The material presented
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Hi everyone! I haven't posted in a few months but I do read everyone else's posts almost every day and find lots of strength and hope.
Just a little update: we closed on our house on Sept 10 and are all moved into our new condo which is a very nice place just a bit tight for the 4 of us but we are saving money by being here so that's the idea. The kids have the 2 bedrooms and my RAH and I are on a sofa bed so that's rough but the way I look at it is we have a roof over our heads.
My RAH has not drank in over 5 months and is very involved in AA. A huge feat for him. He also is currently working with decent money coming in. He comes home after work and has been good about calling if he's going to be late. I'm just trying to enjoy the almost normalcy. I say almost because I still would love for him to want to do more things with me: walks outside, out to dinner, movies, etc. I'm really a romantic at heart and he's just not like that with me I guess. I find myself asking "What is wrong with me" a lot. I find myself expecting too much again. Since he has money now I feel he should spoil me a bit for everything I've been through with him. But that's not the case. He said he is busy with his meetings at night but really I feel if he wanted to make the time he could. Instead he is on the Internet looking to buy a new cross bow for hunting.
So.....I started falling back to my old coping "skills." I started thinking what it would be like with someone else who genuinely likes my company and is head over heels for me. I started to wish for things to happen that I have no business wishing for. Everyone thinks I need to forget the past and move on. I guess I'm having a hard time because I never feel totally complete and get the feeling that I am missing out on so much. Then I feel ashamed at myself because my husband is not drinking and if he was there would be no marriage anyway. I just always feel like I want more.
((Roseanne)) You are so very human and I appreciate your honesty . I am happy your spouse has found sobriety and is attending AA. It is a long and difficult road for all of us. I know that I can easily identify with your share as I have often said that it took me 5 years to finally get back to "loving" my husband after the many years of alcoholism .
I found that I had to make the decision that I wanted to really give my marriage a chance after enduring the insanity of active alcoholism . That meant that I would try to use all alanon tools in the process. No projecting into the future, living one day at a time.being in the moment , gratitude and asset lists daily.
Meetings,the Steps, principles above personalities all helped me to put one foot in front of another and really appreciate the small gifts that sobriety offered.
It is progress not perfection and I assure you the new"love" was much stronger and more meaningful than the former romantic one I envisioned .
I agree with Betty - you are human and you can't always just 'shut off' that which you believe you want/need from another.
For me, when I get restless and begin to wonder what I am missing or why can't I have .... - I have to remind myself where I was and what's changed since beginning recovery.
I came to the program a broken person who felt punished by my HP based on what was stirring around me. I kept assuming I did something, or was doing many things that caused others to treat me as they did. I was stuck in every possible way - physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.
My answers have come through this program. If I am in 'need' of validation from another, it's on me. If I am believing I am not getting what I deserve or have earned, it's on me. If I am sad for where I am, it's on me. I have learned that with the help of HP, I can be, do, act and react any way I want/need to for my own peace, serenity, happiness or validation.
I've chosen to stay in my marriage, and with that decision came acceptance. I need to accept my AH exactly as he is, not wish for change, more, etc. If I find that becomes too hard or his actions threaten me/my sanity, then I will need to explore the next right thing. I am only able to do this one day at a time, with a spiritual guidance from my HP who I must align with each day, often many times in a day.
For me, I have to use the tools - sometimes many at a time - to change my perception and attitude about what really 'is'. My brain was wired to see what is not right with my world first. Can't say why, but that was my first reaction to anything - uh...oh. It has been a conscious effort to flip that around to what IS right with my world. I ask for guidance from God each morning as I know I am where I am because of him guiding me and I can't do 'it' alone!
I also had a very difficult time adjusting to 'peace' in my home. I was so used to trouble that I almost looked for it at times. Take care of you and keep working your program. That which feels unusual seems to settle when I stay focused on my program. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you both for your insight and encouragement. You have helped more than you know. It basically comes down to some hard choices that I am just not ready to make and yes, accepting my AH the way he is. I like the idea of the gratitude list. I do them in my head but I think putting it on paper might be better. I really do have so much to be grateful for that I am embarrassed to want more, to want the whole fairy tale romance thing. I need to accept that it may never happen and just live for today. I'm really trying. It's just some days are harder than others.
