The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The past few days I have been non-stop thinking of every negative thing my RAH has ever done to me and the kids. Some things, his family also participated in which almost seemed like a conspiracy to split us up. They said "we were only trying to save him." In the process they tried throwing me under the bus and almost succeeded. I'm letting it consume me. Whenever they say "he's doing so well! he's not drinking!" I respond with agreement because it is true. But inside I'm seething. What about me? What about what I went through for all these years? I'm supposed to clap my hands and say YAY everything is all better now! Well it's not. That's all pushed under the rug and I'm told by my RAH: "That's old news." But it's not old news to me! It was not that long ago that I was going through hell. I still have so much resentment and bitterness built up and I just don't know how to let it go. I try to block it all out of my head but it keeps creeping in. I have a habit of bringing up the past hurts and making my feelings known because I want validation, I want him to make it all up to me. It's really hard to start a marriage over after so much damage has been done to it. One thing his uncle did say that I thought was extremely considerate was "I'm happy for BOTH of you that he is doing well." That one statement acknowledged ME and the fact that I have been in the trenches suffering right along with him.
((Rosanne)) I can so identify and have had the same thoughts, and negative feelings. Prior to program, I did not have the tools to set myself free from the negative happenings of the past . I found that the Alanon Steps have the answers. It is clear that the founders of this fantastic program understood as few others can. I found that once I decided to really work this program i could truly process the past, acknowledge my anger, resentment, self pity and then let it go and find serenity courage and wisdom to replace it . The Steps 4 through 11 slowly helped me to face the past, see my part, be willing to be set free of the pain and to make amends for my part. I no longer needed to be validated by anyone. I could validate myself and had a network of supporters who could be trusted You are not alone Rosanne There is hope
I have a couple quotes on my desk : "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" - Buddha
and the other one.."Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is a complete idiot" dunno who said that lol
Oh Roseanne - so sorry for the place you are in.....I've been there and truly can't stand it. I don't like any of that any longer, no matter how damaged I was through this disease - I just can't stay 'there'.....My mind is like a snowball on a hill - if I start with one 'negative event or thought', it just rolls and grows and I am or can get back to my mental/emotional state of when I first came to the program.
It is through a great sponsor, the steps of this program and the support of trusted program friends that I can right-size my brain when this happens. It does still - my oldest son dismissed me again a month + ago and it hurt. My patterns before the program were to crawl into a ball and have a huge pity-party, then process through bad anger. A part of me wants to do this as it's a familiar pattern. But, those who know and love me in this program help me realize that behavior and those patterns were very isolating and self-destructive.
(((hugs))) - do some googling on Forgiveness - that's a non-program tool that I've done when I am struggling and want to focus in. You will get through this and we're here for you...
PS - I love Debb's signature line about this as well....find a post and read it. You may even write it down for future reference. I did and I look at it often/always!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Betty--I so want to be able to validate myself and not need that from another person. It's just some of the things that were said by my AH and his family cut me to the core. I believe I am a very sensitive person by nature. At this point I wish I wasn't. I wish it all could just roll off my back. I need to go over steps 4 through 11 again.
Ceewi--I love the two quotes you mention. I need to keep them on my desk as well!
Iamhere--I truly can't stand the place I'm at. It's such a waste of precious time and energy. Life is too short. I need to get out of this place. It haunts me. I'm so sorry about your oldest dismissing you. Raising children and marriage is no walk in the park but it's almost impossible with alcoholism in the way. I am always Googling! That is something I am good at! I have re-read Debb's signature line. I like that and it makes perfect sense. Thank you all for being here!!
Roseanne - you are a bright light here too! Your lovely photo with your smile brightens my day each time I see it. You are so right - life is difficult as it is and then when you throw this disease into the mix - well - it can just be way too much.....I know exactly what you mean - when I 'go there' - I can't stand it either.....you'll get out of it and we'll be here!
One Day at a Time! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Iamhere what a sweet thing to say! You brighten my day as well. Your insight helps so many people here who would be totally lost otherwise. Myself included! I keep reminding myself: This too shall pass.
As well as agreement with what everyone else has shared, I want to suggest that at times when I really have been done wrong and it's so very hard to let go of the resentment without feeling as though they are just 'getting away with it" I have developed the habit of doing 2 things. Firstly, distancing myself from them by placing my own activities/needs ahead of any sort of obligation to play the family game and, secondly, by indulging myself just a little with a treat of some kind, be it a small shopping trip, a massage or a new book, whatever finances or time permit.
It has a secondary effect because it's easier to then put on a happy face around the people I feel slighted by because I have in mind that I have my own little private "arrangement" with myself that they need know nothing about. And on top of that, I have a program and they don't, so ner-ner to them!! (just kidding). But truly it does help to remember that I have a program and they don't thus, I am blessed with all of these tools to dig myself out of dark places, while they are floundering in the dark in many respects and deserve my compassion.
Hugs!!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thanks MissMeliss. I am doing just that--distancing myself as much as possible from toxic people who really couldn't care less what happens to me. I love to pamper myself. In fact I just started back up at the gym and doing my nails again. It's these little things that help me feel better about myself. I make plans with friends to go out to eat or shopping. I cannot sit around and wait while life passes me by.
Rosanne, I found that my needing to be right and to prove it was the main reason I held onto resentment. When I let go of my ego, the need to be right became unimportant. I am not saying that I became a door mat, just that when it comes to the insanity of the alcoholic, it was so clear that trying to be right with a disease did not make sense.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Debb--I keep telling myself it is a disease. I need to keep reminding myself of that every single day. It does make it a little easier to be more compassionate and understanding. Thank you.
