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Its been a few weeks without any explosive incidents. Until last night. My abf has a child with someone he had a very brief fling with....a week. She is a convicted felon, drug addict. She has harassed me to no end, and harasses him as well. When he dropped off his child they had words, and as usual he started drinking on the way home. Pint of vodka and who knows what else. Needless to say a fight ensued. He is so verbally aggressive and keeps at me until i snap back. Of course when he got up this morning he starts with me and made me apologize. He slams me right down and makes me feel like a worthless piece of garbage. Sitting here on the couch with my little guy waiting for him to go to work sick to my stomachm. He threaten to cone home drunk tonight as sort of a payback. I just want to leave..i have no where to go with three jids and no means to pay my bills. He holds money over my head telling me he wont pay my bills. He knows he has me trapoed. I just cant even take it anymore
(((Lisa))) - so sorry for the incident with your qualifier. With this disease, actions and reactions of the active A are extremely unpredictable. Al-Anon meetings, programs and tools would help you in processing what has happened, and how to best handle these incidents as well as your own reactions to the disease. One of many reasons the program works so well is we gain support of others who've been where we are, and they can help guide us through it and to the other side.
I go to meetings during calm times as well as during tough times. I view my program efforts as important as brushing my teeth. If I am aware, active and diligent with what the program teaches me, these types of events do not take me to my knees as they once did.
Take some time today to be gentle with yourself. Take some time today to do something nice just for you. Choose you, your recovery and your happiness. This doesn't suggest you pack the car and run from your home/situation, but rather - take an hour or so and reach out to the program, a program friend, etc. This disease will rule your every action and every thought if you let it.
Know that we are here and just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Mandy....of course before he left for work he hugged me and said lets have a nice night tonight. Its as though he has beaten me until i break and then lifts me up again.....my father was mentally abusive to me as a child ....although he did not drink. I feel like i am in the same place i was as a child
Lisa this situation does not sound healthy for you or your children. Being verbally abused and trapped financially is not acceptable.Your partner has a great deal on his plate and sounds as if he has issues around anger and alcohol
In the book, How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics there is a section entitled A Special Word to Anyone Confronted with Violence (Preface ix) please consult this. We in Al-Anon do not give advice, but realize the importance of not accepting violence or dangerous situations, which may cause harm to our children or us. If you are in a situation like this please do not hesitate to call the police or having some kind of plan to protect yourself.
The following are some numbers that may help:
Battered Womens Justice Project: 1-800-903-0111.
National Organization for Victims Assistance: 1-800-879-6682
National Resource Center for Domestic Violence: 1-800-537-2238
US Domestic Violence Hotline/ General Information: 1-800-799-7233
There is help and hope available Keep coming back here as well.
OMG, Girl, You should call a domestic hotline, they are not just for physically abused women. Im very sure there are shelters,programs and help for you. Call a local hospital or police dept if u cant find help. I know there is a better place for u and your kids hugs to u
alyce
This is a lot for any person to deal with without help from someone. Hotrod has responded with very good information. I hope she'll post it permanently at the top of the page. We have a lot of people who come here and are experiencing the kinds of things that you are right now.
It's likely hard for you to believe that you and your kids will be ok if you leave. Why not just start with a phone call to one of those numbers that hotrod posted and see how it goes. The person answering the phone is often someone who has experienced what you are experiencing right now but they are safe now. After such a phone call, you can think about the ideas and choices the person's shared with you for being safe. You have not caused the violence, cant control it or keep it from happening again by doing what he wants. He is very sick and will keep doing this no matter how much you try until he actually goes for help.
Don't wait! Please reach out for help for yourself and your children. Glad you shared with us and hope you keep coming back. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I agree with the above Lisa. I personally know a woman with kids 5 and 7 yo, who got out once, came back, then got out for good 3 months later. She was at shelter for 3 months, then got a job, and was able to get out and support herself. With the support of the woman in that shelter, she was able to do what it sounds like you would like to do: get you and your kids out and get healthy again.
Its been a few weeks without any explosive incidents. Until last night. My abf has a child with someone he had a very brief fling with....a week. She is a convicted felon, drug addict. She has harassed me to no end, and harasses him as well. When he dropped off his child they had words, and as usual he started drinking on the way home. Pint of vodka and who knows what else. Needless to say a fight ensued. He is so verbally aggressive and keeps at me until i snap back. Of course when he got up this morning he starts with me and made me apologize. He slams me right down and makes me feel like a worthless piece of garbage. Sitting here on the couch with my little guy waiting for him to go to work sick to my stomachm. He threaten to cone home drunk tonight as sort of a payback. I just want to leave..i have no where to go with three jids and no means to pay my bills. He holds money over my head telling me he wont pay my bills. He knows he has me trapoed. I just cant even take it anymore
YOU ARE NOT A WORTHLESS PIECE OF GARBAGE..let's get that out of the way right off the bat..I was in the same situation some 20 years ago..almost losing my life didn't do it, almost losing custody of my son..umm I woke up
I know you feel trapped right now..especially with babies and no money..but trust and believe you aren't. You've made the first step..you've told someone..for me that was the hardest part cuz I felt ashamed..I mean what was wrong with me that I couldn't make my husband happy smh
Please reach out to a local shelter..even if you don't go..have a plan..who should take the kids if you were in the hospital..there is help out there..you'd be surprised how many men and women made it out and are happier and healthier. Please stay safe
Hi lisa.
This is pretty typical of how my a used to behave back when I thought I had no choice and he was letting the worst parts of his personality dominate and terrorise me.
The emotional rollercoaster, the pushing and abusing and baiting me until I snapped and then suddenly behaving as if I had committed some terrible offense against him, always threatening to leave, always threatening threatening and then when I was sick to my stomach and sick of his face suddenly he was all sweet and loving and romantic and heaven help me if I didn't smile and flutter my eyelashes at him when he demanded it.
It was horrible; I was basically a slave to however he wanted me to feel at any given moment and desperate to put on a brave happy face for my child...there wasn't much of me left for me to say the least.
I started by taking small steps to reclaim my life and at the time it didn't feel like much but each small step added to the last one and turned into some pretty huge journeys for me. I do understand how bad things feel and how trapped and helpless you feel you are but you are NOT and small changes can make the world of difference.
Some of the first small things I did included going to meetings (to increase my contact with other humans- it has a powerful effect on your confidence if you let it!)
Getting to know the neighbours a little better. I read a lot of books on abusive relationships and getting to know the neighbours and inviting over other mums, family members etc regardless of his behaviour is a powerful step towards breaking the spell where he thinks he is lord and master and can do whatever he wants to you and YOU think you are helpless and trapped and he can do whatever he wants to you. Inviting the outside world in and putting yourself out into the world is a really good place to start.
Additionally an abuse counsellor is worth so much more than you might imagine purely for the incredible range of suggestions they can offer that you might have NEVER thought of before. I found the first person i spoke to not helpful but I persevered and the counsellors i spoke to after that were amazingly suportive and a goldmine of great ways to re-empower myself and take back my life.
I know it seems dark and hopeless at the moment but it doesn't have to stay that way.
(((lisa)))
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
