Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Mink · Newbie

Newbie to Al-anon

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome MInk, Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic, fatal disease that can be arrested but not cured. Since we are powerless over it, as we did not cause it, cannot control it an can not cure it is important for family members to search out support for themselves so they can learn how to interact in the insanity without destroying themselves.

I am sorry that you are unable to find alanon meetings in your community. Here is the outline of our on line meetings :

Morning Meetings

Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST

Sat. - Sun at 10am EST

Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.

Night Meetings

Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time

Sunday 7PM eastern time

The log in addy is: http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Each Thursday night at 9PM EST, we will be having a Step/Tradition Meeting to help new people get to know and understand how to work the 12 steps.
After going through one Step per week, and getting through the 12 of them, we then start a Tradition a week on this same night.

Living one day at a time focused on ourselves, not engaging in destructive arguments all help to develop healthy tools to live by

There are also some helpful books you can purchase,

Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drew (do not let the title fool you) it is about how to stay sane in an alcoholic relationship Alanon literature : Paths to recovery, Courage to Change and when I got busy I got better

Keep coming back.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Mink,

I recognise my own journey in your post (I too was the one with the problem!). To a degree there was some truth for me in that comment - I was the one struggling to live with our situation. It is heartbreaking isn't it, but accepting the situation for what it is and then looking at what I could do for me was helpful. I did not try to build Rome in a day - just started with small things that made me feel good about myself and kept my mind out of my husband's behaviour. As I read your post I found myself wondering how you felt during the week, when your husband was away? Can you replicate some of that at the weekends? (Oh, and I'm smiling at your comment about fussing a lot - tee hee! Been there too. Believe me, letting go of that is worth it!).

BTW, I think that mum's have some of the best organisational skills around and I suspect that you are the one running your home and doing a good job of it as well! There is no harm in applying for jobs or asking around. In the past I've thought about doing some voluntary work as a starting point. As a natural born giver it just seemed an idea to give in ways that were helpful for a change.

Anyway, you are not alone any more!!

This is a fabulous place (and Toby Rice Drew's book is sooooo good - apart from the title, so ignore that part!).

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Mink

Welcome and I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I agree that the online meetings are also a great source of support. I had a conversation with a friend today about how much of my life while living with my now ex A was unmanageable and unacceptable but I somehow worked at it until I could live with it...until I couldn't.

You will receive lots of support here and please know you are not alone.

Mary

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Mike - welcome to MIP. Glad you found us and glad you shared.....I see that Betty has provided the schedule for the online meetings - they are fabulous with great members in attendance. I think you will find the ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) helpful as what bonds us together is the insanity of the alcohol/ic.

I too can relate to much of what you shared. My AH worked for the railroad so was gone a ton of the time. I dreaded when he was returning home and learned that my attitude and character defects played a huge role in my own actions/reactions/thoughts. Once I started understanding Al-Anon, and began searching for serenity and peace, I was able to mind my own business, make my own plans and get out of his way.

So very glad you are with us - keep coming back and like Mary above me, you are not alone!

(((Hugs)))

Mink · Newbie

Thanks so much for the info.. I tried the meeting going that was going on, didn't know what I was doing so I got scolded for trying to share. LOL.. I will check out that book though.

Mink · Newbie

Thanks to all of you for replying. I am lost. I truly do not know where to go from here. I feel that this situation is hopeless and I truly hate that. My own self esteem is in the dirt. And Milkwood, I can truly tell you that during the week, it is so peaceful around here that I truly hate to see weekends come because I know he will be home and it will be pure hell all weekend. He is not abusive to me as far as hitting or anything like that, but the verbal stuff, sometimes can be worse. It seems that every time he picks that first beer up, we both go on the defensive because we already know how the day is gonna end. One question, how do you deal with the embarrassment?? To me, that is the worst part. I don't drink and none of my friends drink. It is so embarrassing to go anywhere with him.. Which lately, I dont! I know now that the rest of this year will be awful, because the holidays are the WORST! He was off a week for Thanksgiving and will be off 2 weeks for Christmas and he will be drunk the whole time. All my family will be here visiting, as they do every year.. Which they all know how he is and they all love him dearly.. But they don't have to live with him. They think he is so fun, because they only have to be around him for those 2 weeks out of a year. I have to deal with this crap everyday.. So it's not so much fun for me. But even after this long, I am still so embarrassed at how he acts. I truly think that his addiction has caused me to have a lot of health problems lately. Seems like I've been sick this whole year with one thing or another and I truly think the stress is really affecting me. I'm just lost! Thanks for listening to my rant.

