The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After dating my first alcoholic boyfriend this year, I've realized that this is the first time in my life I've had to take a real hard look at alcoholism and I am trying to wrap my head around it all...
I am a nurse and in my chaotic world of work I am exposed to alcoholics d.a.i.l.y. After 9 years of watching wives as they dutifully trudge alongside their drunk-icidal or end-stage liver disease spouse, watching the life snuffed out of not only my patient but every loved one that has chosen to stand by and love the alcoholic to the bitter end - I came to a place where I unconsciously thought to myself "I will never choose that kind of a man (an alcoholic) as my husband. I never want to go through that."
I've always thought of alcoholics as people who lack self-control, perhaps have poor coping skills, can't or don't want to face life, and/or simply choose to drink. In al-anon, I'm learning that it's called a disease that I can't cause, change, or cure. I'm hoping that attending some open AA meetings will enlighten me.
I ended things with my boyfriend because i found out that whe was an active alcoholic, that he was trying to rush us into marriage shortly after meeting, and that he was deceitful in the little things as well as emotionally underdeveloped.
The bible talks in Proverbs about 'a man without self control is a city without walls' - easily trampled on, easily destroyed. I realized that I don't trust men that lack self-control. They scare me. They're unpredictable. And one of the most painful and freeing lessons I've learned in my life is that I can't control a single person. I can influence, but I can't make them do anything they don't want to. I was saddened that my boyfriend "chose" to give himself over to alcohol rather than be a free, sober man. My heart grieves that we didn't get a fair chance at a relationship. He doesn't see it or believe, but he truly is a wonderful man.
I understand more now why women (and even men) choose to stick by and in some cases cling to an alcoholic. I will admit that it crossed my mind several times with my boyfriend, regardless of my experience as a nurse because now it was personal, now a man was pursuing me and my heart, and my thinking began to change. I saw how his drinking perpetuated his wrong thinking, his depression, and self-esteem issues. I saw how he believed so many lies and in some ways thought that "loving him" would "help him stop."
I believe that it is God's grace that gave me enough insight and strength to end things. I do not believe that as long as my ex is drinking, we can ever have a long, fruitful relationship. His alcohol will always be his mistress as long as he chooses her.
Again, I'd really like any wisdom or clarity from those of you who have walked through this.
Thanks, Nova
-- Edited by Nova on Saturday 21st of November 2015 11:50:07 AM
-- Edited by Nova on Saturday 21st of November 2015 11:53:14 AM
I don't really know the answer to your question, I'm not sure that there is any 'right' thinking - just lots of individuals choosing the path that is right for them at the time. My husband and I had been together for twenty years without drink featuring in our relationship at all and because the progression was gradual it was tough to spot it, and then tough to admit the changes that I finally saw were real and really happening. I do remember thinking 'oh, I haven't got a manual for this situation!'
I think that you have expressed many insights in your post and I thank you for the care you offer to all who come through the doors in your profession.
Alanon really helped me, and, of course, many many others, to take a step back and to see my situation as it really was. It has helped me to find ways to cope, and even thrive, regardless of what the alcoholic in my life is doing. I am aware that from time to time I might seem to be uncaring, especially when my husband is in some crisis or other, but I do hope that any professionals that I come across have the kind of empathy that you have expressed here.
Your post is quite inspirational. I have love for my abf, but i cant live our life together asvlong as alcohol is his choice over his family. I hope i too have the courage you have had to make a better way for my family.
Thank you for your post Nova. I too am wrapping my head around alcoholism/addiction after loving my first A. Sometimes I get hung up on why do I have to learn about this now after all the damage is done? Then I try and switch my focus to it's better to learn this late in life rather than not at all!
((Hugs))
-- Edited by OceanTide on Saturday 21st of November 2015 04:59:09 PM
Welcome Nova, I believe that you answered your own question. "His alcohol will always be his mistress as long as he chooses her." Thank you for sharing a great topic.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Hi Nova in alanon we believe that alcoholism is a chronic , progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured. When an alcoholic reaches out for recovery, it is one day at a time reprieve from the disease. We must accept that we did not cause the disease, cannot control it and cannot cure it. I believe that is the right thinking regarding the disease
Partners and the family of an alcoholic suffer greatly attempting to cope with the inanity that the disease and that is why alanon was founded.
NO one in alanon will ever suggest that you leave a relationship unless your life is in danger . That is because we are a spiritual program that bases our principles upon faith in a Power greater than ourselves. Members are encouraged to define their own HP , focus on themselves, meditate , and pray for guidance, and look inward for the small voice within that will give them the right direction for their lives This is a fellowship of equals and No one in alanon is capable of giving another advise, except as to the use of an alanon tool or steps
I agree with what Milkwood shared and believe life with an alcoholic is an individual journey and that there are no cookie cutter answers. Thanks for sharing your process.
Hi Nova, Thank you for your thoughtful post. I will share a bit of my thinking on alcoholism, as I went through that journey with my late AH.
I am one of those wives that you may have seen accompanying their husband through the medical system. It is a discouraging and exhausting process. I am thankful to the nurses who attended my AH as he had many Emergency Room visits and hospitalizations with the terrible health consequences of this disease. Yes, he may have had various conditions from other causes, but doctors were quite clear that the years of drinking had made things worse. Abstinence was the only option, and that never really happened for my husband.
I have come to believe that my AH was a very good person with a very bad disease, which -- by the nature of the disease. its progressiveness, denial, and the shame and stigma that our society puts on alcoholics -- he could not cure himself by his own efforts, and he was not willing to seek outside help for it.
One of the "Do's and Dont's" that we read at my Al-Anon meetings says, "Do learn the facts about alcoholism." I have found that to be most helpful. If you are of a scientific bent, I can recommend the books Under the Influence and Beyond the Influence, by Katherine Ketcham. The information in these books helped me understand what is physically going on in the alcoholic's brain and body, and how the drug alcohol gets such a hold on them. It is not their fault, but they do have to take responsibility for managing their disease.
Each alcoholic affects many people around them, and each of those people has to make their own choices about how best to manage their own pain. Al-Anon was and still is a great tool that has helped me, my family, and even my friends because of what I have learned and been able to share (but not to push).
I often think about how many famous, talented, and prominent people in history (artists, writers, politicians, you name it) ... have been alcoholics. They contributed major things to the world, ... but it couldn't have been much fun to be their family members. People are complex, and we all have good and "bad" potential in us.
But to my main point, learning the facts about alcoholism has helped me gain some empathy for the alcoholic. No one likes to be pitied, so I will not pity them. But I do understand that they face a difficult situation that they cannot handle alone, and it is their choice whether or not to take any steps to seek help. Just as we family members have choices about the best way to take care of ourselves.
