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Ok I need some help with clarifying the role of a victim.
I'm confused as usual. As victims we are intent on proving our rightness. Therefore we blame others and or circumstances that suit OUR NEEDS to justify our behavior in a given situation. Which makes us a victim of others or unlucky circumstances.
This is where I'm confused. I have a situation where my expectations were not met. This is MY problem. Others tell me the expectations were not unreasonable( so are there times when our expectaions are reasonable and we are not simply assuming a victim role?). I was hurt and profoundly sad with the discovery that unconditional family love was not there...... For whatever reason. I have no choice but to accept this. I can not change, nor want to persuade, manipulate anyone to give what they are not willing nor capable of giving. So with the hurt, pain and disapointment, anger set in. (My one sibling is very good at pushing my triggers. I'm currently lacking emotional strength, between the divorce, my Mom's illness , financial issues and trying to fix myself, as well as own my part in all this. With hopes of not to repeating this insanity.) I've made the choice to remove myself from my family for now. I was not coping. Found it difficult if not impossible, not to react to the triggers. I was quick to anger and not yet willing.... to accept the lack of emotional support from my family. When we were together there were frequent blowups, this was not good for my Mom. I found myself not functioning for days afterwards, not wanting to get out of bed. Tired, depressed, not really caring if I lived or died. So I made the choice to remove myself for now in hopes that time would improve my acceptance, help me find forgiveness for what I perceived was hurtful so I can let go of the anger, and hurt. Learn to cope and no longer react. Mom is being taken care of , I talk to her. Am I being a victim, drama queen in removing myself from this situation for the moment?
To me, victim is sometimes, yes, bad things happen to good people. Accidents, etc. We need to heal, recover, stop blaming someone, life, God eventually, and finish living our life.
To sign up for being a victim, well, it's like getting hurt by someone, not once, but twice, thrice, and so on. We keep going back for more. We haven't learned are lesson yet, to remove ourselves from the situation, either trying to be a martyr, mothering, manipulating people or situations. (The four M's and right now, I can't remember the 4th M) Anyway, out of anger, and tangled emotions, we blame others, and not take responsibility for our own well-being (physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mental-health wise!)
If you are removing yourself from a situation, sounds like you're on the right path to self-care. Hope this helps. John reminded me once that alcoholism was like someone dropping an anvil on your foot. What will you do next time? (Get outta the way!)
P.S. I glanced over your first sentence. May I borrow a line from Dr. Phil? Do we want to be right? Or do we want to be happy? (and I'll add Healthy and Whole) Being right is a tough thing to let go of...(when we may be!-- sometimes we are not--others have to follow their own course in life) --- but practicing surrender of being right to finding the path to serenity, peace, and inner calm is soooo much better with help of our alanon program.
i am a victim when something/ someone hurts me and its the first time....i am handling it healthy when i say "hey U did this.....this is how i feel about it......to protect me i am going to do this____________" and i take care of me....THAT is victim, who is setting boundaries to NOT be repeat victim......
i am a "volunteer" if i keep allowing the SAME thing/ person to hurt me over and over and over again...w/ NO action on my part to take care of me.....
one of my favorite sayings is "what i permit?? i promote".......hope this made sense....rosie
I found that part of my victimization was being a victim to my own emotions. I allowed them to rule my heart and head many times. Only through working this program and realizing that was what I was doing have I been able to gain new prespectives on how to handle situations within myself and with others.
Working through my fourth step in the blue print of progress I was able to uncover some of the areas that I was prone to become a victim to.
I think you are wise to take a step back away from your family while you sort things out withn yourself. That is so helpful in stopping the blame and taking responsibility for ourselves.
Well there is a saying I hear often there are n o vicitims in Al-Anon we volunteer. yuck !!!!I can detach from what others say and not take it personally and as far as support from people who are not in a program it just isn't there. They do not understand if tthey are not living with the problem themselves -The solution to that one for me was my sponsor and other members of t his iprogram they always understand me,regardless of how stupid i think it is someone has been there and done that before me.
Removing yourself physically from your family can be painful , you can set boundaries for your relationships with them, see them but remove yourself if it becomes uncomfortable much better than sticking around and justifying your thinking or actions. You don't have to justify why u do what u do that is no ones business but yours. You can keep the relationships gong by just making phone contact to let them know that you are thinking of them - hello and good bye sort of thing. If we don't want them comenting on our decisssion , don't tell them just do it . Louise
a victim is someone who chooses that role. One cannot be made a victim of if one will not let it happen. Being a victim is a frame of mind one can get into when something bad happens to one against their will.
