The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I regularly attended alanon years ago. Besides reading here regularly, I am considering attending local meetings again. I have been with my husband for 30 years. He has been an active drinker for as long as I have known him and I learned detachment a long time ago. In the past year he has developed quite a few health problems so between that and the fact our adult son who still lives at home, is a full blown alcoholic, my husband has really cut back his drinking. He hates what he sees in his son and blames himself. Neither one go to AA. One night about 6 months ago they had a fist fight and I called the police. Since that incident the one thing that has changed is my husband is drinking much less. He used to share a 30 pack with my son on the weekends in addition to his stash of nightly sips of his favorite hard liquor. Since he wants to "set a good example" now, he will drink one or two beers with son and stop before noticeable intoxication. My son has noticed and mentioned Dad not drinking much. My son is up to about two cases a weekend and his hard stuff too. My son gave up dating, seeing old friends, isolates himself, verbally abuses mostly me and is difficult to live with. This has been going on for one year since girlfriend broke up with him. I have made a life for myself and enjoy some hobbies outside my home. I also meditate every day which helps and go to the gym 3 times per week. My husband and I get along much better than the early years and we plan many fun events on the weekends while son drinks or sleeps home alone. We invite our son and he never wants to join us. Husband doesn't want to lose me so he is making efforts and changes. We do more and more non-drinking fun things together.
My son (24) is getting worse. He is drinking himself to poor health. He refuses to see a medical Dr or a therapist. He works a job (not a career)and spends his money on fast food and alcohol. Nothing I say will encourage him to seek help. He definitely has mental health issues as well. Depression, anger, self hatred and self sabbatoging. I want to move all the furniture out of the basement so he can't isolate down there anymore. Maybe if he actually stayed upstairs and communicated it may help. Husband disagrees. Says leave him alone. Leaving him alone/isolation is making him crazier. So then I am thinking let's sell the house and move to a house without a basement and see if he comes along. Then I think let's motivate him to find an apartment. I know that will trigger more abandonment issues. We are all he has. I know I would be enabling because I would be doing all the work to find and furnish an apt. He has no motivation. We lost a teenage son to a car accident many years ago so of course I am afraid I could lose this one too. I love my son very much. I pray for divine intervention daily.
I know I can't control or cure him. I know to stay out of his business. I walk away, leave the room or house when he comes upstairs to eat if he gets mean or nasty. If he is kind, I listen, validate and try to encourage. I just want to see if I have any options because months are turning into years with no changes. He could rot downstairs since there are no positive influences in his life. Family or friends don't come by anymore.
Welcome Marie I am glad that you are plannng to return to the alanon face to face meetings in your community There is a saying in alanon that"Nothing changes if nothing changes" .
Alcoholism is a powerful, chronic , deadful disase that can be arrested but never cured We did not cause it, cannot control it, and cannot cure it.
Since we are powerless over the disease the best we can do is to change our behavior, detach from the persn, keep the focus on ourselves and live life on life' terms.
AA members make 12 step calls so that maybe at some point, after you are back in meetings you could suggest this to him
Keep coming back
Good morning Marie - glad you shared with us and glad you're here! I have two sons with this disease, and when they are both 'active', it can be a crap-shoot around here.
I had to get better and better and better with detachment and boundaries. I had to keep the focus on me. I did end up establishing a boundary making my home a 'dry/sober house'. Needless to say, both of my boys moved out as they wanted to do their thing and feed their disease.
My husband is also an A, as am I. We met and married in recovery - I stayed sober, he did not. He has health issues and still drinks, but has slowed way down and hides it well enough that I can detach quite easily. He moved out of the bedroom many years ago, so we have separate space.
My experience is that the answers for me are within the program, the steps and my Higher Power, who I call God. I have worked the steps with my sponsor and found some great tools to help me forge forward towards peace and serenity, one day at a time, in spite of what they do. I know and can relate to how difficult it is when it's you child/ren, however I've come to embrace the concept that God does not have grandchildren and it's his job to lead them to where he wants them to go. I am but one influence on their lives and right now, just for today, they are not seeing/hearing me, so detaching allows them to learn their path in spite of me and what I am doing.
Keep coming back - you are not alone and we're just a post away!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Marie...just saying...the post right under this one, yours, was the lead to change by Betty. You might even have that daily reader..."The courage to Change" which was and is one of the necessary tools that helped me affect change in my sick life when I was caught and held by the disease. Do you have a copy? Do you still use it? Sending prayers energy and ESH. In support with the family, ((((hugs))))
I just want to welcome you. It's great that you've decided to attend in person Alanon meetings. I hope you have a good experience and will keep coming back. Just being able to share with others and hear their shares can help to free us from a feeling of isolation. Before Alanon, I felt no one would ever understand what I was going through.
I hope you'll find answers that work for you and for your family. Glad you've joined us. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
