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So my AH really wanted to come to my work holiday party. I would rather go on my own to be honest. I have always felt that way about work events. Anyway, he insisted so I am bringing him tonight. So this afternoon I was working from home. He has taken the afternoon off. I go into the kitchen after something breaks and there is a beer all over the floor. He's started drinking early afternoon. I am shocked that this is happening. I should have kept my mouth shut but I didn't. I told him I couldn't believe he would be drinking at 2 in the afternoon before my holiday party and asked him how he would feel if I started drinking early in the afternoon before his work functions that I regularly attend. Of course he defended himself and said it was just ONE beer not "drinking" UGH. So I tried to just walk away. I never set a boundary around my work event. I guess that was my bad. He asked me if I still wanted him to go because he had "one beer". I told him to do what he wants to do. I'm so disappointed and mad and hurt. Part of me doesn't want him to go. A big part of me NEVER wanted him to go in the first place. But now I feel like telling him I don't want him to go would cause a bigger problem than if I just let him come. I feel like my HP keeps showing me why I need to detach. Every time I look forward to doing something with him I feel like his alcoholism ruins it. On one side I know that I am powerless over his drinking, him, alcohol. But the other side of me that gets angry says if he doesn't even think he has a problem shouldn't I point out to him when his drinking is a problem? I don't know. I need to find a way to get on with the rest of my day and enjoy my evening despite him and his actions. Thanks for listening/reading.
((KT))) Communication can become so muddled when living with the disease of alcoholism . I hear you say that you do enjoy his company, look forward to spending with him and feel that his drinking is a problem. He does not agree.
Holiday parties are reknowned for drinking and you did not want him to attend at the start. You had the perfect way to validate what you wanted when when he asked. you " if I still wanted him to go because he had "one beer". - and instead of " I told him to do what he wants to do. " looking at my part in a situation it is here that a perfect opportunity presented itself for you to say what you mean and mean what you say without saying it mean.I would pray about this and remember that this is your Company's Christmas party and what you need is important . I have a bad taste for Christmas parties after my husband came to one Christmas party punched my boss (who was also drunk) and caused a scene-- after that I attended alone.
(((Kt))) - busy day hear so ... am hopeful by the time you read this, you went and had a great time.
My sponsor helped me learn how to tell my husband that I wanted to go alone. I had so much anxiety over what the reaction may be that I was afraid to say what I needed, which was to go alone. In my world, when I finally shared my real needs, he was relieved - he actually didn't like going anyways as he didn't really know anyone. So, we never truly know how something is going to go until we try it....the program taught me that I didn't need to be afraid of what my actual needs were....what a gift, as I spent so much time worrying about hurting, annoying or angering another person.
I don't have that fear any longer. I stay as calm/peaceful as possible and say my truth with I statements. I'm amazed at how well it works when I leave out the word YOU!!
I no longer have to worry about work ones - don't miss them at all either!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks everyone with your helpful feedback. We went to the party together. It went alright but he wasn't pleased to be there (even though he had insisted he wanted to go). I should really tell him how I feel before these things come up. If I Had been honest about wanting to go alone in the first place I wouldn't have been in this situation. I just carried on with my life and didn't let myself worry about him. That worked best for me.
Glad things worked out after all. Honesty is always the best policy, but I know how hard it is to be honest with our alcoholics because many times we walk on eggshells or know what will cause a fight. Hugs to you!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I am too glad for you that it worked out......and - that's why I finally had to 'get real' with my AH - if he didn't want to be 'there', it was obvious and disrupted my fun....or, in the world of work/business, interrupted my business. We often take separate cars to things so that neither has to stay/go when the other wants to. Just depends on the event!!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hugs .. lessons come in all shapes and sizes this one I would take as a say what you mean .. mean what you say and don't say it mean. I agree I put myself into all kinds of uncomfortable situations because I wasn't honest with myself and with the other person. I felt nervous and uncomfortable because I didn't want to be in the situation for me I lacked the "courage" to state my own needs.
I'm glad you went and had a good time in spite of the rocky start.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
