The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to Al Anon. It was recommended to me by my mother who is an alcoholic sober for 16 years now. I have been going though a very hard time this past year and a half. I left my now ex husband last March and meet my now boyfriend about a month after. We have been together almost everyday since. We moved in together right away. My boyfriend is a very wonderful loving person with some really deep issues like most of us. From the begging of our relationship he has been very open with me about a very serous issue in his life. His addiction to crack. I cant say that even if I had been in Al Anon at the time we met I would of backed off as we've had a very strong connection from the start. The first time I came face to face with this issue was about a year ago. We had come home from a party and he tried to cook some cocaine he had and turn it into crack right in front of me. I cried and begged him to stop and all he kept saying way I have to just this one time. I knew there was nothing I could do. He smoked it and nothing happened as I'm sure he did not do it right. The next day he told me that I did not have to worry about this again. Since then he lost his aunt, step mom and went to jail for selling drugs but as far as I know has not been on crack till this past week. He took off one night to see a friend and did not come home for 4 days. During that time he would text me once a day say he loves me,he just needs time to himself and he would be home that night. he never showed up. After the first 2 days of him being gone I stopped responding to his text. Saturday night I got a text saying he had been on a steady crack binge and his drug dealer had beat him up and he was outside our house in his car could I please come help him calm down. I came outside to see him a mess screaming and punching his searing wheel, beside himself with anger. I have never seen him like this before. This lasted about 4 hours he almost got in a fight with our roommates and shook up the whole house. Our roommates are still very upset. Its been 2 days and he seems to finally be getting back to himself but is very depressed. I should add the deprecation is not a new thing. He seems to come in and out of that even when hes not using. Anyways I am having a very hard time coming up with the guts to set my boundaries and really even talk to him about everything. When hes in a low its almost impossible to talk with him. I have told him that I know I cant stop him from doing what hes doing and that I need to focus on me. But that I love him very much and that if he would like my help in getting him help I am here for him. He said he does not want to go to AA or NA as hes afraid to be around more addicts and get sucked back in. I suggested drug therapy but he seemed not interested. I know that's about as far as I can go at this point I need to figure out what I need to do to keep my self healthy. I go to meetings 3 times a week if not more and it does help. But I cant help but feeling I'm doing myself wrong. I am still very much in love with him. So I guess after all that my question is. If I show him love and affection after all that am I betraying myself and am I enabling him. I hope to have the courage to lay it all on the line at some point but I'm not sure when that will be.
I just went through a similar experience with a boyfriend (now ex less than a month cause he ran off with another recovering addict when he was only 2 months clean) that I knew had addiction issues and relapsed bad when our relationship got tough. I never actually saw him using, and only saw him under the influence once when he asked me for help. Sadly he cycled through it for the past 11 months and added smoking heroin to it just so he could come down when he got too high on the crack. During that time he manipulated, lied, cheated, and did so many more things. I probably don't even know them all and now have to really try not to wonder because it is making me sick too.
I am going to my very first Al-Anon face-to-face meeting tomorrow. I am terrified but I also don't recognize who I am anymore after being around the sickness that made me sick too. Yes I had a parent that was also an alcoholic that I never dealt with but this situation has made me much sicker. Somehow in life I got lost after my husband and I separated...right now I'm worrying about me so I can be better and hopefully make healthier choices for me. Going through a seperation and into the arms of an addict was crazy for me and I need to learn why I made that choice. I am thinking I was scared, lonely, sad...time to learn about me :)
Keep coming back here!
-- Edited by OceanTide on Tuesday 17th of November 2015 07:47:54 PM
I'm so sorry I would not wish this pain on anyone. I can say though that going to meetings has made me much stronger. Before Al Anon I would of just been doing whatever I could to chase him down and when he got home left it alone. I have only been going to meetings a month and I got the courage to not answer his text and separate myself from this situation and also the knowledge to know something needs to change. Even though I'm not clear on what that is I'll keep looking for the answer. I would never of had that if not for the meetings.
ItsAllAboutMeMC - Welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and glad you found the courage to share your truth.
It sounds like you might be progressing in your program where you want/need to set up some boundaries. For me, when I am uncomfortable about something or someone, I need to do some processing. A sponsor is of great value for this as she can help you understand what's changed, and how best to manage that change.
Keep going to the meetings and study any/all literature you can. I believe that you will find your next right thing(s) to do as you grow stronger and work the program.
Glad to hear that you've already starting meetings. Only you can determine what works for your life as you regain sanity and self-respect. Only you can decide how your relationship can/should look. There is nothing wrong with loving an alcoholic/addict, it's just a very difficult place to be when the disease is active and in control.
Keep coming back - if you look to the top left, you will see that there are meetings here twice a day....they are great to help continue with your program work - there's a link to join the chat/meeting room. Just type in a nickname where the form has mib..... and hit enter and you've arrived!
You're not alone and we're glad you are here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Boy does this take me back to where I can hear all the noises and feel all the pain and fear. Gratefully I can also remember all of the help and lessons I was given to work on and with and the consequences. I use to do that weepy whiney "But I love her" speech over and over until the fellowship told me "listen to your story as if you were one of us and see how it sounds to you". It sounded very very sick. I remember being told "you're using" and I objected with "I don't do drugs"!! to which they responded, "You're using your addict alcoholic...she is you're drug" and after thought and concentration and more help from them I realized they were correct and I stopped using almost cold turkey. Our disease isn't much more different than theirs just harder to understand because I thought with me she stood a chance. Actually with me she stood a better chance of dying from the disease and almost did. God and Al-Anon kept that from happening and for that I'm soooo grateful. ((((hugs))))
I have not found a sponsor yet but am still looking. I want to make sure its the right person for me. I do have a nice support group of girls that have been helping me a lot but none of them are at the point of sponsorship yet. I also have great support from my mother who I tell everything. I know I will find the right sponsor when I meet her. I just hope its soon.
Anytime - you can certainly find a temporary sponsor until you find the right one and also do what you doing - rely on friends who are trusted. Keep doing what you are doing and the answers will come!!
Keep coming back - we're just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
