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HI I am a newbie to this forum and so confused. My first qualifier was my Father who found sobriety thru AA when I was a teenager. Fast forward to my adult life. Married 35+ years. My AH quit drinking about 15 years ago (no recovery) but has always suffered with undiagnosed depression and anxiety. After he retired (high functioning professional)he became increasingly angry at everything and everybody. Eventually, I made him go to MC and of course that did not last long and did not work. My life became unmanageable a couple of years ago but I thought I could nice him back to the man I married and love. Of course that did not work.
So, I moved out about a year ago and moved 6 hours away. Since then AH has sought treatment for major depression that HE was not aware he has had. I think he has been self medicating his depression is entire life. I am attending Al-anon meetings in my area, have a temporary sponsor and working the steps, slowly.
So I am sitting here very confused and struggling. When I left last year I was done or so I thought. There were so many issues and I know that if I had been in Al-anon I would have been advised to wait 6 months or a year but I was so emotionally done I had to get away to have some clarity. He has stated from the beginning that he wants to repair us but he now says that he is not able emotionally (MDD). Part of me wants to move on but I love him. I have to fight the urge to try to force a solution. Christmas is around the corner and I keep thinking I can "suggest" ways to ease into small steps toward repairing us. BUT I know that I would be forcing a solution. I have to let go and let God.
So confused on why I can not just let go of him...
Welcome PJ I am so pleased that you have found alanon meetings and are working the Steps with a sponsor.
It is great that hubby has sought treatment for his depression and one day at a time you are both growing.
Letting go of a marriage of over 35 years is not easy-- so please be gentle with yourself. Remember in the 3rd Step we decide to turn our will over to HP and in the 11th Step we pray only for the knowledge of HP's will and the power to carry it out.
Keep working your program, pray for courage and wisdom as prayers for these never go unanswered. Please keep coming back.
We are in the same boat without the depression
And anxiety.
I still struggle not much else i can do, work
On me and try to get happy again. Life goes
On. Embrace alanon and your HP.
It is harder the older you are and the longer
You are married. We have to reinvent ourselves
And find ourselves apart from them. My marital
Bond is still very strong.
I feel your pain, know the road well, wish i Had
started alanon 30 years ago even though he was
Dry. It was still a dry alcoholic marriage.
Do whats in your best interest, one baby step to
A time. Be gentle and loving to yourself. The
holidays Are a very difficult and emotional time.
Al-anon has saved me and is at the top of my gratitude list every day. I struggle with keeping the focus on me. My life in the past has never been about me but finally it is. Day by day... one day at a time... Thank goodness for our steps to help guide me to turn it all over to my HP...I need help...
Aloha Karen and welcome to the family and board. You have come home to others who know where you are at and what is going on because we have been there also and then made discoveries. I hope you commit to staying because Al-Anon and MIP truly work if and when you work it. The inventory steps for me were periods of self discovery which meant I got to understand the person I had lived my whole life with and didn't know anything about...ME. I was trying to figure out the disease people in my life not even understanding how they got there and why they stayed. I got to understand the reasoning behind my actions and responsibilities and the consequences I got from them.
I was so confused also. I had the believe that if I just wanted what I wanted I would get what I wanted and that is ludicrous thinking detached and bizarre. I learned that my alcoholic addict wives and relationships wanted the same things with one other pressing need too...drugs and booze which are mind and mood altering chemicals. They/We could not and would not be able to realize our wants, needs and dreams as long as the chemical was a part of our lives.
The alcoholic/addicts are very much the same as I am with two only exceptions at most...gender and age. When I came to understand that and practice it I changed which meant "we" changed also. I didn't continue to play my disruptive part in the relationships and so "they" were faced with their own behaviors and consequences. I let go of the pressure I brought down upon them with my actions and beliefs; wants and needs...I detached with love. I learned in program that I could not have unjustified expectations of a wildly sick individual and needed to learn empathy and compassion which are tools of the health care professionals.
My vision cleared up and my confusion diminished and I could make better choices for me which I did and still do. Consider the acceptable consequences I need and want in my life and follow thru on the choices. This works when you work it and we call it program. Today I love and miss my last alcoholic addict wife who I haven't seen since 1993 because she was a beautiful child of God and God's instrument for me finding program.
I am in support of our recovery. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Sending you a hug, detaching and no contact
Has been very healing it still does not stop the
Pain and hurt though. My demons come out at
Night, i am not afraid of them its part of my
Recovery, i am still grieving it takes time, be
Loving and gentle with yourself, your HP has
Your back.
Mirandac, you are so right. It is not easy to detach from all these years. Like you I wish I had found Al-anon when my Dad found sobriety many years ago. I know I would have made different choices. But today I am grateful for my life, my children and my grandchildren. I am grateful to my husband for many things even though life for us has fallen apart.
