The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Now. He is on the bed, snoring and muttering to himself.
I woke up in love and in his arms, talking about the future names of our children.
We made plans to go to the market to buy ingredients to make cioppino. I kissed him goodbye, told him to take it easy, please.
Knocked on the door at 3 o'clock PM. Drunk.
My heart sank.
And it's like that song, "I'm a Fool to Want You."
He was talking to his brother on the phone. They talked about their mom, who passed away when they were young.
His brother was a drinker, but he was able to give it up years ago.
He says that he doesn't have a problem. He says that he is not drunk.
Why do they say these things while wobbly, eyes shaking?
He is my man, until he drinks. He thinks he can be Bukowski.
He tells me that he is not a kid, when I tell him to admit that he has a problem.
It's pointless to argue when they are drunk. Pointless.
I told him that I was not going to the market, that he was drunk and that I was not going to go out in public with him. No way.
"Come on, lets go to the market."
"No. I'm not going."
And then I did. I put on my cap to hide from stares and drops of rain. My face was previously red and blotchy from crying in front of the bathroom mirror. I guess it was fairly dramatic the way I looked at myself.
The situations that I have endured. Truly, I know that I am interested in the human condition. I am intrigued and maybe need a bit of misguided life to stir up my senses to have something to remember when I get old.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not meant to lead a normal life. Does he know the escapism that he pursues- I know the escapism that I pursue through him.
I do, I feel helpless...maybe? But then I'm strong and independent. I am good, I am rare, I can get him to change.
But one of my biggest fears, he'll choose booze over me.
I know, I know...I have grown a lot through this experience, and that is something to keep. I have been humbled. But i'm not sure that I'm ready to leave. I still have hope.
-- Edited by EbbAndFlow on Monday 16th of November 2015 10:44:49 PM
-- Edited by EbbAndFlow on Monday 16th of November 2015 10:48:39 PM
That is a nice and very sad share Ebb and Flow very telling and very sure and when you get to the word humbled I heard what I have learned in recovery that Humility is being teachable. What have you learned lately? How are you going to act it out? I'm sending prayers so that you know you are not alone. (((hugs)))
The human condition yes. Do you know ebb and flow, the joy of human creation? Not babies, but projects. Making stuff happen. Me too, ive dived into the human condition and now I really miss human success. We named our future babies and then we had them, and now the taste of human success is years away, though definitely cooking. Going to the market alone, I took that for granted. I'm sorry you got disappointed, and hope you know you're probably a quick study. Add a few more fun lessons too? Hugs love, take care of you.
I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. It is here that I learned how to truly appreciate the human condition as I kept the focus on myself and my own best interest.
Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic disease that can be arrested but never cured. Denial,manipulation and insanity are the hallmarks of the disease and we who have shared our lives with an alcoholic need a program of recovery of our own. We did not cause the disease, cannot control it and cannot cure it . Alcoholism is consideres a family disease as we develop many negative coping tools as we interact with the disease.
Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages
Good Luck
Hello and welcome, and thank you for sharing that. You are a lovely writer and you should continue that.
I have been, and am, where you are now. Wanting to make plans and then alcohol getting in the way. It is so very frustrating and excruciating and depressing and anxiety-inducing and everything else that it is.
I felt like I needed to control that, that I could control that, that if I only said or did the right things then it wouldn't happen. In fact, my spouse told me the very same things -- and still does.
The difference Al-Anon has made has been pretty profound. I used to get sucked into arguments -- JADE I believe is the acronym for it. And I still do. The difference is that I no longer need to win, or need to make sure my point is made over and over again. That is a boundary that I have set now. It might not be much, but it's a boundary I previously didn't have. I can make my point, and then let them know that I know that I cannot control them, and then walk away.
Now in Al-Anon they don't give advice per se (see, that's part of the "giving up control" thing), but I wanted you to know that your story resonates with a lot of people. I think that's important because one of the greatest gifts I was given when I went to my first meeting was that I was not ALONE.
You are not alone. Keep coming back.
__________________
"When people show you who they are, believe them." ~Maya Angelou
You've made some beautiful poetry, thank you for sharing it with us.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this though, it is a ghastly conflict isn't it?
I still fall into the trap of thinking that I can change other people and that they will appreciate me for trying. I thought that by being strong (in my mind I was like a sliver birch tree bending with the stormy winds) I would be appreciated but in reality I just soaked up the hurt and twisted my emotions.
It is great that you have doubts about your helplessness because I truly believe that we are not helpless at all and I can see some good awareness surfacing through your words. I hear a voice that says 'I matter' and perhaps the author of that voice is asking for some loving care and attention as well? Alanon has gently helped me to learn how to give myself the care and attention I needed when other people in my life were sadly taking too much and had nothing left to give.
Sending (((((hugs))))) and a huge welcome to MIP. Your writing really touched me.
I too welcome you to MIP E&F and thank you for sharing your experiences with the alcoholic in your life. As Betty has suggested, joining an Al-Anon group would be the best action you could take for yourself. http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting In Al-Anon you will learn how to cope and understand the disease and regain your sanity and peace. We have two meetings a day on this board and you can also work the 12-step program here as well. Reading the Al-Anon literature and learning the prayers and slogans were a life saver for me. You are not alone, please keep coming back to talk with us.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
EbbAndFlow - I too welcome you to MIP. So glad you found us and found your courage to share.
Sorry for your pain - this disease is progressive, painful and powerful. Your feelings are not unique - we've all had them. Your pain is real and we've all felt it. I agree with those above me - choose recovery. Choose you. Love you. Learn about this disease and then process what you want/need for your life.
Nobody but you knows your breaking point. I wish I had found Al-Anon sooner, but I had to go through what I went through to get to where I am today.
Know that you are not alone and we're just a post away!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome, it is great to have you. I have found that I invite him to do things and if he choses not to or just wants to sit around watching tv and drink then I go do it by myself or with my kids. I do not wait for him and I have learned that just because he doesn't want to or is in "no shape" to I am still going to go enjoy my, our, plans.
Keep coming back you are not alone and everyone here is wonderful.
