I really am wondering if any of this is my fault. Not so much the big pucture, moreso the day to day arguments and drunkeness. Would things be different had we never met. He calls me depressed and pathetic. He accuses me of cheating which i have never done, yet ive been harassed by the mother of his child telling me he has been sleeping with her in the past which he adamently denies. I really believe if i was still the woman he met maybe he would still be the man i met. Deep down inside, i know he is an absolute mess.

In Al-Anon we have the Three C's, which I believe someone might have mentioned: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it.  "It" being the alcoholism.  No one can make a person drink but themselves.  If we could make them drink, we could make them stop, right?  And yet if there were a way to make them stop, one of the millions, maybe billions of people affected by alcoholism would have found it by now.  The truth is that no one can make them stop except themselves, and no one can make them start except themselves.  We are simply not that powerful.

But alcoholics have to twist their thinking into a certain type of insanity in order to keep on drinking.  Part of that insanity is blaming their drinking on someone else.  That means they can get off easy!  They didn't choose it!  Someone else is at fault!  They are just a victim!  Yeah, that would be nice, maybe, if they didn't have to take responsibility.  They will insist all day long and all night long that they wouldn't drink if it weren't for X, Y and Z making them drink.  My A insisted it was my not wanting him to drink that made him drink.  ("I can't take the pressure!  I can tell you don't like it even when you don't say anything!")  But in truth they always have dozens of choices.  If they're sad in their relationship, they could get counseling, they could join a support group, they could talk to a pastor, they could read books about it, they could try different things, they could decide to accept it, and they can always leave.  It's never that "drinking" is their only choice and someone held a gun to their head every day and night making them take every sip.  And many people are sad in their relationships.  That's true.  Why aren't they all alcoholics?  Because there are other choices when you're sad. 

Your A's wild mood swings and hostility are absolutely typical of an alcoholic.  The standard profile.

I wanted to mention something else you said.  You said "i gave in much sooner than i usually do."  I know it's infuriating when they accuse us of crazy things and try to throw the blame on us.  But we're dealing with insanity here.  Some people picture the word INSANE written on the A's forehead.  And two Al-Anon sayings have been helpful to me.  One is "You don't have to show up to every argument you're invited to."  They love turmoil, and when we refuse to get involved in the turmoil, we're actually the ones with the upper hand.  The second saying is "Recovery isn't winning.  It's not playing."  I used to fantasize that I would find the exact right thing to say and my A would finally understand and agree.  Then I realized he kept me sucked in by refusing to agree.  I gave up trying to "win" - I just refused to play.  It's hard because the craving to "win" is so strong.  But not playing took me out of the horrible cycle entirely.  What freedom!  I let him claim what he wanted.  The insane thoughts of an insane person are just insane.  No use trying to convince a delusional person that little green men aren't coming to get him; no use trying to convince an alcoholic of anything.