As I get older ... the need for romance dims. I think that as I get older my priorities change, now peace and dignity are more important. A few years back I would have felt the way you do. Makes you think, though, what really is most important? I totally understand how you feel and applaud you for sharing/trying to come to a better understanding of your needs and feelings.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Just hugs. I was wondering if you have told him how you feel and what you need, but I know what's quagmire that can be. Your desires dont sound like huge ones to ask. Just a little affection,some attention and intimacy. In and of themselves,these are normal wants, but its damn hard to realise them when there planted in alcoholism. I also think your feelings are valid and id be wanting the same thing had I raised children and worked two jobs because my loved one was ill. Id like to think id be on top of the amends list, but I can not think of one recovery experience where the wife ever is. Three c's to that one I guess. Sometimes I think when we,accept others we tend to also accept their perceptions of us if we are not careful. Sounds to me like there's a real lack of validation going on and so I want to remind you you're a caring, attractive, feminine woman with many assets. I hope you have some good friends and fun plans with or without the ah, and wish you a beautiful week.
Debb I really hope that my need for romance dims because I am not holding my breath here waiting for him that's for sure. That is a great question I need to ask myself: is it that important or is the fact he's not drinking and able to at least participate in helping out with the family more so? I guess I need to get my priorities in order.
A4l thank you so much for your kind words and complements. It's nice to be validated every so often. I have definitely made it known that I would like to do more things as a couple. Sometimes he just looks at me like I have 2 heads. I honestly think he thinks there's nothing wrong. I just don't know anymore. I do have good friends that I am constantly thanking God for. I don't know what I would do without them.
One thing I've learned both in my relationship with my XAH and with my relationship now with my current boyfriend (not an A), is that I am looking to someone else to meet my needs/desires/wants and I first had to determine if these were reasonable or unreasonable expectations from the person and then weigh each individual circumstance through prayer and working the steps. I had to decide just how important certain things were with my current boyfriend because he is wonderful in so many ways but he's not a romantic guy and not very touchy feely and I felt that I really needed that from him. I also wanted more communication from him when we had time apart. I realized that I truly did find his communication unacceptable and I actually had a very tough conversation with him just yesterday where I expressed my feelings, told him I miss him when he goes days without calling or not texting very much, and that I would like him to step up. I tried not to control or force my will: not sure if I came across perfectly but he understood my desires and he begged me to not take it personal and that his intention would never be to hurt me. He reached out twice today and it meant a lot to me, even if I think he's humoring me at this point, lol. But, it feels good to know that he cared enough to listen, to ask me gently to understand who he is and how very different we are from each other, and then for him to step up and actually try.
As for the physical touch stuff. I have accepted that that is who he is. I don't ask him for much more than he can give. Honestly, I've grown comfortable with him and with how he is and I accept it and I don't push him. My point is that for each scenario: I had to decide which things were important to me, the deal breakers so to speak. And, once I figured out which ones would be deal breaks, I addressed them and had a conversation about it with him.
So, I'm going to suggest that you use your program to help you decide what is really important to you at this moment. Is sobriety most important? Can you ask him to compromise and how much have you talked to him about it? Can you arrange for a short date to just go grab ice cream or a coffee just for an hour of time with him?
Also, my other piece of advice(my silly .02cents!) is this: live YOUR life. Find a new hobby, go out with friends from program for dinner or meet for coffee, go for walks with your kids or alone, etc. Live your life and maybe he'll join you one day or maybe he won't. I found that sitting around waiting for my XAH to join life with us was pointless. He wasn't capable of being there in that way for us and I had to learn to live life as a single mom, even though I was married. And, yes it sucked, but I accepted it and I threw myself into my own recovery and that helped me tremendously in finding acceptance. Hugs to you. I know it's hard but relationships are hard, whether you're married to an alcoholic or not.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thank you Andromeda. Everything you said makes a lot of sense. His sobriety is certainly most important. I definitely don't want to miss out on life. And you're right. If he wants to join us he's more than welcome. And if he doesn't, well that's out of my control.
