The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was awakened this morning by my mother calling. She almost never calls and she has recently been having some health issues, so my first thought was that something had happened to her and her husband was using her phone to let me know. (I like him, but he wasn't the man who raised me, so feel a little weird realizing he's my step-father). Anyhow, she called to let me know my grandmother, her mother, had died. She had been doing poorly for the last year, so it wasn't unexpected. Although I am sad and miss her, I'm relieved that she is no longer suffering. I've been spending the day curled up thinking about her, crying, and watching silly shows to process it.
I was very slightly tempted to call the abf who deleted my profile (so he wouldn't bother me, I think he's expecting me to contact him after the holidays). He has a way of knowing what to say about difficult things sometimes (one of his more redeeming qualities), but I attended a f2f meeting yesterday, and it was fresh in my mind. The stories here, too, are fresh in my mind. I'm starting to see what could happen to me down the road if I don't make some big changes and really work on myself.
I was thinking the alcoholics have it simple in a way. All they have to do is avoid alcohol (not easy, simple). In my case, I COULD avoid the alcoholic although in some cases - if it were my child or a family member, it wouldn't be simple. And yet I still find myself half hoping he'll find a way to contact me and offer comfort... and am starting to miss him even. Oddly, he has a few nice qualities in common with my grandmother (although she wasn't much of a drinker as far as I know)... and maybe that's what's messing with my head.
They're both neat freaks (I enjoy a clean space but usually can't be bothered to be tidy much) and are conscious of being well groomed. As she did, he keeps bags that he fills with goodies to give to his kids he sees them. Whatever his faults are, his attempts to be there for his kids in spite of his mistakes is what kept me hoping he'd improve. He still might. I just don't know.
All I know is I've got to get it very clear in my mind what I want.
I accidentally deleted what I had started to say about counting days. It's day 4 without having contacted him in any way. I wonder if it would be helpful to reward myself for that - or for specific boundary respecting goals... Like, how many days have I gone without jumping in and helping someone with something that wasn't actually my problem.
AM .. I'm so sorry about your loss. Big hugs. I hope you will reward yourself with something that renews your soul. For me it's quiet time without the demands of others pulling at me one way or another .. a good book or just zoning out into music on my iPod. Whatever you choose to do .. fill your soul with good thoughts and positive affirmations.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
AnnM - I too am sorry for the loss of your grandmother. Prayers and positive vibes to you - peace for all of you during the grieving time!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your grandmother.
This is an especially vulnerable time as this is about the time our memories of the horrors of addiction can start to fade and all the good memories come flooding back. We start to feel a bit lonely and sad, and suddenly we can't entirely remember why we found it so hard to be with the A. I think it must be the same feeling a recovering A gets after a few days of sobriety - "I bet I could go back in that bar. It was cozy and friendly in there. It made me feel good. I can handle it this time, I know I can. Things are different now. It wouldn't hurt me to go back in for a while." They get a selective amnesia and we do too.
The thing is that an A never has good solid emotional support to offer, because the bottle always comes first. They offer the hope of what we want, but the reality is only there long enough to suck us in. Then we spend a long time yearning for that hit of caring and attention, and desperately hoping to get it back.
We are extra vulnerable when we've lost loved ones. We do need extra caring and support. But if we turn to the wrong people for it, we're left with two kinds of sorrow: our original sorrow, and the sorrow of having hoped that someone impaired could come through for us.
The fact is that if you had a warm, healthy, supportive relationship with your A, he'd already be there for this. If you're like me, you might think, "But it was my fault he's not here! I drove him away." But that's not true. It takes two to make a dynamic. No A can be operating on all cylinders and available for a real and solid relationship. Their minds are scrambled by the alcohol, they haven't grown up because they've been drinking to avoid it, and their focus is on the addiction.
It got so that I had to make lists of all the painful and horrible things the A had done, all the ways he'd let me down. When I was tempted to get back together with him, I'd take out the list and read it over. It didn't make me happy, but it kept me safe.
Please take good care of yourself, especially at this sad time. Hugs.
I accidentally deleted what I had started to say about counting days. It's day 4 without having contacted him in any way. I wonder if it would be helpful to reward myself for that - or for specific boundary respecting goals... Like, how many days have I gone without jumping in and helping someone with something that wasn't actually my problem.
Hi Ann,
that is similar to what AA does, they have these coins they call "chips" that they get for milestones. The first one I believe they get is 24 hours. Remember, it's all about you, so if that is the kind of thing that motivates you, then I would say go ahead.
