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So since my last updat. . I went to a cnslg session at ah request to "work onforgiveness and getting pastmy anger". Needless to say when she heard fromme that i was nit ready for forgiveness and not seeki.g reconciliation, ah immediately felt i was toblame for how the cnslr responded. She tried toenvmcourage himto focud on now and the current reason for divorce and he of course brought up 17 years of why im to blame for his drinking and affairs. He did break down and genuinely cry as did i as i stated that "i just cant and wont do this anymore". .he left the session early. She talked with me about my guilt and codependency and how he kniws to"hook me". . All true. So now. . Friday we had agreed to try to talk civil while daughter was at school function to then prep for mtg with a div med. Good right? Well, he texted me on my drive home from work when he coukdve been picking up our daughter and said" im at the bar with some buddies. Need to process all of this. I wont drag you out but i need some time to emotuonally deal with this". .welli was ticked but stayed calm and did tell.him i understood and woukldhope we could talk next day and choose date fir next step. He was out till 300am. . I left with daughter for day to then arrive home as he was leaving. Asked if we coukd meet for dinner. . I said i wasnt interested and he said, "nice way to show your daughter you care and we can be civil"(hook). he then insisted daughter run errands with him. .She was crying. He came to me and said," i simply asked for some time. .Its been three days since i facedthat you are divorcing me and you just keep pushing". . Which is true. But ummm i found the affair evidrnce a month ago, itsbeen going on for two years. . HE needs processing time. Now admittedly i have trouble allowing him space. . I want out but he agrees to NOTHING formal and im not ok with that. He says he will go to the mediator but yelled "its fing saturday". . Slammed the door and left. Iknow hes WAY out of line, hurting, fearful etc. . But im sooooo DONE. Im finding it hard to give him time. . So thats the update. . Icoukd use wrds of encouragement,shares of experience and Tool reminders to.help me shut up and not push. . At least for s few days. .
-- Edited by Theoceancalls on Saturday 14th of November 2015 04:42:13 PM
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Of course if he really wanted time and space and patience, he could show you time and space and patience. But everything he's doing is just showing how right you are in concluding that he's not a reasonable person who will act respectfully.
So this is a situation where he says he wants something incredibly badly (you to slow down about the divorce proceedings). This is the way he behaves when he wants something incredibly badly (or at least says he does). He is still as insane as any other alcoholic, isn't he? His behavior would be laughable if it weren't so sad.
Based on my experience, I'd guess that what he wants is more time and opportunity to work on you and guilt you and try to get you to take the blame and try to get you to change your mind. Then he can go on doing just what he's been doing (cheating, drinking, lying, all that) without any consequences. His disease is wanting to see if he can get away with it.
It sounds as if the counselor saw through him right away. You are under zero obligation to give him his 100,000th chance. Your responsibility is to take good care of yourself. Hang in there!
Thanks for the powerful update TOC I hear you becoming stronger and more program focused as you walk this difficult road. You are seeingreality and dealing with it with compassion, wisdom aand courage. Good work.
Remember one day, one moment at a time this will unfold as HP wills it Remember the 11ths Step where we pray only for the knowledge of HP's will and the POWER to Carry it out. histoo will pass,
