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I am a bundle of nerves right now. Since I moved out on July 8, due to my AH's lying, hiding, and pattern of saying unkind and cruel things to me in front of our children, I have been renting a little cottage a couple miles from our house. He "does not like" the situation, and keeps telling me I should move home. Our boys do not like my place; they say there is nothing to do. Unfortunately, there is no ventilation, and as the weather has gotten colder (snowing today), the smell of mildew is prevalent, and mold is starting to grow. There is a lot more to it, but basically I do not feel at ease in this living situation, and the mold/mildew is only going to get worse. My AH and I have been wanting to buy investment real estate, and somehow miraculously we have been on the same page, where we found a nice home in town that we can buy as an investment - it's a good deal. It will also solve my immediate problem because I can move there as soon as we close (in one week). It is bigger, and I think our kids will like it more. I feel tremendously fortunate that we have the resources to buy another home. I have hung in there with this marriage, hardly feeling married, but still sharing all money, resources and bills. I figure that if we do get divorced, we will own two homes at least. In the meantime, the volatile relations between my AH and I have calmed down quite a bit, thank goodness. However, he still persists in saying and texting mean things. I have established this boundary many times, that texting is only to be used for logistical purposes, it plans for/with the kids, etc. But he persists in texting crazy accusations or anything his grasping mind seizes on. I know he is still drinking, at least here and there, but he doesn't admit it, and he's starting to resist AA again. "I don't enjoy it." says he.
Anyhow, he knows this purchase needs his agreement to go forward. Today is the last day we can get out of the deal, if we have issues with the house and can't agree with the seller on how to handle it. AH is unhappy that I will be moving in the house, instead of us renting it out and immdiately making some income, we instead have the cost of 2 households. He keeps saying he will only do this if I am committed to still working on our marriage. He goes back and forth between saying this is a business decisions, and this is a heart decisoin, but this is definitely not about my need to get out of a moldy house - that was my mistake and problem since I should not have moved out of our house. Says he. The craziness is making me feel even crazier. So he just texted me that "This is about our family. And heart, commitment, and love. " and so on... And I think about what I have put up with, and the fact I have moved out but am trying to heal, going to Al-Anon, going to counseling, and he is the one who keeps sabotaging with his accusations and mean words. I know I just have to agree again, but geez!!! he is making it sound like I am the one that is in the wrong...he keeps telling me how affected our kids are by what I did (moving out), ignoring what he did (bad drunken behavior). ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Somehow I just need to pull myself together and respond to him that yes, I am still committed to our marriage and family, like I am the home and marriage wrecker.
I feel like crawling under my desk (I'm at work) and bawling myself to sleep. Lucky as I am, the thought of moving back in with him sounds horrible and unbearable, and the thought of permanently moving to my own place, lucky as I am to have this option, sounds horrible and unbearable too.
Thank you for letting me express these very difficult feelings before I respond to him.
I'm afraid that like all alcoholics, blame and manipulation are part of the package with your A. In buying this new place, you are signing up to remain dependent on him for your living space, and that will mean dealing with the blame and manipulation as often as he wants to lob them at you. I found that it was much more peaceful to keep my basic living situation free of any interference from my A. Because interference is how they operate. You can see it happening right at this juncture. He wants control and he is manipulating the situation to try and get it.
I don't know what your options are. Your current place sounds undesirable. I gather that you are somewhat separated but not divorced so I imagine he is not obligated to pay you any child support (which means he isn't paying any child support). That is a challenge. His behavior would not be encouraging me to believe that maintaining the marriage as he wants will lead to harmony and happiness. I am hoping some third option will present itself to you. Whatever happens, I hope you have a meeting and ongoing support. No one should have to deal with this craziness without support. Hang in there.
Thanks for your responses last week. My AH did back down.
We have a somewhat odd situation. We are not legally separated. I moved out, and really would like to be going forward like we are separated, while we each try to do our own work of healing. But we are so enmeshed - most of it is due to trying to meet the kids' needs, etc.
Since he wants to just be together - wants me to move home, etc, - and neither of us earn much $$ - I determined that it is best, for now, to keep operating as a household, financially. So we share all bills and income. I pay all our bills and make most of the purchases - it is weird to me how uninvolved he is. Anyhow, I do realize there are some downsides of being joint owners of this home. I will have to have some strong boundaries, and I am not yet sure what that will look like.
However, it is better for me that we purchase it together. Not sure i'd have the income or assets to buy a house on my own, if we separated/divorced. I did speak with an attorney about my various choices a few months ago, though I have not talked to her about the specifics now. She pointed out it would be much easier to buy a house if we were still together.
If things do not get better, and we do separate/divorce, I do worry a bit about how that will all fall out. But I can't go there right now.
After I posted last Monday, he backed down, to the point of not even being involved, reading through the contract etc.
Then a few days later he demanded to know what the odds were of me moving home (and renting out this house I am going to live in, for income). I said I had no idea, and he kept demanding/pushing for me to give him some odds. I told him much of it depended on his choices and behavior, but he still kept pushing. Finally I realized he is just scared to make this investment. When I said for the umpteenth time that I could not honestly answer that question, he said "Well, I am in 100%. So even if you are 0% committed to becoming a family again, that is an average of 50% so that's good enough for me." With that determination made, he felt he could go forward. It was strange to watch this unfold. I could see how he was trying to control me/events with this question, but I really could not make up some random answer, even with the fate of this house purchase hanging on it.
I move tomorrow. I haven't yet figured out how I will get out of my current lease, in this mildewy smelling home, but I am going to write a nice letter to my landlord right now.
I am not sure how I am going to move - I don't want my AH helping me. I need to find some guys to carry the strong stuff. Hoping things will unfold as needed, one step at a time, since I am not able to plan ahead very well due to the nature of these circumstances.
