The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here and at this point, I am at my wits end and just want someone to listen to me and provide feedback or just talk to me about their experiences and how they are coping. My 18 year son has a severe drinking problem. It is so much to type so I will keep it simple. He has been to two different inpatient programs and neither one of them worked. I keep pleading with him and telling him to get help and it is breaking my heart. He did manage to graduate high school (with a 3.67 average). So he is fairly intelligent. He knows the consequences of his actions and continues to do this anyway. I have expressed to him that he is hurting me, that he is hurting his brother and everyone who loves him and wants to see him successful. He says he knows he needs help but he just refuses to get any. I have offered to take him to counseling, I have asked him to tell me how I can help him. I am out of help and ideas. I am sad and worried everyday about whether I will receive a phone call telling me he has been hurt. It is so draining and I am so very tired. I finally told him that if he refused to get help that he would not be allowed to stay in my home any longer. So he went and found a girlfriend that is a few years older than he is and has her own place. She is also a drinker and now they drink together. It is just horrible, so very horrible. He is killing himself and there is nothing I can do to help. Thank you for listening.
Welcome InDespair I so understand your situation, as I have lived it I would like to assure you that alcoholism is a powerful, dreadful chronic disease over which you and I and others are powerless. We did to cause it cannot control it and cannot cure it. Your son is only hurting himself and although he know he needs help the disease keeps him trapped. AA is a recovery program that can help when he is ready We who live with the disease, his brothers,friends yourself all need a program of recovery of our own because of the destructive tools we have developed as a result of dealing with the insanity .
Alanon is that program Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages.\ In alanon we learn to keep the focus off the alcoholic and place it where it will help "ON OURSELVES" . We practice the powerful tool of detaching from the behavior of another, and focus all our attention on our own actions and reactions. We develop powerful principles to live by and attempt to do so one day at a time Breaking the isolation caused by the disease is extremely important Attending face to face meetings and interacting with others who understand as few others can is invaluable Please keep coming back here as well You are net alone
Tired. I know exactly how you are feeling except my qualifier is a daughter. I have been and often still am where you are. The constant stress and worry waiting for a call that they have been hurt. I have practically driven myself into a physical and emotional wreck. I had and still do have a very hard time asking for help for myself. I have been so focused on her to the detriment of everyone else. That did not help and changed nothing. Not one thing or the thousand things I said has changed the outcome. She also refused to get help. I urge you to try to take care of yourself the best way you can. I have done a ton of reading searching and searching for answers. I always comes back to the I didn't cause it, I cant cure it and I cannot control it because god knows I have turned over every leaf. I have had to come to the realization that my love is not going to cure her, the love of our family is not going to cure her. She is going to continue to do this until she is ready to surrender. I in the meantime have been working on rescuing myself. I am learning to follow through on my boundaries as painful and scary as that is. I am also learning to break out of the isolation. I was so ashamed, somehow felt responsible even though she was given a terrific life. The best way to help our kids is to help ourselves. It is a process. It takes time to move through the steps and that is ok. Get the support that you need, learn what you can but most importantly take care of you. Reaching out here is a good first step. A couple of the books that I did read that I found to be very helpful were Getting them sober and getting your kids sober by Toby Rice along with the book Don't let your kids kill you by Charles Rubin. While these are not Alanon books I did find them to be particularly helpful in guiding me along with the daily reader Courage to Change. Take care
-- Edited by serenity47 on Saturday 5th of December 2015 10:15:38 PM
-- Edited by serenity47 on Saturday 5th of December 2015 10:16:02 PM
Indespair you have already received some very very good responses to your complaint which is also our complaint and the responses were also the responses we received when we first found Al-Anon. For me the responses were always aimed at taking my focus off of my diseased family members and friends who were under the control of the chemical alcohol and drugs....mind and mood altering chemicals which are so powerful that rational thoughts, feelings and actions have no defense against it. Addiction is what it is...the doing of what is the serious problem in spite of the awareness that it is killing you. You cannot rationalize with an addict to alcohol or drugs or any other mind and mood altering chemical because the chemical has the power...a greater power than we ever had. It kills because the disease is a fatal one and kills when no one desires that to happen including the alcoholic and/or addict and it takes the family with it which is the part you already are aware of. We will tell you and share with you how to stop as we learned it even while you question...but how in the hell do you do that!! ?? Al-Anon is a step program and uses the steps of AA the first one being "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable". You already have spoken about your powerlessness and then your awareness that your life is now unmanageable...You are where the next steps is necessary...step two...Came to believe that a POWER GREATER THAN OURSELVES could restore us to SANITY. I wanted that last word SANITY cause I had arrived at insanity because of this disease. Your son is not a bad boy or oppositionally defiant just for the sake of being that...he is a very very sick person mind, body, spirit and emotions and if he doesn't find recovery he will face the fatal nature of this disease. Alcoholism unarrested by total abstinence kills and what we try to do here and in the program of Al-Anon is not to help that happen. Please keep coming back to gain more understanding and support. We know and know that we know what you are going thru...we have been there. (((((hugs)))))
Indespair - welcome to MIP....so glad you found us and so glad you found your strength to share.
2 of my qualifiers are my sons. I have 2 children and they are both Alcoholic/Addicts. It have been a rough road, one I would never wish upon another.
I tried everything I could think of and what was suggested and they still did what they wanted to do when they wanted to do it - so ... I was almost destroyed when I arrived at Al-Anon. I had to quickly learn that I didn't cause it, I couldn't cure it and I could not control it, them, nothing basically - EXCEPT ME.
So, I truly urge you to try Al-Anon. It gave me knowledge about the disease and tools to act/be different.
Peace, Joy and Serenity are optional and possible. Keep coming back and know that you are not alone!!
Glad you are here!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Needed advise. My son an addict of over 15 years in and put of rehabs.. Sober sometimes most often not..got a nice job a
Couple of months ago was so enthusiastic about it..has lost interest in it once again and doesn't go to work regularly is
Probably on the verge
Of being asked to leave.
What shud I do? Wake him the morning, urge him to go... What what what?
This has happened before too.
This is a dreadful disease over which we are powerless. Being the parent of an addicted child is excruciatingly painful.
Detaching from the behavior , praying, attending meetings and letting go and letting God was the only way I could go on one day at a time. Please search out alanon face to face meetings and attend
