The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I recently ended things with my active alcoholic boyfriend. He didn't drink in front of me so it wasn't in-my-face-obvious, but I knew that something was off. Trying to stay emotionally connected for any period of time was extremely painful and he never liked to talk on the phone (I thought strange)...and then it clicked when he just came out and told me "I'm scared that the closer you get to me the sooner you'll figure out that I'm an alcoholic." I. Was. Crushed.
I know that he's a man and I've learned that some men need a "lot" of help, and I kinda fancied him enough to "maybe" be there for that. Plus, I've never been in a romantic relationship with an alcoholic before and didn't realize how dramatically different a sober man is from an active alcoholic. Ultimately I am grateful that his drinking came to light prior to marriage, but I'm struggling. Of course, I fell in love with him. This is part of the struggle and I'll let time do that beautiful thing it usually does and heal me. The other part, a bit more difficult surprisingly is straight up abandoning him. Now let's be real, he's a grown man. And he's responsible for his own decisions. I just can't shake the horrible rejection and abandonment that I've felt in the past when I've shared very vulnerable parts of me with someone (in this case a man) and they said "Ugh. Really? Well. Sorry. Gotta got." and then they disappear. I feel horrible thinking that I'd do that to him.
I've started going to al-anon meetings and reading up on codependency and trying to get to the bottom of what I'm responsible for. I do not feel an ounce responsible for his drinking and have NO desire to be a helicopter girlfriend and beg him to stop or hover thinking that he will. Yuck. Not interested. I want him to want to change and I can't do that for him. And so I ended it because the trajectory looked grim.
I have no clue if any of that made sense. Would love feedback and wisdom from those of you who have walked through this.
Welcome Nova It is great that you have found alanon meetings and are attending. Being in a relationship with an alcoholic is difficult and we end of abandoning ourselves in the hope of building a healthy relationship.
Alanon was founded in order to help family members find the tools to live by so as to regain their own self esteem, self focus and self care. Alcoholism is a chronic , progressive disease that we did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure
Working the Steps, using the slogans, examining my motives all worked to help me to understand how to act in my own best interest and to stop reacting to everyone around.
The program works Keep coming back
Hi Nova. I got involved (knowingly) with a recovering addict alcoholic without knowing too much about how complicated the disease really was. Unfortunately as our relationship got tough, and the rush of new excitement wore off, he went back to using hard drugs for 10 months. I didn't ask the right questions and saw a huge change in him but it took a few months for me to finally figure out what was going on. I then stuck it out for eight more months and it was hell. I recently joined this board and have started face-to-face meetings. I regret not leaving several times when I was given more than enough reason to (Cheating, lying, etc) because the more time I stayed, the sicker I became too. He is now gone and I'm left here picking up the pieces...good thing I have lots of time on my hands to do so!
Hi Nova..sighs all I can do is give you a hug..I'm at a cross roads too About the only thing I know for sure is that this program works..it will help you through days when you feel like you can't breathe
Welcome Nova - glad you found us and glad you shared! So sorry that you got attached before he was able to share his truth. Alcoholism is such a painful, baffling and progressive disease - I am glad, for today, that you've chosen you. I met and married my husband in recovery, and he relapsed after 2 years of marriage, 8 years sober. He never returned to recovery...so my old experience has made me extremely 'gun-shy' about relationships with other A(s)....both my sons are qualifiers as well - so for me, it's all around me.
Al-Anon has given me the tools to cope with all that comes with this disease. I am so grateful - beyond words most days. Life is far from perfect, but I am content with where I am and how I live. I am moderately happy too - comparable to those with 'lovely perfect lives' - if such exist...
I am all for doing whatever is required in life to put me first. This was a concept I had never learned and I am such a better person, friend, mother, wife, etc. when I take care of my needs and then tend to others if/as needed/wanted. I think it's great to see you choose you - step away, attend Al-Anon and begin learning more about what makes you tick. I don't think you will find anyone here that will think that's a wrong choice!
So - keep coming back and welcome to the MIP family! We're glad you are here!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm very intreiged by the comment you made about how dramatically different an alcoholic is compared to a sober man. I have only had relationships with alcoholics.....active and sober. Well ok... I've only has