Someone posted on another thread the story of the two monks, that one helped a young lady across a river and forgot about it. the other remembered this and was astonished that he could touch a member of the opposite sex, and asked him about it. The helping monk said that he stopped carrying the girl at the river, and why is the other one still carrying her?
Victimization is the same thing. If you focus on the bad thing that happened, and poor you, then you are a victim.
If you focus on the best you can do with the situation, and try to move forward, and ask for help, then you are not a victim, you are victorious!
I don't really understand your situation too well. I can say I came to the point of almost total breakdown dealing with the A and total physical and emotional exhaustion. I have had to withdraw myself from a lot of stuff and especially anything taxing. I have also had to build myself back up slowly but surely. I think that is essential for me. That means I do not take on other's problems at the moment including the A. I try to focus on me.
I think I have always been other orientated and working on me is tough stuff. I also know that I think it is very valid at certain times in my life to ask for help (I went to counselling and come here often) and focus on yourself.
I truly appreciate all your responses. You have given me clarity.
I was concerned about being selfish or mean spirited by removing myself from my family at this time, until I gain a bit of strength. Your explanations and descriptions of a victim were most helpful. I had allot of guilt over this. However in my heart felt it was the best for everyone at this time.
I do find I'm always seeking others approval of what I do or do not do. If I feel I've not lived up to what I should I apologize profusely. I am beggining to feel the I do not have to justify my self to others. I'm getting glimpses of this.
I struggle with my wt. As a young women I was tall and slender. then 16 years ago I had a bout with cancer. I had 8 mo of chemo and gained wt from the steroids given with my chemo and inactivity. I was never able to really get the wt off. I'm a size 16.
I've become very self concious of my wt. when my A would get drunk he would call me a fat pig. My Mom said to me when I told her I need to end this marriage... that maybe my marriage was in trouble because I had a wt problem. She said you know some men do not like fat women. It had nothing to do with the fact that he drank 2 to 3 thirty packs of beer a week and was verbaly abusive to me when drunk. It was because of my wt.
Well I went to see her last evening to give her a shower and wash and fix her hair. I did not take my jacket off at first. It is easier to hide from her dirty looks at my wt under my jacket. She made a remark about my not taking my jacket off, was I not staying. I simply said I was a bit chilled. I can not eat anything in front of her without her making a remark or making a comment about what I've chosen to eat or how much. So I do not eat around her anymore. She the last time I was there and when I made the choice to remove myself accused me of taking a german candy bar. She is not remembering well right now.
Anyway I said I did not take your candy (of course because I'm the fat one I'm the only one that could have taken her candy bar). I mentioned maybe my brother had taken it. She says oh no he is diabetic he would never eat candy. When my brother that pushes my buttons came to relieve me I asked him if he knew where Mom's candy bar had gone as she was sure I'd taken it. He said''she told me to take it because it had nuts in it and she can not eat nuts anymore.'' So much for the diabetic not eating candy.
He goes down stairs and tells her she told him to take it and he did. She exclaims oh you did I must have forgotton. Of course no apology to me, she would never acknowledge an error. At any rate she is old and having some memory problems, however much of tha past is coming to light and I must learn to deal with this in a healthy manner. I can only change myself and my reactions to what happens. I'm hurt that after surviving cancer my family is so focused on outward appearences and not simply satisfied I survived. I'm not thrilled about my wt but have accepted it. I have lost and gained so many times and decided that was not healthy either. I'm active and care for 10 horses daily, mucking slinging manure, tossing hay , filling my feed bins.
Oh well , thanks again and I'm getting to f to f meetings not as reg as I'd like, they are a big help. The understanding of those that have walked the walk. I do not have a sponser yet. I'm reading my Alanon lit. and keeping a journal. Talking to my HP and handing things over.
I will continue with my family and now my A is calling to get the taxes and a few other things done. I just do not want to have anything to do with my A right now. Then I wonder if I'm being childish or immature by not wanting to talk to him. He moved out told me he was moving in with a man he worked with. He moved in with a women he has known for years. Someone told me at her wedding 8 years ago my A danced with her and told her she was making a mistake marrying the guy she was..... as she was too good for him. Guess my A was a better match for her after her 2 divorces and numerous boyfriends. I'm sorry to vent so I'm just having a tough go of it lately again. You all know the hills and valleys. Thanks for listening.
