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Okay, here's my new situation. I just love my soap opera life!
My childhood friend, had been talking to my AH for me while I wasn't talking to him (while he was in Arizona this past month and a half) She also has been the one who kept telling him to get his ass home and deal with his family and his problems etc etc. She knows our relationship better than anyone and was shocked that he took off in the first place like he did. Well, anyway, she offered him to stay with her while we worked things out and decided where we wanted to go from here, but she asked me first if it was okay. I said yes.
Well, he was over this afternoon and wanted to confide something to me, but said I couldn't say anything. What he confided was that my friend confided to him that she is a vicadin addict, and is up to 30 pills a day. She's all freaked out and wants his help. I'm a little upset that she hasn't told me, and I'll wait for her to tell me, because I care about her and want to help in anyway I can. But I'm getting the feeling that her need for my AH is going to cause complications with my family and whatever it is we try to work out. He wants to come home for now, but she wants him to stay there and help her out to try to wean herself down on the vicadin and then help get her into a detox and then outpatient rehab. Of course she's not telling me this, because she scared for me to know about her problem.
So now he feels torn, and I'm like, look, did you come back to mend your family or what? Of course I want to help her, and want him to help her, but this crap is getting ridiculous, and I don't know what to do or think now about this situation, and he feels like he is in the middle and I'm starting to feel a little freaked out. Do I just allow him to concentrate on her problem right now, or do I demand his attention on fixing the mess he made with our family?! And do I confront her, or wait for her to tell me. What a mess.
I can definitely relate to having a life full of drama, chaos and obligation. Recently a friend of mine moved nearby. Her life is full of drama, chaos and tremendous fear. I worked with her last year when I was just beginning to have boundaries and it was tremendously difficult. There were times when she went out of her way to make me feel guilty and to impose her difficulties on me. I could resonate that she was really having a hard time. Lately I have been willing to say to her that I do not have that much to give and am struggling myself. I also have shared that I am not that available at the moment without any feeling of guilt. I have also stated to her that I am glad she is doing better. Before I would have to say that with someone like that i would have totally over extended myself and then felt deeply resentful. I have not felt resentful to her or guilty either but I have felt like when she made a request of me that I met it.
I think to do this I have had to be willing not to be "mother teresa" to admit to myself I am on overwhelm enough already and that I do not have that that many resources to give to others. I have also had to go out and ask for help. One member of this room encouraged me over and over to get a sponsor. I got one and began a relationship with her. I also got some counsellors who helped me on a short term basis. I also put together a plan of action for myself and started to act on it. So in other words I shifted the focus from everyone else to myself. In some ways that means I am more available to others because I can acknowledge my limited availability and not over extend myself then feel invaded and overwhelmed. On other levels it has been very very hard to focus on me and what I need because I really have not done that in my life before.
Hi, The best way I know to learn how to set appropriate boundaries is to go to meetings, find a sponsor, work the steps, and take care of yourself. There is no easy way. But the Steps are truly a miracle, if we are willing to work them. Your sponsor can also listen to your sharing, listen to the really crazy stuff. That's what sponsors are for. And the amazing thing is that being a sponsor helps you with your own program! Good luck to you. Blessings, mebjk
The first thing I thought of when I read your post is that he feels torn. Could that be because he realizes he has a problem and wants to try to prevent what has happened to him from happening to someone else? That may be a good sign. People tell me all of the time to love my husband and respect him enough to be his own person and make his own decisions. What would he say if you told him he should do what he thinks is best? Your friend will tell you when she is ready. You letting her know that he told you may make her feel angry, vulnerable and distrustful of anyone else who tries to help her. She probably hasn't told you and of shame. Are you continuing to work on you and work your program while he is away? Or are you focused on what he is doing while he is away? Turn it over to you HP and trust that the right thing will happen for everyone involved.
This sounds pretty crazy to me... what kind of friend would delay your husband from coming home because she has trouble? I understand your husband's sympathy for her because he has spent some time face to face with her and that is hard to overlook. However, with the trouble his family is in, he should get his priorities straight!
I would urge him to spend little time on this, and point her in the direction foremost of her doctor who has been prescribing these pills for her, and then to an addiction help centre. He is not qualified to help her with this, or if he is, he is personally involved with her and thus it is not a good idea.
Maybe it is just me, but I would be suspicious of a friend who was not telling me the truth, and then trying to get my husband to stay with her behind my back.
You and your family need to come first here, my dear.
ok, for me this is what I did for me. I mean I took care of my dreams, my goals, my home'
I did not give the A's bs any attention. What good would it do? I cannot control it. I ignored everything about him. What he was doing, who he was with, where he was, if he called or not whatever. I detached.
I loved him inside but yet wanted to be completely detached from the sickness.
All the dumb stuff they do is the disease. That is for them to figure out, it is none of my business. I would not want the A watching me, answering for me, or making decisoins for me. It is his life.
I got on to my own life. Cleaning house, painting a new room, cooking, gardening, goin to my sunday meetings to learn more.
I snoop around at Goodwill for therapy, watch all my children. I do not focus on what he is doing. That is part of the disease, I am on a program of recovery.
It does not bother me when he does not call or come when he says. It does not bother me he is going to jail. I have thankfully gotten to where I do not need him. That is how I took care of me.
Now I am not saying I don't love him. I actually don't. I love the man he used to be. He is a wasted man now.
There is NO way I would encourage him to stay at a womans house. NO way. I \ would leave it to him. But as far as worldly people, cheating is rampant.
It is hard to get the concept of detachment. Once you do however your world goes on and you grown. Your own sickness and rotting away stops. We keep growing to become the best WE can be.
I hope you find your path to recovery. It is a program you fit to your life to keep] you detached and healthy and not allow the A's disease to control you. YOu make your choices nad not allow the A' aism pull you in.
Well I agree with Sweetums! Not that your friend is trying to hurt you, but by him staying there that just opens the door for ALL kinds of other problems!! You can not control that situation we know this, but I would be soooooo not be o.k. with him staying with a person of the opposite sex.
I hope that you find a way to work this out to everyone's satisfaction!
