The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I has been 14 months since I left my ex AH. I went through homelessness and lost my business. However I managed to stay very happy and positive all the time.
At about 2 months ago things changed a lot. I was still homeless and living in a hostel, when I met this man (I will call him T) who treated me like I never was treated before. Even knowing he was due to move abroad and that I wasn't ready nor wanted another relationship I gave in and went several dates. He was kind, supportive, non judgemental, trustworthy and reliable. He moved away and since we have been traveling once a month to see each other. He came in September and I went in October. We started making plans for the holidays together.
Meanwhile I moved to an apartment and it should be the happiest time of my life since everything I went through, but it isn't.the difficulty in communicating with T, the feeling of loneliness and insecurity, the fear of abandonment. The unsureness of how to behave in a proper relationshipI don't even know what I want from him. Some days I wake up great feeling that only friendship is enough and by evening I am crying with despair due to lack of physical closeness.
I think I should put an end to it and I think I would do this by Monday. I want to be gentle with myself and be allowed to change my mind if I want to, and accept that I am confused.
But I wish I had never given in. I was in such a blissful state of mind before meeting him. I so wanted to get back to that again, shame it can't be done without pain and tears.
Thanks for listening.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Hi Luzia I salute your courage for reaching out and attempting to grow and have a new loving relationship. I believed that freezing myself in time, not trying anything new sounded like a workable solution for my life as well. HP had other plans . I am so glad that He did.
I continued meeting, workng the Steps using all the tools and wonder of wonders I learned how to have a grown up male/ female loving relationship.
Trust the process and remember the slogan:" Live and Let live "
Relationships are lovely and tricky and scary and .....
The greatest thing in my life about being in Al-Anon and selecting recovery is I can apply the principals to 'all my affairs'. When I am troubled about anything or anyone, I can reach out to program friends, sponsor and/or my tools/steps and work on me to see why I am troubled.
Keep your focus on you and working to be the best version of you and everything will be as it's supposed to be.
Good to see you back again! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Glad to hear from you Luzia and happy that you are working on your new life! I agree with Betty and IAM. Your feelings are normal, having just come out of an alccoholic relationship with XAH. Al-Anon tools, prayers and steps, as well as meetings and literature will help to overcome your anxiety and fears. You are still healing and will continue to heal for quite some time. Welcome back and keep coming back!
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 12:08:28 PM
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Thanks guys as always.
I have just sent him an honest email with all my feelings since we haven't be good at communicating lately. I made it lighthearted and whatever the outcome is better then the uncertainty and paranoia.
Living now one minute at time.
So much for a drama - free life...
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Oh Luiza, I'm in the same boat. Relationships are hard for those of us who are recovering from living for so long in the dysfunction of addiction. God has other plans for me and I'm still with the same non-addict man that I've been with for 7 months but it's been so emotionally hard. I swear I need my program more now than I did when I lived with active alcoholism and I swear I was happier when I was just living along and NOT in a relationship.
But, relationships teach us something and we grow and we learn more about ourselves, not just about the other person. I have chose to use the VERY UNCOMFORTABLE times through this new relationship to search my heart and to learn and grow and to find my path more clearly. It is definitely harder than living alone but I am making a choice to stay. If I'm honest I call my sponsor weekly and tell her that I'm breaking up this wonderful man.....mostly because I can't handle the emotional mess that is within me and my own mind. But, i don't. I stick it out. I overanalyze everything about him and about us, but I'm still here. God has me here for a reason and so, here it is I'll stay....for now.
Sending you lots of support. You've come so far. Hang in there. Feel the feelings. Never ever end a relationship from a place of fear (unless you're in real danger). Fear will get us nowhere. Find your strength, feel what needs to be felt, and work through it. It will be OK!~
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Hi Luiza, it is good to see those beautiful feathers again and to hear that you've settled in your own place and that you've had some good feelings along the way. I like to think that people come into our lives and we learn from each other. It isn't always comfortable although there are usually some good things, worth celebrating, that get us to turn up to class! The lesson doesn't always last a lifetime either. You are right (IMHO) - living with uncertainty and paranoia is way too much to handle. Well done you for standing up for what you need. ((((Hugs))))
It's great to hear from you Luiza! I have wondered how you are.
I'm glad to hear you're again settled in a new place.
I can't even imagine what it would be like trying to have another relationship after years of dealing with abuse and nonsense. Be gentle with yourself! You deserve that. Good on you for remembering to stay in the now.
(((Luiza)))
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I wondered how you were faring and am sorry to hear about the hard times for you and daughter. Glad you have found an apartment and to see you back again. Xxo
Aloha Sister...that beautiful peacock still does a number on my emotions. Glad to hear you are still trudging the road to happy destiny as we say in the other program and it seem where you are at is your needing to have a relationship with the most important people in your life...your Higher Power and Luiza...especially Luiza. Learn to love her unconditionally without condition first and you will be best cared for...Hell love her like I love her. Yes I know about physical attention and the buzz people get from it and honestly that isn't so much about love as it is about patronization. That might sound a bit deep and I learned it for me. (((((hugs))))) Keep coming back and keep bringing the bird.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 16th of November 2015 11:38:30 PM
Keep coming back and keep bringing the bird.