Jerry F. I appreciate your post. Sometimes I think I know what I need to do which usually means do nothing. That is so hard since I have been the fixer my entire life on all levels of my family. I know I have to detach and I am trying. Some days I do it better than others. I struggle with detaching with love. For the ACOA, I have always thought things were either black or white. So detaching with love is a very hard concept. Just how much to detach and how is it done. If I even think about how much interaction to have with him (phone calls, occasional dinner) I obsess about it. Some days he calls me to "check in", other days I call him or email him but only when I have something to tell him. ... It feels like tit for tat. Ohhh it is so complicated.
That would be impossible for me to detach like
That. Some people can, i could not until i did not
See, smell or feel his presense. All my emotions
And feelings were alive and in overdrive. He had
An AA gf and that triggered some serious negative
feelings and reactions too.
I am very glad to be out of all that. I have the
Knowledge in my head its my heart and soul that
Need help working things thru. Feelings and emotions
do not go away Because you will them away. They
Need to be felt, walked thru and let go of with your
HP holding your hand giving you loving courage.
Great you shared your journey on here it helps.
People on MIP are so wise and loving. We are
Here to support you as you work your program.
I still have a long way to go, like you many of
Us come from the disease and/ or its dysfunction
So we literally have a lifetime to work thru.
Welcome piwi - glad you joined us. It sounds to me as if you are doing well and working your program. I say, just keep on!
Detaching is hard, so very hard - however, it does get easier with time and practice. My experience is when I am unsure of what to do, I don't make decisions. I continue, one day at a time, with the next right thing and working on me. It seems that the answers usually do come in one form or another.
Glad you are here and want to share to keep coming back! This is a marvelous 'family' for support!
(((hugs))) to ya!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Iamhere, Thank you for your kind words but I don't feel like I am doing well. I feel like I am in limbo. There is nothing I want to do to get out of limbo right now but it is frustrating. I am getting a little better by not reacting to issues that come up. In the past I thought I had the answers to everything. Now I feel like I don't know the answer to Anything...
Posting here has helped to just feel like I have been heard... I have to let my HP handle this. It is too complicated for me... Thanks to all of you!
One thing i will say is limbo land is a very
Unhappy and unhealthy place to be. Its
Part of the process though.
I am now healing being out of the fray with
Lawyers and xah constantly being around.
Did i like the end results, nope. I did everything
Humanly possible to work on the marriage. He
Refused and his answer was to chase women
And lets get divorced, even with us both in
recovery.
Mirandac, It sounds like you are doing well even with all that you have been thru. It is hard to so goodbye to all your hopes and dreams of what you thought your life would be like after all these years together. Like you, I wish I had discovered Al-anon 30 years ago.. but it is what it is.. and thanks to my HP I have it now.. Thanks for your help...
Keep in mind that taking care of you, from a simple manicure to a doctor visit is 'the next right thing'. Read a book, take a walk, call an old friend, etc. Do things that haven't been fun, familiar or possible in a while due to stress, distractions, disease, qualifiers, etc. Limbo is not a bad thing - if you fill it with what you enjoy!
(((Hugs)))
Hell....for those of us who have lived with this disease, getting out of bed some days seemed miraculous to me in the beginning! Celebrate that which you have/do vs. what's not resolved. I too was a huge planner with all the answers. It's a relief, once you get used to it, to live in the moment, one day at a time, doing the next right thing!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I hate to say this, but I will take limbo any day over the constant drama, chaos, anger, sorrow, etc. that I felt I was in before.....
Fill the limbo with great things - however you define 'great'....I've been cleaning closets and it feels good!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
pj...look in your recovery tool box for the phone number book for the fellowship and also that tool called sponsor...those are must tools, direct connects to support and serenity. Yes MIP is in there and it has its down sides like personal face to face confrontations, communications and consults which were huge supports for me. I get to personally, out loud ask for help in the face of the membership with my ears on and my heart open. That is how I got thru the confusion...that and the attitude of "I don't' know...they know and I will listen and practice what they do".
I use to have a practice which involved imagining that I was in a forest not knowing where I was and what direction to take to get out of it and I prayed hard for solutions to that. What came from the prayers was a metaphor of standing very still and looking straight upward (higher power direction) and asking the question..."Where am I" ? and then looking down at my feet to see where I stood. The next question needed an answer before I moved again, "Where do I want to be"? When I looked around many of the trees became others with solutions who could lead me out of the forest. It still works...Humility is being teachable is what my sponsor told me.
I pray you find your way out of the forest. (((((hugs)))))
I am here... cleaning, organizing AND Clorox (not in that order) works wonders when I'm stressed or even in limbo. I am feeling much better about everything. This is a one step forward and two backwards sometimes.. Like you, I do prefer limbo to drama and chaos.
Jerry, I have reached out to my Sponsor, a few al-pals and a lot of meetings which has put me in a better place. Placing my feet firmly on the ground and looking at them grounds me sometimes... your metaphor of finding my way in the Forest with the trees becoming solutions is great... when in a bad place it takes a village of helpers to find a way out... sometimes ((((hugs))))
