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So as i type this im trying fall asleep on a make shift bed in my home office. If u folliw me at all u know my ah has been having a two +yr long drunken sexual affair with what was a "familyfriend". I founnd the texts, emails and pics. .a month ago and yet here I am ob the floor. My daughter sleeps restlessly in her room knowing something us off, my ah us sleeping in what use to be ourbed. .Recovering from a hangover. Im plotting my next mive yet unsure what it is. Im trying to copperate with ah as he can be very nasty when hes not in control. . He is starting to realize i mean it that i want OUT. And if it werent for my child i wouldve been gone. I havent kucked him out bc. . Icant maintain this driveway in the middle if nowhere and i dont want tohave to depend on him. I dont want the housebut he wont agree in writing to even a basic childcare arrangement so i can leave. Wehavent exactly told our daughter whats going on bc until three days ago ah was still hopeful, nit sure why. .Seems the pics i found and the statement, im done shoukdve been clear but nope. . Hes"processing". . Hes being daddy of the year when it works to make me look bad and hesdragging his feet on EVERYTHING. I kniw im ruledby fear and the insane thought that if i play my cards right i can get him to cooperate and go to div mediation and agree to some things so i can move out. In the meantime i am finding my only friends to be here. . Its amazing howpeople you thought would never turn away do in times like these. A dear friend, who is married to a pastor. Who my ah has snubbed for yrs, has now decided she "cant be in the middle bc my ah reached out to her husband for help". .which consisted of the guy saying he will never condone divorce and God and prayer can heal all. . Thank you for that . . Seems it gave my ah some form of power trip on which he now thinks i owe him forgiveness. . Huh. Imagine that. . Maybe someday but not antime soon. This two yr affair has been going on under my nose, possibly in my house. Thus woman came to family functions and then the two.them turned around and bar and party hopped as a drunken couple. Im not so much as humiliated as i am angry and disgusted. My home feels violated. My life feels violated and im being asked to forgive. .is this the twilight zone. . Im being asked to not be bitter to be patient while HE processes my need for divorce. This is my life. What has happened. Im sleeping on patio cushions on my office floor waiting for my ah to sober up enough to orocess hus da** feelings so we can move fwd on div. What is WRONG with me. I dont want anything from him except my name off the ortgage and for him to refi so.i can buy an adorable house in the village. But nope, im stuck on a 250k mortgage. . Until he finds a way to refi. . This us my lfe. Thanks for caring. . Few ithers do. .
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
(((TOC))) prayers and positive thoughts continue. I have finally accepted that everything in life is a process. Please continue to place first things first, (Yourself and your daughter) living one day at a time, trusting HP and placing principles above personalities you will be taken through this painful time.
Ugh I'm so sorry. Your post make me sad for all that you are having to endure at this point. I'm glad you found MIP and I hope you also have a great face to face al anon group. Sending hugs your way...keep focusing on that house in the village. You can make that happen :)
-- Edited by Fairlee on Sunday 15th of November 2015 12:43:57 AM
I'm very sorry about all this. It sounds to me like it would be useful to decide how you would move forward if your A does not agree to the childcare arrangement. Because otherwise he can control you and keep you there merely by refusing to agree to the childcare arrangement. Which I imagine is what he will do. I know that in my case I did not have to get any agreement before I left. In fact I haven't heard of any case where the spouse had to get an agreement before they left with the child. But a lawyer will tell you what the requirements are in your situation. It sounds miserable for you right now, having to sleep on the floor and enduring the nastiness of your A. Not something you should have to deal with longterm. Sending best wishes for a clear path to become available soon.
I wonder what it is in us that makes us give our power away?
When I've done that I try to delve a bit deeper and look at what it is I am afraid of? I had a thought just yesterday about my need to forgive myself for standing by passively while others behaved in ways that led me to loose all respect for them. It was a (dim) light bulb moment. Because I cared about being liked by my husband I gave away my liberty. I was asking myself what really would have happened if I had behaved differently. For instance why didn't I ever tell my husband to get out of our house? I think that I thought that he couldn't cope and I could (arragh!!!) and that being drunk and stubborn he wouldn't go anyway - but I'm beginning to think that I should have asked regardless.
Strangely I chose to sleep on a camp bed at a relative's home when I left for a month. I had the option of a bedroom elsewhere, or could have rented an apartment, but for some reason that camp bed fitted me, it was where I placed myself at that time - i.e. shamed and suffering near the floor! That was my choice and I'm proud to believe that if I am ever in that situation again I will choose to book myself on a fantastic holiday instead!
You are worth taking care of TOC Sending huge ((((((hugs)))))))
PS Just a practical thought - is there space in your home office for a nice sofa bed?
It's never to early to start building your new and comforting nest and it might, in time, be a useful bit of furniture for when friends come to visit in your lovely new home. I'm picturing the delivery men bringing a positive bit of your new life to your door
Sending huge ((((((hugs)))))))