Having a problem with detaching - Al-Anon Family Group

Powerless · Senior Member

Having a problem with detaching

jrtjosey · ~*Service Worker*~

You are actually doing very well already dettaching, glad you are looking for help taking the love along.

Josey

KathyS · Senior Member

I guess for me its become a matter of separating the disease from the person. It can be very difficult at times especially when he's using on a daily basis. I've gotten to the point where I recognize instantly when it's the addiction speaking and not my husband.

It all boils down to enjoying the good times when they do come and trying to survive the bad times with as little damage to myself and my a as possible. I do my best not to attack him as a person when his disease is in action and know in my heart that my insulting him or belittling him won't do either of us any good. Anything he says anymore when either under the influence or coming down from it I know not to pay any attention to. I let it go in one ear and out the other. This is by no means easy to do and takes constant effort and leaning on the program to achieve.

There are times when he's using so much that he literally becomes the disease. That's when I have to pull back emotionally so as not to let the disease affect me. I also have to remind myself daily (some days hourly) not to take his actions or words personally. They aren't really directed at me although it sure can feel that way at times. His using has nothing whatsoever to do with me, neither do his actions while using.

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

I have a couple of thoughts on this one. If you have kids, remember when they were toddlers? The time your 2 year old kicked you hard in the shin and told you he hated you? Well, you didn't like it, you didn't put up with it, but it didn't (really) affect your love for the child. He was just doing what 2 year olds do. Or, if you are unfortunate enough to have an elderly parent or grandparent with dementia, then you have had to deal with sometimes very nasty behaviour, and the seeming loss of the person you once loved. When your loving father doesn't recognize you, and starts cursing at you and calling you a whore, you don't like it, but you know that this is just how, sometimes, senile people are.
What you are seeing from your A is how A's are, sometimes.

The other thing I was thinking, and I'm not saying that this applies to you, but it might to some of us, is that maybe the relationship was a sick one, so full of codependency, that isn't wasn't really love we were feeling at all. Once we start to get better, we realize that the mess of abuse, guilt, control, and fear that we called love is not love at all. The reason we can't feel love is that we are starting to get too healthy to enjoy what we used to call love.

I know that my husband and myself had some aspects of our relatinship that we used to enjoy, and that brought us closer, but that weren't really good for either of us. That cosy abuse/penitence/forgiveness cycle we used to go through was actually pretty sick. But, at the time, it felt like love.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the way I have focused on detaching from the A's disease is not to think about it as much. Of course I am aware of it. I am aware there is alcohol in the fridge and he brought it. But I focused on myself what I need to do, seeking support for myself, working on my issues and taking care of me. I then stopped resenting so much that he was not taking care of me. Of course I am very very much aware that he lives in chaos, lies and does not do what he says he will. At the same time I stopped being obsessed with blaming him, excusing him, manipulating him and trying to control him. I think it was one of the hardest things I have ever done not to blow up, not to say anything and to put the focus on what I need to do next.

I do not of course know where it will lead me but I know I am much less exhausted as a result of doing it.

Maresie

sweetums · Veteran Member

I find that an A can be very emotionally immature.

Just like a teenager, if you do nothing to stop them from doing wrong things, they feel like no one cares about them. However, when you try to put boundaries on a teen, they greatly resent you and you are 'ruining their lives.'

It could be that when you detach with love, you are treating him like an adult, instead of a teenager that you have to police. The result is that those things that you were doing were you acting on the fact that you DO care about his behaviour, and wish to control it, but its because you love him. When you stop, it seems to you that you are now acting like you don't care.

But, remember that your A is NOT a teenager anymore, and MUST be treated as an adult with the control of their own life in their own hands or else they will never get better.

Besides, who wants to have a romantic relationship with their parent, or thier child? Nope, you parenting him by nagging, punishing, negotiating, making rules, etc. only creates resentment for the A because you don't want them to 'have ANY fun', and makes you upset when they continue to do the same 'bad thing'.

Here's to the merry go round!
Sweetums

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Powerless)))))

I am glad you posted this. Lots of good shares about how to detatch and why it causes the reactions it does. I love Sweetums post. I am really struggling with this too.

My wife is very sensitive to my showing her affection. She says she doesn't "feel the love" right now. I wrestle with myself each day (each hour) about how to react and handle myself around her. I do love her and I tell her... but she has become the disease the past few months.

Many times the only way to get away from the arguing is to "avoid" for me. Believe it or not she knows I don't want to fight with her, so she has started having a nice conversation about "something", and flings out what she wanted to fight about. I can see it happening, just can't stop it. Lately I just don't entertain it. I try to change the subject, or make some excuse to go do something else.

She may be A, but she is not stupid. "... who wants to have a romantic relationship with thier parent/child..." When she says she doesn't "feel the love" i'm sure she means romance. And I don't feel all cuddly with her when she is like this. Getting all passionate with the disease can't possibly help her and kills me inside.

I am trying to learn to.

Take care of you!

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