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hi there, I have been in al-anon for about 1 1/2 years. My qualifiers are many, but my most frustrating issue to deal with is setting boundaries with my addict son. My husband does not attend al-anon so he does not have the same insight as I do.... Thanks to al-anon. my addict son is clearly not working a program of recovery any more.... He did for a few months. When I attempt a boundary with my son my husband sabatoges it. He allows our 30 year old son, to. Be completely dependent on us for things he certainly should do for himself. Like be responsible for his own meals. He has no friends, he's lost his girlfriend because of his addiction, so he is ALWAYS coming to our house. When he comes over I immediately fall into the...is he or isn't he high... Which puts me on edge. My husband is in denial that he is using again. I nned someone to share their ESH on how I might deal with it when my addict thinks I do not know he is using. upon taking my personal inventory I realize one of my defects is that I have no tolerance for people who lie or think they are "pulling the wool" over my eyes. So since it's my defect that keeps me so fristrated with him, I need to suggstions on iseas I could practice to help me achieve some peace even though he is still using.
i am really looking forward to learning thru others ESH.
Hi Sally
It helps to remember that boundaries are for us, and not for other people. So, it doesn't matter if someone is 'trying to pull the wool over your eyes"; it only matters that you will not have your eyes covered. You cannot change what your son does and you really can't stop your husband from enabling him either; but you can create boundaries that are for you such as- I won't feed my son if I do not want to or do not feel good about doing it, I wont give him money, I won't engage with him if he is drunk or I feel abused or taken advantage of...I won't discuss my son with my husband if I feel the discussion is unproductive or it upsets me...a boundary is what you will or will not accept for yourself, and when used that way it is an extremely powerful tool. But it has no power over anyone else...make sense?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
In you experience should I express to my son that I think he is using based on his behavior and that is why I am setting boundriess or do I just set the boundriess without an explanation, it's so frustrating because either way there will be an argument.
That's a tricky question. I think it's good if we state the boundaries at the outset so that everyone has an opportunity to understand the "new rules" of engaging with us. However you are right, it will cause an argument the first time, and people that are used to us engaging with their ill habits tend to try very hard to battle our boundaries when we establish them.
However if you simply state your intention and indicate it is not open for discussion, you can then simply repeat "this is not open for discussion" in future.
I don't see any value in telling him you believe he is using again...what do you feel will be gained if you tell him what you believe about his actions? He will know and really, it's sort of more powerful when people figure it out on their own.
Sticking to "I" statements has been so valuable to me. "I am no longer happy to do this". "I have decided I am going to do this from now on". "I am not enjoying this conversation and i have other things to do". I,I,I. I found that really helpfu and simple in the beginning; simply considering everything i said and making sure it was about I and not about "you".
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I have 2 qualifiers who are my sons. I also have a AH who is not in recovery and doesn't support my boundaries. So - rules and consistency are near impossible.
However, when I set up boundaries, it is about self-preservation. I can not control what others do nor what they won't do.
Each time you create/change a boundary, if it 'takes away' (no more $$, no more rides, etc.) from their world, they will revolt. Making the boundaries manageable makes them easier to enforce. I agree that I statements are not a suggestion, but a requirement. It makes it harder to argue if I make I statements.
Setting boundaries is much easier with a sponsor as they have BTDT (been there, done that). If you don't have one, even a trusted program person with some time in the program can assist or even be a sounding block for ya...
HTH!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
