The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is an active alcoholic. He has tried to get help numerous times but always continues to fall off the wagon. When he is drunk (which is always) he is extremely mean to me and goes online and talks sexually to other women. This is a pattern with him and every time he apologizes and I take him back. He always will pick out my flaws and says the reason he does what he does is because of me. I am 25 weeks pregnant and am at a cross road. Do I try and stay and hope for the best or should I leave. I do not want my child growing up seeing this because I do not want her to think this is acceptable behavior. I guess I was just looking for some advice or input on my situation. I'm just really confused right now.
Hello Cspwil Welcome , I am sorry that you are enduring such treatment especially at his most precious time of your life. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured. You did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it.
The nature of the disease is to deny reality and blame others for the problem . Alanon is a wonderful recovery progam for family members who have lived with the insanity of this disease. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and i urge you to check the telephone directory to locate the meeting locations
Keep coming back here as well. There is hope.
Welcome to MIP Cspwil. We cannot give you advice as to what you should or should not do. What we can tell you is that your AH is exhibiting the typical alcoholic behavior that most do and the best thing you can do for yourself, like we have all done, is to join a local Al-Anon face to face meeting and do as much reading of the Al-Anon literature as you can. We do hold meetings and the 12-step work here on this board, but face to face meetings will give you the support that you need to wade out of the insanity that the alcoholic creates. http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting. Please keep coming back because you are not alone!!
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
cspwil - Welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you shared.
I too believe that Al-Anon would be helpful for you. Not only will it help you relate with others who have similar experiences, it will teach you about the disease so you can work on yourself and what will work best for you.
The program helps us understand the disease, and then helps us set boundaries that will protect us and allow us to work on ourselves. This disease is a family disease and will suck into anybody willing to allow it to do so. It's cunning, baffling, powerful, progressive and fatal if not treated.
We learn how to find joy, peace and happiness in our lives no matter what another is doing/not doing. It's not easy and it requires effort, but it's worth it. Not only do we learn boundaries, we learn how to detach and allow others to live their lives as they choose to do so.
F2F (Face to Face) meetings are in most communities, and we have 2 meetings daily if you want to 'test-drive' what meetings are like. So glad you're here and so sorry for what brings you here.
Keep coming back - we're just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hello Cspwil, Welcome to MIP. I'm so pleased that you are reaching out.
You've already had the best advice - when I first went to an Alanon meeting I was struck by the unconditional acceptance and understanding that I received from others and also by their positivity - I wanted to feel that way again!
You have described some horrible abusive behaviour and I completely understand your reasoning at this time. I remember when I let my husband blame me for his behaviour I believed him - for a while! I thought that there really must be something wrong with me - however reading the posts here helped me to understand that the behaviour was not about me at all, even the words that I heard my husband saying exactly matched the wording that others here were describing. Seeing that really helped me to get a clearer perspective. I also learnt that I could not change his behaviour but I could change mine and when I did things slowly started to get better. I came to know that I did not deserve the treatment that I was receiving in my marriage and I do not believe that I was doing anyone (including my husband) any favours by trying to put up with it. (BTW I'm still living with my husband, although I had to leave for a while in order to protect and define the boundaries of what I found acceptable to live with).
Take good care of yourself and trust you intuition. I really hope that you will stick around - I remember feeling as you do and the people here are truly special and talking/typing these things out really can make a difference!
thank you everyone for your posts. I am going to start going to al anon because I do believe it will help me. I guess I was just struggling because I am having trouble setting up my boundaries. Does anyone have any advice on boundary setting? I think that's my main area I am struggling with at the moment. I don't know how to set boundaries and not be manipulated to make myself feel like I am doing harm or running away from my marriage
((CSP)) The first thing I needed to accept about boundaries was that I could not impose them others because I was powerless over them. Boundaries were for me and they outlined my bottom line and my actions if the boundary was crossed. For example:" if you yell at me I will leave the room. Then I do just that. Ido not engage ,argue or defend myself, I just walk away. Alanon taught me to keep the focus on myself, my actions my thoughts, my feelings and to take care of my serenity first. When I learned to do this I stopped reacting to everything the alcoholic did and was able to respond in a healthy manner.
Meetings, slogans sharing will all help you to find your voice and yourself once again. Trust the process.
Like Betty, the most important boundary for me was not getting sucked into arguments with the alcoholic. Just leave the room or even the house for a short period of time. Another words, send a very large message that verbal abuse will not be tolerated and leaving quickly diffuses the chaos that an alcoholic thrives on.
JADE = You do not need to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain ...
