The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need to boost up my confidence today! I need to gear up to go home from work and not allow it to be a battle zone...AGAIN.
-I will forgive myself for reacting last night, I let my frustrations boil over and I lost control. I said mean things, I yelled, etc. I haven't done that in a long long time. While to many people (including myself) my reaction would be seen as understandable, It is not desirable and I want to go back to the peace I was able to achieve before.
-I accept that my AH is sick. His illness.
-I don't care if he drinks or doesn't drink. His choice.
-I don't care if stumbles around slurring. His consequences.
-I will "disconnect" my buttons, so they cannot be pushed. They are my buttons, you can't touch them unless I let you! :)
Great job Coopsmom - I love how you are recommitting to your peace!!
Keep it up - it looks good on you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
What a GREAT TEACHING post!! I just love it because it was offerings like this in early and present program that gave me freedom. Mahalo Nui (thanks a lot) CoopsMom my MIP Family sister...my spiritual, mental and emotional energy just went thru the roof. (((((hugs)))))
I agree with Mike below, -I will "disconnect" my buttons, so they cannot be pushed. They are my buttons, you can't touch them unless I let you! :) and with your blessings will take this to my home group tomorrow night and share it....priceless.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 17th of November 2015 01:06:20 PM
Thank you CoopsMom! I love how you accept that you're human and will make mistakes(react). I used to beat myself up for not being perfect. We all reach a limit at times and react. With The Program we strive to do better over time. React less and less. Progress, not perfection.
This is great!
-I will "disconnect" my buttons, so they cannot be pushed. They are my buttons, you can't touch them unless I let you! :)
Of course Jerry, go for it! I actually first "heard" that concept here on MIP. I can't remember now who shared it, but it was a visual that their sponsor (I believe) had come up with, about picturing the wires on the back of the "buttons" being disconnected. Forgive me if I am not remembering it exactly...but I definitely was affected by it and have adapted it for my own life, which I believe is the amazing outcome of sharing in a place like this.
Thanks CoopsMom for you honest post. I had another opportunity to practice the principles I have learned and use the tools I have gained from Al-Anon last night, and who knows if I will have another opportunity tonight. I felt my serenity and my sanity starting to pale and I reminded myself that this was "not my monkeys, not my circus". My AH did ask why I wouldn't look at him, which made me feel bad. I realized that in my attempts to hold my ground sanity wise, I had not even allowed myself to look at him. More opportunities to practice and learn and grow I say!!
Thanks for the mental picture of the disconnected buttons. I like that one. I can use that one!
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
I need to boost up my confidence today! I need to gear up to go home from work and not allow it to be a battle zone...AGAIN.
-I will forgive myself for reacting last night, I let my frustrations boil over and I lost control. I said mean things, I yelled, etc. I haven't done that in a long long time. While to many people (including myself) my reaction would be seen as understandable, It is not desirable and I want to go back to the peace I was able to achieve before.
-I accept that my AH is sick. His illness.
-I don't care if he drinks or doesn't drink. His choice.
-I don't care if stumbles around slurring. His consequences.
-I will "disconnect" my buttons, so they cannot be pushed. They are my buttons, you can't touch them unless I let you! :)
Some times it really helps to write it all down.
Thank you..I'm just getting back in the swing of things again and needed to hear this
I love that, fake it till you make it. Its like behaving the way you want to whilst not feeling it completely and i think that still helps. For me the feelings and understanding came next and then it was no longer faked. We are only human and living with an alcoholic is too much for most as it says in our preamble. Its okay to be human and react as long as you can forgive yourself and move on. It could be that this is a sign you need to set boundaries around what you can tolerate and what you cant. A drunk alcoholic can behave badly and we must not put up with bad behaviour. Its wrong and its enabling. So, if hes staggering around, can you have a plan b in place. Can you go somewhere else? or can he? I wont be around that behaviour anymore, it makes me sick. I get obsessive, fear rises within me and I find it very difficult to be rational so my boundary for myself is that I wont deal with it. Its just a fundamental rule that I wont have drunk people in my home. Its done enough damage and its not allowed in. If it smeaks in through the back door without me noticing then I need to respond approopriately for my life. That could be having the person removed by the police. Sounds extreme but I wont put up with bad drunken behaviour. Its against my human rights and its my responsibility to respect myself and my life enough to stand up for me.
I wish I was as strong as you El-cee! I wish I could say 'no drunk people in my house'. I wish I could stand up for myself like that, so black and white, so matter of fact. Its sounds powerful and freeing. Maybe some day.
Unfortunately AH is drunk every day. He is always home when I get home with my son and always in the same state. My AH no longer picks our son up from daycare because he couldn't stay sober after work long enough to pick him up and/or care for him appropriately. So one boundary I did set a while ago, was that he was not allowed to go to the daycare if he'd been drinking. He decided to choose the freedom to drink rather than the extra time with his son, which is the opposite of what I would choose, but we are different people!
Right now the only way I could be completely away from drunk behavior would be to move out of the house. I have looked at apartments when things get tough so I know what my options are, but so far, I have been focusing more on detaching and staying in my home....not sure if I will be able to do it successfully, or uphold the peace forever but for now I am looking one day at a time.
It took me a while to get to this though. I had to go to meetings every week, read the literature every day, work the steps. Its not some personality trait, its learned. I learned it from alanon.
You have set a good boundary for your son and you, so youve got what you need.
You talk about him choosing to drink rather than spend time with his son. I used to see the world this way too but there is another way to look at it that frees you from feeling like you and your son are vicitms and hopeless in this.
Learning about alcoholism as a disease will give you some understanidng of what going on with both you and him. I learned it was never a choice. He never chose alcoholism over me. I stopped feeling rejected over and over again. It was a relief to find out the disease is powerful and its not about me or our family, never was. Active alcoholics are not emotionally available and while we try to view them as people with 'normal' emotions and brain functions and choices then were hitting our head off a brick wall. Your not dealing with the set of criteria here that non alcoholic homes are. Your expectations of him, your relationship, your family are often based on the ideals we have or what we think others are living with, all within some 'normal' range. Im not sure im making myself very clear but I hope you get to meetings, it gets better from the very minute you get the help you need.
Thank you, I understand what you're saying and I hope to someday be able accept the nature of the disease fully. You're exactly right that I still feel rejected and hurt. That is where my negative reactions come from.
I have a hard time separating the man from the disease most days. The disease is wearing a husband suit!
I like that you listed forgiving yourself first. So important, we all have those times when we get overwhelmed for whatever reason, and the being gentle with ourselves is so important to be able to move on to the rest of it.
Great post: I love the buttons share also and use it a lot...I first heard it on youtube by a Al Anon speaker. I also use I fake it till I make it but people tend to question that...not sure why...i feel better when I do ..lol......thanks for the post coopsmom
Oh my gosh, can I ever relate to you! This morning I lost it with my AH and my Mom concerning Thanksgiving. Your post helped me so much. I need to control my buttons also.i feel so ridiculous.
