The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday, I had a long talk with my ABF. He relapsed Tuesday night, called me, and berated me for everything he could thing of. After getting in some OT at work yesterday, I headed over to his house. When I saw that he was sober, I decided to talk. I let loose with all that had been on my mind since that Tuesday phone call. I let all of this go, sometimes with tears, never out of anger. He sat and listened and took it all in. He told me that he noticed I had taken everything out of his house, most of which I had done last Thursday before he left to go on a vacation with his dad. He told me that he wanted me in his life, but that he didn't have everything figured out yet. I told him that no one ever does. He always says that he wants to be able to provide for me, I told him that he does... he provides me with a safe place to sleep when I am working double shifts (my house is over an hour from work), he makes dinner for me so that I can have a healthy and hot dinner. He wants to be able to have a job so that he can buy me things, I told him I don't need things... I need love... I need affection...
I told him that I would give him the space he wants, but I won't wait forever. I handed over my key to his house, and walked away. My heart is breaking, but don't feel like I have any closure.
I think the idea of closure means we'll have sadness without very much pain. I haven't found this ever to happen right at the ending of the relationship, myself. I wonder if it is just a fiction. In my experience, it takes time and distance and reflection to get to that space.
It sounds like he is saying "I'm not up to a real relationship, I don't have the capacity right now (if ever)." I remember arguing with people that they did have the capacity. But of course that would mean they'd have to change their behavior to be capable. I think we Al-Anoners are typically experts in seeing the potential in people rather than the current state. I would read into people what I wanted to see. I knew it was in there somewhere. Sadly I don't think it ever came out, in even one instance.
It does hurt like h*ll. Be very gentle with yourself. There are so many good things coming. I know it is hard to believe that when one door shuts, another door opens. But you are taking care of yourself by moving away from this man who has theoretical potential but actually is too unrecovered right now to have anything to give. Keep on taking good care of yourself.
To me, closure would be having a definite status to the relationship. I feel in limbo... half waiting for him to come back to me... half looking forward to life without him... I can't focus on any one thing... I find myself sitting here wondering if he is thinking about me too, is he hurting like I am, is he drinking because I left???
So sorry for the current state of affairs. You are grieving that which you wanted and perhaps even thought you had with him. I believe it's very normal to be sad and grieve when a relationship changes, especially if there is no defined status for the relationship.
If you work on your program and on you, I believe the answers you seek are there. As an outsider looking in, I'd say it's over in his mind. For whatever reason - disease, relapse, booze, etc. he doesn't have what is necessary to be what is needed at this time. Live your life, choose you. Put you first and let God take care of the rest. Wondering what he is or is not doing will just keep you down, and that's not the best approach to finding joy and serenity.
Allow yourself a set time - 10 minutes per day or 15 or whatever to look at the relationship and what was working and what was not working. Then, make a goal to spend the rest of the day doing for you and your happiness.
(((Hugs))) - you are not alone - we're all here for you. If you feel there wasn't closure, create your own. It's well within your rights to choose you - even if it's just for today!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I hope you are attending face to face meetings .. something to help you find your own closure. Sometimes the closure is kind of like not getting the apology I deserve and accepting I will probably never hear the words. The limbo issue I put on myself because there was that one part of me that kept hoping (even if it was delusional on my part) that my XAH would love me enough to choose me over the alcohol. If he loved me back I wasn't "broken" although I hate using that term because I wasn't loveable enough. Currently I'm still in limbo not for wanting him back however waiting for the dang divorce to be completely over said and done. I think we are finally coming to that point where it will be done and I can finally close that chapter of my life. In the mean time I have been trying to move forward in spite of said limbo.
I learned though to find my own closure without needing someone else to define that part of the relationship .. now .. if it happens that's fantastic .. however if it doesn't I still can move forward without dragging the past behind me. I'm almost there .. not quite. The journey there though is different for everyone.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hugs medic. When I feel trapped and "in limbo" waiting for someone such as my ABF to decide 'our" future it helps so much to remember to be in the now. Meditation etc might be helpful in those moments? It is for me.
I had to literally train myself not to agonise and project over the relationship constantly!
The funny thing was that the less I worried over the relationship and just 'got on with life' the less dramas he seemed to cook up too. Things became a lot more stable. He was nicer, he tried harder and I was able to make clearer decisions as to whether I wanted the relationship or not instead of always feeling he held the cards and I was a slave to whether he wanted me or not..
My learning to bring myself into the now and not let his behavior dictate my emotions had huge and far reaching effects that I think really transformed everything for me, in ways I could never have forseen.
I learnt a lot about myself and how to live in right now from working the al-anon steps (there is a step-work board here that you might like to check out) and I second the meetings motion!
(((Medic)))
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
