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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> confused
Post Info TOPIC: confused
Shakti


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confused
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so today is my alcoholic sons birthday and we were supposed to go out for dinner.

but he arrives to my home hungover from the evening before! looking terrible.

i was hurt disappointed that even for this special day he made no effort to remain ok.

so i decided to cancel our dinner bookings was tempted to throw him outof the house but decided to remain kind of balanced and order in pizzas instead.

i wonder what is the right way to deal with this.

I feel numb distracted and confused.



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Freetime


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I think you did great! I'm sorry your son"s birthday was not as you hoped. But you did the next right thing and went with Plan B. I hope the pizza was delicious and that you enjoyed it.

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Jerry F


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Your son has responsibilities and consequences...honor him by allowing him to have them.  When we assume they don't know the protocols of respect that is enabling the problem to continue.  You would not allow me to arrive in that condition would not the expectation  go for everyone else?  Hold him and everyone else to it.   I agree you have done well at the moments decision even the drunk gets pizza...will  he appreciate it and respect you for it?   Keep coming back.   (((((hugs))))) wink



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el-cee


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'When we assume they don't know the protocols of respect that is enabling the problem to continue. ' I love what Jerry says here. Its a good way to gauge if you are enabling or not. I got into the habit of thinking my son just did not know how to live within normal social rules and show respect but of course he always did and making the assumption that he was a bit of an idiot took away his dignity. Thanks for the reminder and the post.x

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Iamhere


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I too think you did grand....I can totally 'feel' where you are. I've made plans to take my son out for a meal, and when I collected him and/or met up with him had to choose another plan as he was not ready for prime time. I have ordered pizza, gone through a drive-thru and also have chosen to cancel upon sight and return to my home.

The last time he was to come over (I now just plan for meals here) and eat with us, I picked him up from the bus stop and dropped him back @ his house. He was under the influence of something, and it seemed best to just return him home (he'd taken the last bus of the day). I had to listen to him debate his 'condition' all the way to his house, and was an anxious mess, but just kept quiet and said we could try again soon.

It's a difficult situation and you did great. I now just hope for the best and expect the worst and anything in between is a plus. He's to come over tomorrow night for dinner and I just found out a friend from HS died in a sky-diving accident Saturday....so I am already a bit sad/emotional - telling me I need to do some program stock-piling to prepare for the evening!

(((Hugs)))

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
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