The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so grateful for this board. I feel I belong now and can so relate to all the stories. I have work to do on myself. I have been working on my 4th step and its been good, I have work to do on myself. My Abf by the grace of god is now going on 3 months sobriety. This is a man that could not stay sober for more than 3 days when actively using. It has been a huge adjustment for me to see him sober and being responsible. He is working in camp ( works in trades) and is happy to be apart of life again. He was a active drunk for 5 years and was a complete mess when I met him over a year and half ago. I see god's miracle in action by seeing this man sober now. He is now home for 3 days from work and to return to work again. We will not be spending Christmas or new years together as he will be working. I am totally ok with that. What I am struggling with his how distance he is. He does not show any affection toward me. I feel I have to give him affection constantly and I receive nothing in return. I might as well live with a roommate. I have these insane thoughts maybe he is having an affair, maybe he has come to see he has made a mistake being with me. I feel insure and unsure and that scares me. I have these thoughts of this is as good as it gets and am I ok with it. A part of me says yes and another says no, I deserve better. I deserve a man that will show me affection, love and I feel I am not getting it here. I tell him I feel he is not there for me and he says I am tired. Its constant I am tired. I feel I am not getting what I deserve and that makes me angry. I feel I am not even important and I have to constantly give and give to him and I receive nothing back. He talks respectfully toward me but I feel its just an act. I feel so needy for affection and attention I want to get it elsewhere. I want to be made to feel special and given lots of affection and affirmation. I know that I can not get it from him, so why bother, but it feels so lonely. I just have a lot of dout about this relationship and how much more I am willing to accept. We are not legally married so that is good, easier to walk to away! I just have to be thankful he is sober today and accept what little crumbs I receive from him and go elsewhere for affection, attention. I am sad that I have these thoughts and feelings now that he is getting sober. I just want a good man to show me love, attention, affirmation !
((Joker)). It is hard when the A gets clean. They are having to learn how to do everything in a world where they used to function under the influence. I met my now XABF when he was 3 months clean. He was learning and changing, but I didn't know the using version of him until he relapsed a year later, for most of this year. He is now trying to reach out to me with three months clean again. Even in his email communications I can see that he's not the person that was using but also not the person that I first met. An A in recovery really has to learn it all again. I've noticed that the lack of affection and love and affirmation has nothing to do with me. My A wasn't capable of that when he was sober and having to look at himself and love himself knowing about all the bad things that he had done. Yes that hurt me, but I realized that I was just the mirror. When he looked at me, all he saw was the bad him. He couldn't love me, because he couldn't love himself first and foremost.
All we can do is worry about loving ourselves right now. We can rely on us and HP for what we need.
Joker I have been where you are. My AH has not had a drink in 6 months. He is a different person now. He is very involved in AA and talks to his sponsor regularly. However in the first few months of recovery he was not as affectionate as I would've liked him to be. I was under the impression we could start being a normal couple right away now that the drink was removed. How wrong I was. Like Oceantide said they have to learn how to live in the real world without the alcohol. My AH would say he didn't drink to get drunk he drank to feel better. He had been drinking for over 30 years.
So during the first few months he was extremely tired which I read is very common in early recovery. He still didn't want to do things with me and the kids. I was feeling very sad, lonely and depressed. I felt I had waited long enough for this man to come around and participate in our lives. I stated wishing I would meet someone else who would genuinely enjoy my company. I would tell AH this in frustration. He asked me for some more time to give me the life I've always wanted.
I kept thinking how they say in Alanon not to make any major decisions for 6 months. So here we are at the 6 month mark. My AH is more attentive, initiates going to dinner and movies and way more considerate. So if you can hang in there you may just see a difference in your ABF in the next few months. Of course everyone is different but I wanted to give you a bit of hope that things could improve. 3 months is still very early on in his recovery. (((HUGS)))
((Joker))Early sobriety is difficult for all concerned. I am happy that your partner is working on his sobriety and assure you that your communication will improve. Keep on focusing on yourself. You are doing well
I found when I didn't fret and left a person alone they came around on their own, because they appreciated the space I gave them
and that I did not add to their anxiety with the guilt of me wanting something from them that was not possible.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Early sobriety can be a lonely time for partners, spouses and family members. Expectations on our part tend to run high as far as the alcoholic being available to us on many levels. This really is a time of discovery for both of us. Just as you're doing a 4th step, he will be doing one as well in AA which will also include a sexual inventory if he chooses. From things I've read in your most recent posts, I wonder if he isn't trying to sort himself out sexually in his new sobriety.
If you don't feel you're are getting what you feel you deserve, this will likely show up in a thorough 4th step of your own which you are currently doing - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. It'll take courage to ask yourself some difficult questions concerning your relationship with your abf and to be accountable for your part. It isn't easy but it is definitely freeing to get honest and progress toward a saner and healthier life.
Wishing you both the best on journeys of discovery. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 6th of December 2015 11:44:43 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
