The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know where else to go. I'm sorry if this is not right.
My father was a serious drinker, and when he joined AA my mum joined al-anon. I was a teenager and didn't want to get involved in any place to help myself, and I guess that's how I ended up like this.
I started talking to a guy online a couple weeks ago. We really clicked and got along great, but he was a little controlling. He said he wanted to be exclusive right away, and I wasn't sure if I was comfortable with that at first, but then I warmed up to it. I got out of a serious relationship a couple months ago, and I wanted to get back into a serious one again because I missed the comfort.
I had a few questions about his personal info, and eventually I asked him about it. He then went offline, and I didn't hear from him for a week. I figured that he was lying to me, and tried to move on -- I really liked this guy, and it really hurt. He massaged me after a week and told me he had been in jail, and that's why I hadn't heard from him. I still wanted to give him a chance, and we finally met the other day. It was amazing. We got along so well, I was honestly starting to fall in love with him. He spent the night after our first date. I was so happy.
A friend knew some info about him though, and she got back to me -- he had beat up a lot of women. A lot of them.And now I'm really scared. He had done some really scary stuff. I'm spending the night away from my apartment, and I haven't talked to him. I'm in a safe place. I'm just really scared, and I really really liked him, and I don't know what to do at all. My mum told me she used to comment here a couple years ago and she thought this would be a good place for me. I'm sorry if it isn't and I came to the wrong place. I'm so worried. I miss him, and I wanna talk to him. He made me feel so special and so good, and I liked him so much. I still like him so much, I felt so good when I woke up beside him.
I just need to talk to someone about all of this. Thank you.
Welcome Susie, Growing up with the disease of alcoholism you can certainly qualify for alanon because growing up with the disease, we develop many destructive coping tools that work while we are young and have little choices however when grown up these tools do not work .and end hurting us.
I understand that your heart has connected with this young man. I can also see your concern with the information that your friend has presented about how he has treated former girlfriends and it should not be taken lightly
Alanon has face to face meetings in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages.
Please check out the meetings and keep coming back here as well. You are not alone.
Welcome, Susie. I do understand the excitement of someone who makes you feel special and good. But you are already special and good. You wrote with such clarity about your experience.
From what I understand, what you described about wanting to be exclusive right away, being in jail, and the information you got from your friend ... these are signs of abusive relationship. Please stay safe and have trustworthy people around you so you can move forward and have the relationship you really deserve.
Al-Anon meetings and literature really do help, too, so please seek these out and keep coming back to this forum.
I got in contact with him. He sent a very sweet message asking how my day was. I sent a long, thought-out message explaining that while I had a great time,I didn't think it was a good idea to keep seeing each. I didn't mention my fears about his violent past, I just talked about how our lives were not syncing up and it was better to do this now than it would be to do it later on.
He replied, "peace b*tch lol", so I think I'm safe. I'm still looking after myself tonight, and not going back to my apartment.
This whole experience is showing me that maybe I need al-anon more than I thought.
I'm so glad that you found us, and that you are taking good care of yourself.
I have some (oh dear, "some" is an understatement) of manipulative, damaged and damaging men. I finally did some research on the subject to help myself steer clear in the future. What I found is that there is a technique that certain men will use. They know that we are vulnerable and that we hate that period of "Does he like me? Is this going anywhere? Is he pulling away? Am I attractive enough?" - that early-relationship period of anxiety. A lot of time it ends in the relationship not working out, and that's painful, so we get anxious about it.
So they come on really strong and committed. And we are so grateful not to have that anxiety about "Does he like me? Where is this going?" He seems great and he wants to be with us! That feels so, so nice, doesn't it? A big relief after all the pain we've been through.
But someone getting serious so early and fast is not a sign of someone with healthy emotions. One thing it can signal is that the person is very impulsive. Boy, have I met this kind. He's impulsive getting in the relationship, and all of a sudden he's impulsive getting out of it. And so you're going along wonderfully and everything feels great and suddenly one tiny thing happens, it may not even be obvious what it is, and he's heading for the hills. Ouch! So painful.
The other, even worse one is that the guy is a manipulator who wants to get the woman attached to him so he can get away with stuff. Because a lot of us just think, "He likes me ! This is great! He seems like a good thing! Here we go!" And we're in it for the long haul. And since we've already made up our minds, he can start to treat us abusively. Boy, do I know that kind too.
My experience is that the first 6 months almost always seem pretty great (it's a really bad sign if not). And then in months 6-12 the person's reality starts coming out. And if you've lasted through the first 6 months and are still compatible, the next period is when their neuroses and problems and baggage will show up. And that's when you assess to make sure it's neuroses and baggage you can live with. So getting attached before that period is playing with fire. Because more people than not have problems that make them not right for you. (That goes for anyone. It takes a lot of looking to find the right person.)
I know I used to ignore the red flags that were waving before my face. In this guy's case, he wanted to jump in really fast, even when you weren't sure. He came across as controlling, even very early on. That's a dangerous indication that he might be an abuser. Then he disappears with no word. Bad sign. Then he emerges and says he's been in jail! Very, very bad sign. Now, someone who was in jail long ago, and who can account for his past and how he's changed - and who wasn't in jail for anything massively major - then maybe. But the problem with us codependents is that our "pickers" are often broken, so we are more vulnerable around damaging people than many folks. I'd say jail is a bad sign, especially jail not in the past but in the present.
And a guy who's charming and loving, with all these other things - sadly, that is what they do to reel us in.
I am so, so glad you have taken action to protect yourself. I hope he gives up and goes away and you never hear from him again. I hope that maybe this little event that never amounted to anything will be the thing that brings you to recovery and serenity in Al-Anon. There are tools to protect yourself and your serenity. Glad you are here. Hope you'll keep coming back!
Well it sounds to me as if you have taken some good and wise care of yourself and your safety. Those manipulative hooks can feel very compelling but the reaction you got to your self care says it all really doesn't it?
When I look back on my life and look at the folks that I have found attractive in the past I can see how easily I was drawn to wrong-un's!! All fun people in their own right but words like kindness, consideration, support and encouragement didn't really fit with their lifestyle! My goodness, why would I want to be the one to save them? But boy did I think I knew better! So I find myself saluting your awareness and common sense. I do think that Alanon can teach us all a great deal about how to choose our choices in the future are and offers ways to overcome those ancient drivers that have, in my case, attracted me to wounded people who tend to lash out. Why not give it a try!
Welcome to MIP SusieQ - glad you found us and glad you shared. My personal beliefs about the disease, it's affects on 'us' and recovery in Al-Anon - Why Not? You have nothing to loose and everything to gain!
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
