The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm sitting at my desk at work writing this. I've been here since 5am because I needed to leave the house as my husband began a rampage that started at 3:30 this morning, waking me out of a sound sleep, to tell me how horrible I am and how I drove him into drunkenness last night. Upon entering my office and turning on my computer, I promptly looked up all of the Al Anon meetings in my area, determined to attend one. I've been deliberating for years on whether going to these meeting might anger him more and worsen the situation, but I can see now that I need help. Also, as I'm writing this, I realize how terrified I am of going home, because I don't know what I'll find. He had just begun throwing things around, and when I left him, he was in a fetal position on the dining room floor, crying like a baby. I feel like the worst sort of person to have left him like that, but I have seen him go from a crying helpless soul to a raving screaming lunatic in the blink of an eye and I couldn't deal with it again.
As I perused through articles and websites this morning, the one that really hit me and offered me a glimpse of hope was a small phrase that read " It isn't wrong to love an alcoholic". I guess I always felt like I was some sort of fool for loving him the way I do. I mean how pathetic do you have to be to stay with an man who treats you like human garbage when he's drunk? But that small phrase made me feel like a tiny bit of the weight had been lifted off of my chest.
I do love this man that I've been married to for almost 14 years. I often tell him that Sober H loves me to the ends of the earth. And he is Sober H 95% of the time. But Drunk H? Well he hates and despises me. He shows up with more and more frequency now. I suppose that is the driving force, at this point, in finally committing to attending a meeting. But in the meantime, as that meeting isn't until Tuesday night, I thank you for letting me put into words just how.....I don't know...tired, angry, scared, helpless I feel right now.
-- Edited by Theresa B on Friday 13th of November 2015 08:25:43 AM
-- Edited by Theresa B on Friday 13th of November 2015 08:34:52 AM
Welcome Theresa. And congratulations. You've taken the first step towards the something better you deserve
Much of what you say sounds like my life with my A; in fact towards the end of our living together there were several nights where my daughter and I slept huddled in a freezing car with the dog and a cat...parked outside our local church...because his drunken rampages had gotten so out of control.
As you have seen, al-anon won't condemn you for loving an alcoholic, or badger you to leave him. Instead here you'll find a lot of amazing tools for living a joyous and peaceful life regardless of who you do or don't have a relationship with and regardless of what they do!
I really hope you find the support you need here and in face to face al-anon if possible and that you are able to get a peaceful nights sleep tonight.
(((Theresa)))
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thank you so much! I can feel the tears welling in my eyes and I don't know why, except that I have never spoken to anyone about this without hearing condemnation and pity. Just reading your words of support fill me with just a little hope that I thought I had lost a long time ago.
I am so glad you have found us. I think many of us put off going to Al-Anon until it became clear that things really weren't manageable any more. You will find a room full of people who understand. (And we on these boards are many more rooms full of people who understand.) There is great hope and you can regain your serenity no matter what happens in your alcoholic's life.
But it sounds as if you are wise to have gotten out of harm's way - alcoholic moods can turn on a dime and you have protected yourself. Meetings are another great way to protect yourself, and to acquire the tools for finding serenity amidst the chaos and insanity. When someone drinks to excess, the insanity spreads to everyone around, and our thinking can become distorted too. That's why we benefit from our own recovery.
I hope you'll find a good meeting (they say to try six since every one is different), get the literature, read through the posts on these boards, and start on your recovery. People have also benefited from the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. Despite the title, it's not about waiting till they are sober before starting to regain your happiness.
Welcome Theresa You are definitely not alone . I am glad that you have decided to attend alanon meetings in spite of your fears. The support that I received in these room enabled me to regain, my self, esteem,and courage so that I could live my life on life's terms with dignity.
Alcoholism is a dreadful progressive, chronic disease that can be arrested an not cured. You did ot cause it, cannot control it or cure it. The best you can do is seek out help for yourself and continue to keep the focus on your recovery. Alanon offers this.
Keep coming back here as well and please remember that if you are in any danger please do not hesitate to call 911.