Broken513 · Senior Member

Welcome Mink, Glad you found us...great meetings here...

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Good morning Mink,

You don't have to carry anyone else's embarrassment for them. Their behaviour is theirs. You can put it down. Really, you can!

I found that I grew angry and I was also trying so hard to 'make things right'. It was funny one time when friends were staying with us - I cooked enough food to feed an army and just kept bringing more and more to the table. Our friends couldn't eat for a week after that. Anyway, with hindsight I can see that I rather over-compensated for something that they didn't even know existed! There are times when I've looked at what I'm embarrassed about and realised that it was about my own decisions and there were some uncomfortable lessons for me in that - but they were worth acting on.

Anyway the best advice that I gave myself was that I was responsible for my own life and my self esteem. I knew that I could still enjoy myself and have fun regardless of what my husband was doing as long as I didn't become resentful. If I was feeling sorry for myself I would look at that and try to give myself a nice treat or a rest if that was what I needed. When my health started to suffer I really started to concentrate on self care. I found that doing yoga and meditation was remarkably good and eating well (I enjoy cooking so I learnt to bake which was something I hadn't done before). There is a lovely phrase that you will see around here which is to keep your focus on you - what do you need?

I'm so pleased to hear that you enjoy the peace during the week - that means that you do know how to take care of yourself. For me my next step was how to restore that self esteem It is an empowering feeling. I started to take care of the little girl in me who had been hurt by hurtful words and then by me adding my own silly 'perhaps I'm not worthy' comments (good lord I was doing it to myself!!!) I learnt think about things that I liked; about people who loved me and things that I enjoyed. I chose not to engage or listen to the ranting of a drunk person. That was how I started to feel better.

Mink · Newbie

Well that's kinda the part that I am so confused about.. How do you not listen to it. My AH is the type, I cant get away from him unless I physically leave the house. I try to go to another room, he follows me, I go outside, he follows me. I try to ignore him and he picks and picks and picks until I feel like my head is gonna explode if I don't say something back and then its on.. I know a lot of the fights are my fault because I do have the resentment. I resent him for our lives being in the shape their in. I resent him because our son had to grow up in this kind of home. I resent him because we cant have a social life, I resent him for doing lots of things that I have never told a sole. But most of all I resent him because we were once true soulmates and we were so happy and I resent him for choosing alcohol over me. It makes me feel worthless and that I'm not good enough. I know thats probably not right, but that is how I feel.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I welcome you as well to MIP and hope you do find a local meeting .. http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting
I used to live with the same experience as you do, my AH is a high functioning alcoholic as well, and
everyone here on this board can tell you that the worst times for me were the week-ends. Once you
start to work the 12-steps and get into the literature (takes a few months) you will learn how to
detach with love/empathy. Detaching from the alcoholics verbal abuse is the most important stance
you can take/learn, because it entails learning to let go of your ego (not needing to be right) because
there is no way you can win a verbal "battle with a drunk in a bar." Get to meetings, there are two
here on this website a day and buy yourself two good books: "Courage To Change" and "One Day At
A Time In Al-Anon." Glad you found us and please do keep coming back.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Mink,

Glad to have you here! I would encourage you to try another online meeting. You can private message the leader and ask about etiquette, it't not difficult, but it is important to keep order and also many people at the meetings are stressed like you so having the etiquette in place gives a structure that we lack in other areas of our lives.

Also, keep coming back here, this is kinda like an offline meeting.

The first thing we work on in Al Anon is almost exactly the same as the first of the twelve steps of AA: we admit that we are powerless over alcohol. There are many things wrapped up in that first step, and it is a biggie, with much growth associated with accepting and working that we are powerless over alcohol. Alcoholism is a dreadful disease, one that we didn't ask for, nor did the alcoholic. Acceptance of the disease is difficult sinc they don't seem "sick", but those of us who have dealt with it know that they really are sick.

Accepting, having appropriate expectations, and learning how to talk to the A like a person again and not an irrational drunk, are all gifts that come from this program. I encourage you to keep working on it.

Kenny

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello again Mink,

I can only give you my experience, it is up to you to think about what feels right for you in your circumstances.

I used to move from room to room and like you my husband would follow or would go to another room and make such a racket that it was still impossible for me to relax. When I reached a point where I could quietly, calmly, turn round and state my need I increased my chances of being able to have the space I needed to calm down inside our home. Before that I would have to leave the house and take a twenty minute or longer walk. Most times by the time I got home AH had moved on to a calmer spot as well.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene