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I cant even begin to describe how bad this day was. I met with legal consult, email fought with my ah all day. .Niw im the problem, have always been the problem and yet i say the affair was my last straw. .Claims he shouodve taken last straw years ago when i stopped loving and caring and needing. And hes now on the kick that im a heartless mother for considering divorce and refusing "resolution"I may write more but thats all i can stomach now. .
-- Edited by Theoceancalls on Monday 9th of November 2015 08:00:18 PM
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I've found that expecting the A to be reasonable or sane is just a frustrated expectation. We can let him think what he wants to - he knows the truth. Much more profitable to work on our own recovery and disregard whatever craziness they have going on, right? Hang in there.
Im struggling to knowmy next mive. .I agree hes irrational and unreasonable. . I just feel held hostage by his insanity. Im trying to remain calm and sane but he makes it near impossible
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
TOC let us know what the meeting with the attorney established/suggested.
Your hubby will always blame you for the problems-- That is why it is so important to understand that this disease is irrational and unreasonable . You are living with and dealing with insanity .
Mine is the same... he texts me constantly "not to wreck our family" and "you've broken some hearts here, including our boys" etc etc, because I took a stand and moved out when I couldn't take any more verbal/emotional abuse.
It is certainly harder to do than to say, but reading your post makes me believe, for both of us, we just have to keep marching forward doing what we believe is right for ourselves and our child/children.
It is sooooo unfortunate and sad that they are being exposed to this insanity and crazy making behavior. But they are going to get it whether we stay or go, right? So we might as well do what we believe is best.
I can't really say if this story is applied appropriately, but one of my friends shared it with me, and it has stuck in my mind. There was a person who loved his dog so much, that when its tail got infected, he cut off just the little bit at the end. The infections spread, and he cut off the next little bit. And so on and so on, trying to save his dog from the ultimate pain, but subjecting it to prolonged pain as he kept shortening it.
She said, sometimes you just have to cut off the dog's tail all at once.
I keep thinking of that, as I do my incremental go to a hotel for a night, then a few nights, then move out for a month, then move out with a year's lease on a rental, all while "staying married." No answers yet, but ...
Just imagine blah, blah, blah. That's what he's saying. He's trying to upset you, shake you. Is it any different from any other time in your marriage really? The insanity is you still listening, still choosing pain and upset. The useful question is, why? What rewards are you getting? Sounds harsh but we get rewards from the roles we play. I know you can't hear me. My insanity is not accepting that fact.
Can you trust yourself? A friend of mine once said to me 'of course its your fault, who else could it possibly be?!' We both laughed at that comment and it kept me relatively sane when the person that I had chosen to trust above all else tried to lay all the blame on me.
Take care of you. Can you tell us what you are doing to nurture your lovely self.
Ok. To ans some questions. .I realy didnt connect with thel lswyer. She was all business, not that thats a bad thing but it still left me feeling unsure how to.make my next move. I thonk ican moveout with my daughter provided he has acess and all of that which sounds ok accept we arent ale to even look at the custody pkan woithout hin reminding how im ruining the family, bkah blah blah. .She aid i could atemptto get a temporary petition of custody in place but of course then there would be the battlecof me actually movig and actually veungable to take our daughter.
Tonighthe was not home when i got here with daughter he called and spoke ti her. . Its 5am and hes still not here. I frabkly dont care but hiis selfifness and eberything elsehurts his daughter more than anything. I hate trying to explain to her where he is. . Probabbly wont say much this morning. Im sure he wont contact me and im going to do my best to not contact him. Im very angry to think thatvhe can possibly believecthis is MY doing. Sure i have many of the faults be lists off but i dont MAKE him left that first can of beer and then the multiple afterwards. I dont make him sleep it off in his truck and nit cone home until daybreak, and i didnt have drunken affairs. Did i wall myself awatly from him years ago. .Yuo. Did i stop rrally caring. Yup. .
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
TOC I think it is time for you to begin to validate yourself and not simply listen to the insanity that he is pouring over you. Staying detached and not buying into the accusations by arguing,or defending helped me to stayed focused on what I needed. Validate your assets, your dedication to the family, your love for your daughter and belief in marriage by writing it down so you can see them and believe them. When he starts just recite the truth in your mind and do not engage. Say the serenity prayer often and attempt to listen to the still small voice within.
It sounds like the only thing that is preventing you from making that next move is your fear of the recriminations and arguments that your husband will lob your way. Might it be that he is doing this as a way of controlling your behaviour? Might your fear be preventing you from stepping out into the unknown? I know that I can put my hand up to having experienced both of these scenarios to keep me stuck in a familiar but unhealthy situation.
I have learnt that words don't actually hurt me - someone can talk and rant until they are blue in the face and yes, I will get fed up and let my feelings run round in circles in my head and I may even let some of the nasty words hit their mark when I choose to believe them (more fool me!) - but I doubt if my husband would speak to a stranger the way that he has spoken to me - and that is my fault, because I let him think that he could. I understand how easy it might be for guilt to be used against you - but really, remember the facts? Do you need to accept that guilt?
Find your affirmations and remind yourself of the good things that you like about yourself. I have a list of compliments that other people have given me over the years and I reach for it when my husband's negativity gets me down.
Sending huge hugs, wish I could pop by with a milkshake and a Clint Eastwood movie (or whoever rocks your boat!)
Ys. I am controlled by fear and his anger. . I know. Im trying to find a clean way to make a break, keep my child in tact and "play nice". .kinda impossible in this realm. .
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
This is going to be a long hard fight especially
If he is active even if dry he probably would not
Play nice.
When my dry ex started chasing women he was
Filled with guilt and shame. He acted out like
A teenager and i got the brunt of it. His demons
Are his to bear and deal with. I am not God i
Can not fix him only myself.
I have lost my fear i still have plenty of anger
And some rage. I embrace my healthy anger
It fuels change, growing and facing my reality
And standing in my truth it is not comfortable
And it takes being and feeling safe.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel and
That is your HP to give you the strength, courage
and to Love you unconditionally also to offer
You hope.
all this "noise" he is making is the "alcohol talking. remember
J dont justify
a dont argue
d dont defend
e dont engage..... hope this helps because my ah is going through his mean phase right now and i try to use jade