I haven't posted here much because I'm still muddling along with my own AH. However, this touched me as I have some very similar experience. In fact, the situation was one of the first times I really began to "see" that something was tragically wrong in our relationship. I hope you don't mind me sharing here as the anniversary of my grandfather's passing has this fresh on my mind.
My grandfather passed away 4 years ago very suddenly and in a very dramatic fashion. No one was prepared for it in any way. At first AH was front and center stepping up to be there for me, stay home with the girls while I traveled to be with my family, etc. However, once the initial shock was over, and he had spent a few days actually taking up the slack and being responsible, I was still reeling at the events and prospect of real life again. He attacked me for being away alone, that we'd never "taken trips" without each other before - I had literally just put my bag away from my flight home BTW. I was speechless; I actually remember just plopping on the bed and closing my eyes. That moment forever changed the way I looked at our relationship, although it was another couple of years before I realized the part alcohol was playing.
I guess what it really says to me is that I don't look to him for support. Even the support he offers outright is taken now with the knowledge that it will be short-lived and retracted as soon as it begins to take away from his own interests and attention.
I hope you are able to find the support you need, over the long-term.
I'm very sorry you lost your grandmother. You made a good choice to go to an Alanon meeting. It might help to make as many as you have time for. This can be a tough time of year in general with the year coming to an end, the holidays and family get togethers. You are now coping with a death of a loved one and a separation from your abf. That is a lot.
I hope you'll keep coming back to share as you grieve. (((hugs)) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank you all for your support. I went to another meeting yesterday and as before, I left with plenty of food for thought and the feeling that I'm on the right track with al-anon.
One of the attendees mentioned that with al-anon, it is suggested that one not not make major changes for a year (or was it 6 months to a year) and that she personally felt she grew more when she had a relationship with an alcoholic. I have to admit, a big fear of mine with letting go of him is that I'll just find a new alcoholic to replace him if I don't work on myself and whether I keep a connection or not to him may not matter so much as the working on myself part. Something else that struck me was the idea of one day at a time..
A part of me was angry with this idea of not making a change, though. I'd finally broken away from him, but on the other hand, I didn't feel quite right about it... like there's still some unfinished business. Like maybe it would benefit me to learn how to hold my own and to fully understand myself before I make decisions about what to do long term.
I've been reading heavily from "Getting them Sober" and it has really struck a chord with me. I've never had the illusion that anything I did could really keep him from drinking. I was pretty sure it would be futile and I think I've been so afraid of being left that I'd buy him drinks myself if that kept him dependent on me. It's only lately, in the last month or so since I joined an al-anon email group and been thinking about the ideas that I've started to feel that I wanted better, that I cared about him too much to help him hurt himself any more. I'd rather leave and move on - but that may be a process. I have no idea how it will turn out.
Another thing this person reminded me of was "one day at a time." I think that's what decided it for me that I would contact him again. I don't have to tolerate the junk I have before if I don't want to. I don't have to rush to help him if he asks for it. I can allow a connection for now, try get support knowing it will likely fail. I can do that tentatively with the idea that if it's not helping me, then I can back off. I have frequently left or cut off contact temporarily if I couldn't handle the way he was treating me. Since I've started reading and thinking about al-anon, I'm finding I'm less willing to be around that.
I finally did reach out to him last night via text - just a simple hope that he had a pleasant holiday with his family. He responded in kind and thanked me.
I was feeling anxious about not hearing from him today... I read from the Getting them Sober book, trying to put it off, but finally gave in and sent him something similar to last night.. wishing him luck on his job hunt and telling him about my grandmother dying. As usual, when I bring up something of that kind, he said something positive and encouraging. I imagine he's been out playing poker and drinking, maybe trying to find a woman to pick up. I don't really know. I try to tell myself there's no point in dwelling on it. Reading that book and hearing other people's experiences is helping. Even if I'm not there yet.
The comment that if we had a warm, supportive, healthy relationship, he'd be there for me already - it's right on the mark. Although his words were comforting, his brief and polite words just left me feeling lonely. I would have liked a hug, someone to listen to me remember her and cry. I've never been able to cry in front of anyone, but I wish I could feel safe enough to do that. I feel a bit like a failure for contacting him but also like the interactions with him are re-enforcing what I'm learning from al-anon. I have felt more at peace with myself in the last month than I have in my whole life.
Again thank you all for your support and for sharing. I still feel the loss of my grandfather too, although it's been over 10 years. My grandmother, though, was a mother to me more than my own mother. I didn't always understand her, but I always felt loved, unconditionally. I didn't make as much time for her as I thought I should have towards the end. It was so hard to see her seeming so miserable.. I can think of a million ways I could have been there for her. I can't do anything about it now, but I hope I learn from it, learn to appreciate the other good people in my life more..