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I had two boundaries to keep....one for my alcoholic/addict wife and one for myself. I couldn't control her and I could control myself which is what my program was and is still about. The program is for me to change my thoughts, feelings and behaviors and that is the main task. I have a sponsor and tons of literature and meetings and the fellowship and my majestic Higher Power to keep me in recovery...peace of mind and serenity. Come on in and check it out cause it is marvelous!! (((((hugs)))))
Yes, I struggle with boundaries too - in fact I didn't even know that I had or needed them for the majority of my life!!
My attempts at boundary setting used to be focused on my husband - 'stop drinking so much' or 'don't see that woman' type of thing. Didn't work, however much I tried to reason with him!!!
Then my focus shifted to me and my boundary was 'I can not be at peace in myself in this situation, so what do I need to do, for me, to restore and maintain my peace of mind and self respect?'.
It wasn't easy for me. I like to be a giving person, but it gradually became fun and quite empowering because my boundary regarding abusive behaviour was 'I will gift myself something that I enjoy in equal and opposite measure' to counteract any hurtful behaviour that my husband cared to dish out. So rather strangely the nastier my husband tried to be the more fun I was having - I remember once smiling to myself while he was ranting because I was about to give myself a holiday on the back of what he was saying! Needless to say he eventually stopped being so nasty. My next lesson in this regard is to learn how to gift myself these nice experiences regardless of any one else's behaviour!!
My first small attempt at boundary setting was to make my choices my own - if AH asked/told me to do something I only did it if I felt comfortable with it being my own choice as well. I did not worry about what his reaction would be if I said 'no'. The important thing for me was how I felt about saying 'yes'. Gosh, I felt guilty about that initially, but actually it turned out to be a pretty fair system.
My second boundary was 'preserving my self-respect is my number one priority.'
Neither of the above were mentioned to my husband, they were just guidelines for myself.
Then I came to accept my husband's choices about what he was doing, that they were his choices and in some way he was meeting his own needs. So where did that leave me? Well his choices at the time were a long way from meeting my needs and up to that point I had not done much about meeting my own needs either. As you can imagine, trying to tolerate what was going on was damaging me and my view of the world so one day I finally owned my own feelings on the matter and said 'I'm really truly sorry, but I can not carry on living with you while you are drinking and turning to another woman'. I left it at that. And I left. (That was tough and difficult for me but with hindsight it has become something that I am proud of - I felt that I was being honest and had my integrity back at that point.)
This is just my story and what is important is that you choose what feels comfortable and right for you me-thinks! Great to see that you are going to an alanon meeting and taking care of you and your little girl.
When I think about boundaries, I consider it self-preservation or self-protection. Not so much in the physical sense, but the emotional sense. I was taught by my sponsor that if my boundary includes and attempt to control, change, manipulate or punish another, it's not a true boundary. So, like Betty, mine are about what I can do/control/etc. My first and easiest to use was with my Sons - if they curse at me on the phone, I say, Good-bye and hang up. I didn't have good-bye in there at first, I would just drop the call but they were freaking out that I kept hanging up on them, without saying Good-bye....so I added the good-bye after feedback from them.
It's taken a long while, but they now realize the easiest way to get me off the phone is to cuss at me. Such a simple thing, yet in my world, it took a formal boundary to preserve my emotional serenity...
Keep coming back - it get's easier over time as you grow and determine what makes you tick!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
When I think about boundaries, I consider it self-preservation or self-protection. Not so much in the physical sense, but the emotional sense. I was taught by my sponsor that if my boundary includes and attempt to control, change, manipulate or punish another, it's not a true boundary. So, like Betty, mine are about what I can do/control/etc. My first and easiest to use was with my Sons - if they curse at me on the phone, I say, Good-bye and hang up. I didn't have good-bye in there at first, I would just drop the call but they were freaking out that I kept hanging up on them, without saying Good-bye....so I added the good-bye after feedback from them.
It's taken a long while, but they now realize the easiest way to get me off the phone is to cuss at me. Such a simple thing, yet in my world, it took a formal boundary to preserve my emotional serenity...
Keep coming back - it get's easier over time as you grow and determine what makes you tick!!
Really like what you said about checking your motivations for the boundaries you set ... boundaries, at least in my case, are often thinly veiled attempts to control someone ... weather it be an alcoholic, one of my kids, or co-workers or employees. I really struggle at gracefully setting boundaries, and when it turns out messy, its almost always the case that if I take the time to examine my motives I will discover it was rooted in was noted above ... either to control, change, or punish someone whose behavior I didn't like.
We just had this as a topic at one of my F2F meetings recently. It generated a very robust discussion, and it was clear from other's sharing, that setting effective and appropriate boundaries ... and then being willing to stand behind them once set ... was a challenge for many in the program, both new and experienced alike.
