MissM, it would seem that speaking to her about her memory or lack of it is not what
she can or is willing to hear or understand. Is there someone else in her house or
close to her, you know who sees her everyday, that you can talk to? Maybe her
physician?

Hi Mel,

I like the way you used humor concerning calling the wrong phone number. Your mom responded well to that.  If you feel you'd like to keep the lines of communication open concerning her memory, maybe being gentle as you have been is best.  Newcomers to Alanon who are affected by someone else's drinking can feel very vulnerable. The power of the disease over us frightens us until we find the willingness to try the steps and tools that can help us.  This is a program for life and it can be an aid in many situations.  Loss of physical or emotional stability, fear of the unknown, lack of trust in self, stress - all of these can be attributed to living with alcoholism but also happen when another underlying disease or life stresser is present.  After my dad passed away, despite knowing it was coming; my mom was in a state of panic for months. I doubt she could have remembered in one hour what had taken place in the one prior.  I was fortunate that she was open to hearing Alanon readings. I shared my own vulnerabilities with her and didn't solicit many questions. With time, she began to open up woman to woman with me rather than in the roles of parent and child.  She was frightened Melissa and she was the parent, the protector of her children, the nurturer so the opening up needed to happen on her terms. It was my experience that the Alanon program was the little nudge that helped that to happen. I wasn't advising, parenting her just sharing wisdom of others and how that wisdom resonated for me personally in my life.  I think it brought trust from my mom that it was acceptable to step out of the role of mother and just be another woman with me.  Anyway... this is just my experience.  I hope you are able to keep the lines of communication open with your mom. Please keep us posted as to how she is doing and how you are feeling. Thank you for sharing.  (((hugs))))  TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Wednesday 11th of November 2015 12:04:29 PM

Agreed with the gentle. My dad is in hospital right now. He told the doctors that he had a prickly skin sensation so bad sunday night he wanted to end it all. When they said they had never heard of that, I kept pushing hims to ask them more questions, but he didn't want to. And then he dug in and yelled at me to drop the whole matter. So I ended up changing the subject back to his blood pressure, and am figuring out other ways of trying to make it not happen again while letting him retain his self-respect, or his sense of stubbornness, or whatever it is that is making him yell at me.

If you suspect something is up, I would think that you will want to say something sometime, in whatever manner you think best. If she ends up rebuffing you, then so be it, it's her life, but if you don't say anything, you could live with regret over it. Plus, on things like this, where they can't really see it themselves, I think it is up to us to say something. Kind of when she has a mosquito sitting on the back of her head ready to draw blood. Will you ignore it, or swat it off her head and take the yelp and explanation that have to go with it afterward?

Kenny

MissMel - you have a good head on your shoulders and work a good program. This is one of those times where I would definitely write about it, talk about it and pray about it.

I am facing similar issues with my parents - they are quite a bit older though. I believe they are aware that they are slipping, and aren't quite sure what to do. Anytime I've brought it up, I've been very gentle - with repeating as well as the conversations. My mother does drink too much most evenings, so I do try to have day-time conversations. I also often send a follow-up email to them if it's something that they really need to know/remember. I just suggest I am sending it for myself as much as them.

I am sure she's as concerned as you are. Trust your HP and the answers will come. (((Hugs))) - it's a hard reality that is certainly not easy to address...

Ms.M you are a n intelligent woman and do not jump to conclusions easily. If you are sensing this I am sure she is too.

My sister is much older and does the same with her children One daughter (who is a nurse) has brought it up to her and they are going for testing. She readily admits that she cannot remember, writes notes to herself and is willing to address the possible next right actions (If her daughter goes with her).
Like IAH suggests , I would pray about it and listen to the small voice within. Positive thoughts on the way

Please never let go of your sense of humor 

Well MissM, this one resonates with me hugely. I have a fairly close friend who had a mental breakdown and had to be hospitalized for quite a while. She is home now and doing well. Several of her friends, myself included, watched her decline and were concerned for her. Her reasoning and her decisions were becoming very erratic. When we gently suggested that she see her doctor, she would reply that she was fine, just stressed. And then she wasn't.

Talking to her after she came home, she asked me if we had noticed her deterioration. I said that yes we had and we had urged her to go to her doctor but felt it was not our place to do more. She looked at me and said," I wish you had. I wish you had taken my hand and forced me to go. I wish you had not listened to me but insisted I get help and you were going nowhere until I did."

Sometimes it appears, people who are struggling as your mother is, just need someone else to take charge and move them along. I feel such guilt for not doing that for her. You are correct that she will either forget to go to the doctor, put it off or, to be honest, lie like a trooper if she does go. Several of my friends are living with partners who are in the early stages of dementia. They insist that they accompany their spouses on doctor's visits because in the early stages, people can be very cagey and pull themselves together for the visit time. But there are meds out there now that slow down the process of the disease and the sooner one gets them the more effective they are.