The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's page from One Day at a Time in AlAnon has a great reminder about the powerful impact my attitude toward others can have on myself; in this case, my attitude toward the alcoholic.
The reading recalls an oft repeated concept that Alcoholism is a disease, the alcoholic is truly sick, and as such I are not justified in punishing them or treating them poorly. Do I demonstrate true acceptance of this in my attitude and behavior? Or do I just mouth the words, thinking that my situation is 'different'?
If my natural reaction to the alcoholic is bitter or angry, seeing their actions as mindful assaults on me, the reading suggests that I have not truly accepted this concept. If I am allowing bitterness and resentment to linger in my mind and heart, this poison will hold me back from making spiritual progress and contribute negatively to the home environment. I am actually poisoning myself.
While I am powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic, I do have the power to stop allowing my bitterness and anger to sabotage my recovery and serenity. Neither of these are possible without true acceptance of this concept.
"It is not men's actions which disturb us - but our reaction to them..." ~ (Marcus Aurelius)
-----------
This is such a valuable reminder for me, even though no longer living with my qualifier. I find that my mind still tries to attribute my own discomfort to the intentions of others, regarding alcohol and a variety of other issues. AlAnon reminds me that I have the power to make the change where it is healthy and effective: within my own mind, attitude, and behavior. Regardless of the actions of others, I have the power to choose whether I use them to make poison to sip on, or disregard them and continue my recovery.
So grateful for the wisdom and guidance of the program
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thanks Paul To answer your question I will say "NOT any more" Now that I have alanon tools and know how to focus on myself I am feeding my serenity, courage and wisdom. Love the quote.
Thanks for your service.
Great reminder, thanks
Might have to pop that quote on my desktop for the week as it's very topical for me right now
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
So true, so true. But let me insert a big "but"......
So many people that don't know alcoholism or the dynamics in an alcoholic family, tell us that we have to treat the "patient" more like he has diabetes or cancer or another illness. Yes, it is an illness and no one chooses this. But with every illness comes responsibility. An alcoholic who chooses to not treat their disease is no different than a cancer patient who chooses to die from their cancer. Doesn't mean I have to like it, but it does open up choices for me to allow them the dignity of their choice and leave them alone with their choice.
A great example was given to me. An person with seizures is at my house and has a seizure and in the dilemma of their disease they break a lamp at my house. I would expect them to take responsibility and offer to replace the lamp. We don't just ignore that they made a mess at my house and say, "oh well, they have a disease. I need to have more compassion." I can have compassion for what they are going through and still expect them to take responsibility for their disease.
If they don't? I have my AlAnon and can say, like Betty, "NOT any more".
Thank you Paul for the daily (yesterday) and your share + ESH!
For me, when I came here and admitted that I was powerless over my alcoholics and my life was unmanageable, I had no choice but to surrender. For me this meant STOP LOOKING OUTSIDE MYSELF FOR THE CAUSE AND THE ANSWERS....
I am one who is so hard-headed that I have no choice but to remember each morning and evening that the answers to all that bothers me is within me, with the help of this program and all the tools. I am so glad that my sponsor has a very different life and can very simply ask me a question or two that helps me see that I am not focused properly. I truly have no choice but to stop considering who is at fault, who is responsible, what will they do or not do, etc. It's about me, how important is it truly and how is it affecting my attitude and outlook?
There are days where all I have to do is wake-up and there are ANTs in my brain. It is my job and my responsibility to myself to own the crazy thinking, recognize the cause (if it's real) and then turn it over. I have also learned in this program that just because I value honesty and taking responsibility for my actions doesn't mean ANY one else does. My side of the street needs to be swept each day, sometimes more than once, for me to realize my goal is to be happy, joyous and free as much of the time as humanly possible.
It's what my HP wants for me too. That quote is so spot on.....I choose serenity and want to keep it as often as possible. This means acceptance of what is beyond my scope and turning it all over...
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I love this reading. I think this is how we get freedom from the victim attitude that we often live in when we are affected by this disease. The reading tells us that we have no right to punish them and of course we dont. Who do we think we are that we are judge and jury over any human being?
We tell ourselves, well, that persons my husband, wife, son, daughter and we think we have authority over them. We seem to think others belong to us and we loose our sense of being individuals and that our loved ones are individuals who are free to live however they want or choose or just do. To apportion judgement to another no matter how close is pretty egotisitcal. It suggest we know better. Our loved ones should live as we see fit. We want them to behave the way we judge appropriate and that fits with our ideals.
We only really have two choices, we either accept and love the alcoholic anyway and use boundaries and detachment or we keep trying to squeeze a square peg in a round hole, living the same scenarios over and over all the while whingeing about how bad our lives are.
A persons disease is kind of there business. If an alcoholic doesnt take any responsibility for their disease, then its their disease to deal with or not. They still dont deserve punishment, judgement or any other manipulative tactic from anyone. All we can do is make our own lives as good as possible, thats our responsibility. If that means not living with a drinker then so be it. That can be the most loving act. Staying, complaining, moaning, manipulating, blaming, trying to change, control, mother smother etc is our own disease and is ojr own bad behaviour.
