is. I love that you caught yourself, and put the effort back onto you. My AH also is a sneaking drinker, but when I stopped asking it became less of 'a thing'. Once I figured out he was active, I just did my thing, and planned every event assuming I was driving my boys and/or coordinating a carpool with others. It went back to expectations for me - if I expected nothing, and something was different, it was a gift. It's very hard to be disappointed when you expect nothing.
I never have looked for bottles, gone through trash or recycle for my AH. I assumed if he wanted to drink, so be it. I did do this with my boys. But, no matter my level of detachment, one commonality - they would all deny drinking unless they were caught red-handed. So, to keep from being lied to, I stopped asking. I kind of decided that my actions were not any different (powerlessness) whether they said Yes or No....so why ask?
I expected nothing, planned for the unknown and unexpected and prepared each day/event as if I were a single parent. I also stopped riding with my AH, so if we all went some place together either I drove or he drove separate. It's not the best solution but it worked for my world. I am one who truly found detachment as a gift early on, was able to see that my AH was sick and not evil and have chosen to stay. I will do anything I can to stay in the marriage even if it's not the optimal marriage. I believe in my vows, and with 25 years in, have seen & heard from others who have it much worse without this disease. So, I've chosen my path, just for today, and will do what I can to stay. Not for everyone - and not advice, but in my mind, if I stay committed to the marriage, I am better equipped for solutions.
(((Hugs))) - definitely try the online meetings! I've not had time lately to make too many but the AM meetings are certainly a bit more predictable than the PM ones (from last I was actively attending). Take care, know you aren't alone and that we are just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Oh, the snoring lol! That's how I always know when AH is drinking or not. He hardly ever snores when he's sober (which isn't often), but that "freight-train" in the bedroom he's capable of is there almost all the time when he's drinking heavily. Ugh!
I also am very familiar with the need to pick a fight - since he has started trying (openly) to put together sober days, he will attempt to start an argument as soon as the first drink hits his system. Mostly, he likes to push my "mommy" buttons and get on me about something to do with the kids, but money is definitely another favorite. I am increasingly having to shut down the impulse to remind him that money wouldn't be as much of an issue if he weren't drinking away hundreds every month ... I feel it's my right to say so, but I'm very sure I am not capable of saying it nicely right now.