I remember feeling that way too. I'd guess you've been keeping an awful lot inside for a very long time now and putting on a brave face for the world! Big hugs.
You're in good company.
In your initial post you mentioned that you were worried attending meetings might anger your husband. I simply told my partner that I was going to meetings to 'help me build my confidence" which was entirely true. He thought that was just great! There's not really any reason to make him think the meetings are about him, if indeed you need to mention it to him at all...because as you'll learn it's about US really anyway, and how to focus on and strengthen ourSELVES. I think a lot of people tell their partners "I am going to al-anon because your drinking is so bad" because they think it might be a wake-up call and it backfires more often than not.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Oh and the book Mattie said.....that was a life-changer for me
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
At first I would sneak to meetings when he'd pass out, then I started telling him because of what missmeliss said, that didn't work. LOL, now I just tell him on Tuesdays at 630 that I am leaving to go to my meeting. I'm sure he gets made but it's about ME, not HIM. But he has asked me on occasion how was the meeting? I just answer with a good or very good. Best of luck to you, I've been there, I look forward to my meetings now and am so glad that I just tell him about them. And yes, the book is great.
Stopped on my way home to grab an egg mcmuffin and gather my thoughts. Sitting in my car at the local park truly frightened of what awaits me when I open my front door. Is he still on the floor? Did he destroy the rest of our home? Did he hurt himself? I guess I need to take a deep breath and get on with it.
Welcome Theresa to MIP - so glad you found us and so glad you found the courage to share.
Your story is very familiar to me and most of us here. We all love an alcoholic, and have been affected/damaged by the disease of alcoholism. It's a progressive, painful and damaging disease that affects the entire family - sometimes harder on 'us' who love than those who have it.
You've been given tons of great ideas above me - I can share that I don't tell mine where I am going - I just get up and leave. They figure out I'm not home and go on about their way. They certainly did not inform me when they were going to the liquor store, the bar, the party, the ...... so I am OK with taking care of me and putting me first. If asked, I will share I went to a meeting, which makes them all sneak away as they are fearful of change, especially if the change is in me.
So, please choose you - put you first and give the program a chance. You will not regret it and are not alone.
(((Hugs))) - do some kind and gentle things for you today - nothing worse than interrupted sleep at the hands of this disease!!! (Nap, bubble bath, etc.)
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you so much. Just got home. Mess that he created still all over the floor and he is gast asleep. I know that when he gets up the first thing he will do is tear up and hug me. It's like a script from a badly written play that we act out over and over. It's time for one of the actors to break script and I guess that's going to be me. Thank you all for your words of encouragement.
Aloha Teresa and welcome to the MIP Family board...I haven't heard lately a part of the disease described as you just have. That is soooo true so you are not crazy or blind. There is still so much more to learn about the disease you are sharing with your very sick husband...and he is very sick. Alcoholism is a fatal disease...it takes lives both of the drinkers and non-drinkers. You can find a lot of information on the internet about what alcoholism is...it's been around thousands of years and you are just now the most resent complainer as we have been and at time still are. Alcoholism is a four fold disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions which can never be cured and only arrested by total abstinence and you cannot make that happen for him. If he doesn't become concerned enough to go see help the end stages are insanity (which seems to describe where he is at now) and death...don't diagnose him diagnose where you are at with this and come out to speak with those of us all around the world who have been thru what you are going thru now and survived and reclaimed our sanity. Keep coming back and reaching out. (((((hugs)))))
Hope you can make the most of the quiet to treat yourself to some well deserved tlc....bubble bath, curling up in bed with a book...a meeting...whatever does it for you!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Teresa, I have been where you are. Going to work as a refuge, finding AH on the floor, in dread of going home each day not knowing what I would find, sitting in my car talking to a friend about what I could not talk about at home.
I also had to wait for my first meeting ... in my case, I decided one morning, while crying in the shower, that I would go to Al-Anon. Luckily there was a meeting that evening. It was hard to wait, but I was ready, and when I got there I started to learn so much.
