The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ever since yesterday I keep going over and over in my mind abt the relationship. What red flags did I ignore. This guy was a smoothe talker and was attentive to my needs. I think he just figured out how I tick and played me. I have always had trust issues. And this incident has really brought up painful memories and incidents in which my trust was betrayed. It is hard for me to trust and so when I do finally trust and that trust is betrayed I'm left at a loss and my recovery takes a bit of a hit. I've been hitting every meeting in town. I feel like I'm trying to make sense of this illogical situation. And I keep going in circles. All I keep thinking is that I do not understand why people do what they do and I feel like no one can be trusted. It's just feelings I'm having and that's why I have been hitting all the meetings I can find. I'm trying to prove to myself that people can be trusted but that I need to look for the right people to trust. I'm grateful that I have the program without it I would be at a loss. Thanks for letting me share.
I think trust is more about us, trusting ourselves is the goal. Accepting people for the humans they are means we cant expect them to always be trustworthy, that would be unrealistic and is foor us to change our expectations and thought processes around the idea that anyone can be trusted at all times. They cant. We also cant be expected to always know when someone is being untrustworthy. For me, its about me trusting me. I trust me to let go when I have too, let go of disappointment, expectations and hurt feelings in time. I trust me to not take things too personally. Everyone is a complex human being with motives and are driven by way too many things for me to understand, control, avoid etc. So if I can put people bakc where they belong, ie, just being flawed humans then I dont have to understand and I can know that its likely to have very little to do with me anyway, so hurt feelings are mine to deal with and I can choose to to be hurt.
(((TG)) I found that I had to first learn to Trust HP, then bring that "Trust" down from HP to myself and then, because I was turning my will over. I could listen to the" small voice "within and give limited trust to others.
Getting to know anyone is a process so that I would reveal parts of myself, to them slowly. I must admit that" sleeping with them "would take and did take,a year of going for coffee , movies, dinners and intimate chats.
I found that keeping an open mind and the focus on myself , processing each event and not being willing to abandon myself or values ever again- helped.
Keep being gentle with yourself. and remember that we are not mind readers. Talking things over and reasoning things out works in meetings and in relationships.
(((Texas Gal))) - So sorry that your trust and faith has been shaken. It makes sense to me and I believe a part of this is a natural reaction to the events. I am one who has to process in black/white, so when I am hurting or uncomfortable, I write about it (journal or mini step work), talk about it (Sponsor or trusted program friend) and then pray about it.
I have no doubt that my picker was broken and has been for a long, long while. I have been working on that, and see progress as those I choose to hang with appear to be more loyal, trustworthy and like-minded (Positive, Accountable, Kind, etc.) At this point in my life, my newer relationships are friends only as I am still with my AH. But, as I looked back at my relationships, intimate as well as friendships, I was able to see some consistent patterns emerge.
I tended to be the 'savior' for friends, family and boyfriends. I wanted to 'fix' things for them. I was 'attracted' to the most broken person in the room as so long as they needed help, I didn't have to look at/fix me. I always thought I was being helpful, kind, etc. I now know that I wanted to elevate myself above others by being smarter, kinder, more helpful, etc. so that I felt better about myself and my situation.
The program has truly taught me the meaning of 'actions speak louder than words'. I've heard it a million times, and I now use it as another Al-Anon tool. If someone is talking a good talk, but not walking the walk, I choose to be guarded today as I no longer want to put myself into situations where I care more about their/the future than they do.
I agree - be gentle with yourself and know that this too shall pass. You are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Texas Gal ... (((Great big hug)))))...it is a completely normal reaction to feel shaken after being led down a path you don't want to go down. I think you did a great job "trusting yourself". You said "no". I have found the more I trust myself ... Trustworthy people do appear. It will hurt now but your recent experience will move you towards people that mirror your values.
My sponsor used to say: "Your picker is broken," in regards to how we Al-Anoners sometimes trust too quickly and too much. I have had to learn to listen to my gut more often and to take things very slowly when exploring a new situation/relationship.
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Wednesday 18th of November 2015 04:45:07 PM
My sponsor used to say: "Your picker is broken," in regards to how we Al-Anoners sometimes trust to quickly and too much. I have had to learn to listen to my gut more often and to take things very slowly when exploring a new situation/relationship.
I'm sitting here giggling as I read this..that's me 100% I swear if there were 1000 sober men in a room I'd pick the addict. At least now I don't ask them to move in with me and try to "fix it"
Green Eyes - that's a great one and a lovely reminder for us all!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
