The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The C2C reading for November 9 speaks about finding creative solutions to impossible situation. It points out that living with the disease of alcoholism we develop destructive coping tools such as being extremely manipulative in order to get what we want. It points out that Alcoholism creates such a threatening environment that manipulation seems necessary in order to survive,
. With the help of Al-Anon we want to learn to do more than merely survive. That way manipulation becomes unnecessary because we are learning healthier ways to meet our needs and behave towards others.
Manipulation has been the normal part of my life for so long it is difficult to simply have a discussion or make a straight forward request because for years if I wanted someone to do the dishes, I tried to make them feel guilty by telling them how much I had done or explained that they never did their part. It never occurred to me that I could simply and politely ask for what I want
With the help of program ---. I am learning.
The quote is from "In all Our Affairs; "we just behave with personal integrity not because it will make someone else feel better, but because it reflects a way of living that enriches and heals us."
Thanks to alanon I love living by my newly defined principles.
Great timing!
Just a few minutes ago, at 11:30pm my daughter asked me if i would make her a milkshake. And I launched into an indignant speech about everything I had done today and how after all that I had grocery shopped and walked the dog and cooked dinner and washed up all while she played on her ipad and, and, and...really all I needed to say was "nope but you're welcome to make one for yourself" wasn't it?
So then after needing to justify to her why i was saying no by trying to make her feel guilty, then i felt guilty and had to resist the urge to make her the milkshake anyway.... good grief.
Talk about needing a simple program for complicated people lol!!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Lovely reading for today - thanks for the service and the great shares.
My active AS has asked for time with me and my AH. I can say that my first reaction last evening was oh....hell to the no!!!
My first reaction was based on past experiences, and when we are both asked for a conversation, it's always meant....baby on the way.
So, I had to turn my phone off for a bit and do some praying and meditating. It took me some time to come up with, "Are you OK? Is there an urgency involved?"
Needless to say, two short/small questions were much better than where my mind went!!!
I then turned my phone off and went to bed, and got a response that all is well, he is doing good and just wants to see us. I saw it this morning and just asked him to suggest a day and we'd work on it.
For me, learning how to be 'mature' and 'peaceful' with active A(s) has been a long, winding road. I don't know if there is some news that will be troubling, but projecting along those lines just will make me miserable and worried and what a waste of my energy, just for today.
So, this reading is so awesome - and so powerful for me. If I can practice living and acting based on my own integrity and values, everything else falls into place. I have to remember always that judging others is also not a good use of my time.
(((Hugs))) to all and happy Monday!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It seems like I use manipulation as a form of control like the silent treatment or I just don't speak at all. My step mom uses to use it on my dad for years. I guess I learned it from her. Not a good habit. She wasn't always my best role model. Nowadays I try not to engage but that doesn't mean I can't speak at all. The program works if I work it. Each day is a new day to practice & put my best forward. In doing so I usually have a pretty good day.
Great awareness Ms. M Thanks for sharing your wisdom.