Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

Thank you I am Here.  I appreciate your in put.  I am years in Al Anon and am not married to the person I am in a relationship with.  Your points are valid and I appreciate them.   

I married a man after a few years in the program. He was a newcomer & I didn't know that he had just gotten sober recently. I made the mistake of marrying him 9 mos later. I don't recommend but I did it anyway. Today he is completely out if my life. I am remarried to another recovering A. He is sober & I am in recovery too. We are working together at this & one day at a time we are still together. It doesn't work for everyone but it works for us. I don't know if this will help you in any way. This is my experience. Like we say in the program. Take what you like & leave the rest. Welcome.

Thank you for that response.   It feels like experience, strength and hope.  This is an al anon man who after divorcing his alcoholic wife (who had not drunk in over 30 years but became a different person) ended up having a number of disastrous alcoholic relationships and was taking time off to heal when I approached him.  He did not hit on me at all -- just reached out with care and love when I shared my diagnosis.   I approached him about a relationship because I thought I felt something between us.   He exudes love and caring.   I can see where he is a big caretaker.   Now we are both hooked.   One day at a time.  Definitely turning to my higher power for guidance.   And this message board really helps me feel connected to program without feeling judged or gossiped about (which is probably going to be next).  We are all humans after all.   Thank you for your insight and caring message.  

As I understand it, the dilemma is about leaving someone you're with in favor of someone you've fallen in love with, but don't have experience of being in a relationship with.  That would be a dilemma for even the healthiest, most emotionally stable person in the world.  I imagine you know all the questions.  It's doubly tricky assessing someone's fitness for a relationship when you're in a situation where you're not free and clear of the last person.  Because there's no going slowly and figuring it out step by step - when you leave Person A for Person B, it puts a lot of pressure on the relationship with Person B to be "worth it."  It's harder to draw back and say, "You know what, I see a few things I'm uncomfortable with here, let's stop this at the close friendship stage." 

My problem has always been jumping in feet first, believing the exhilaration of an early relationship is an indication of how good it's going to be.  And the problem with a certain type of men is that they can be extremely charming, especially when we're unavailable because we're in a relationship already.  This certain type is incredibly attentive and devoted and head-over-heels in the beginning.  I remember being told that I was "the love of his life" and "I've never met anyone like you" and "You've changed my whole life" and "This is what I've been waiting for."  And I thought: At last, someone who's not afraid to express affection or unwilling to commit!

But the problem, I found, is that people who are so intense about jumping in can also be intense about jumping out.  I had mistaken intensity for longterm caring.  When I entered into the relationship, he had "won" and had his victory and all of a sudden little problems started arising and all of a sudden he was sick of the relationship and all the good stuff evaporated.  I would never have believed that someone so caring could do such an about-face. 

One thing I realized is that months 1-6 of the relationship (not the friendship, but actually being involved) are fabulous and delicious, and months 6-12 is when real life starts to emerge and if there are dealbreakers, they start to come out.   By that time I was already committed, while he was trying to head out the door.  Painful.

The difficulty with your situation is that it's hard to get to months 6-12 without ending your previous relationship.  And leaving A for B increases the chances that you'll say, as I did, "But this has to work out!  After everything I've gone through to get in it!  You can't leave me high and dry now!"  This despite all the red flags and withdrawing that I saw on his part.

One thing I did know was that what it seemed he had to offer, was something I did need.  The problem was that I couldn't actually get it from him.

Just some of my thoughts - take what you like and leave the rest.

I find that when two people have the dance of codependency going they both need the behavior of the other .. I refer to this as bag and tag .. they have to have things move really fast from one relationship directly into another one. After all if someone actually sees them as they are they might not want them. That thought is mine and probably the biggest reason I do not want to get involved with someone else at this point and time.

So whatever you choose to do .. take it as a snails pace.

My first therapist after my initial split said to me she was concerned over the fact I had been treated so poorly that any man who gave me just enough to stave off emotional hunger would have seemed like a banquet and I wouldn't have required him to try harder. So I would have been left with the same hole I couldn't fill and I had to work on filling that myself. Sometimes I think I'm ready and then I think umm no .. I'm good .. lol. Maybe that feeling will go away at some point .. who knows what my HP's plan is for me. There are to many other things going on at the moment I don't have time to obsess over a relationship of will it work or not .. if it's going to work it's going to work .. if it's not what's the dang hurry everyone gets in?

I will say be completely single for a good long while it doesn't have to be the dry spell I've been in .. it sure doesn't hurt to have some time and space to figure things out and see someone as they truly are and not through the honeymoon phase instead of placing them in a box of expectations of who they should be .. that leads to another box .. disappointment. I will be far more ready if I do choose to have coffee with someone if I work on me first.

Hugs S :)

Sorry, that reply was for Mattie but I appreciate your insight and experience as well.  This has been a helpful exercise in getting to share about this (I do not feel comfortable bringing this up in a meeting) and getting feedback from people who have had experience and that there is no judgement involved.  I dd not know this existed until I was feeling enough discomfort to look.