The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I try to keep my expectations low as it only hurts me in the long run. Sometimes though it is the small things that hurt the most. When I am trying hard to have a relationship with the active A and they frequently don't show up, no phone call, text etc when they say they will or show up severely hung over . At that point I am no longer interested in spending any time with them. I have made progress though in my reactions. Several months ago I would have went ballistic trying to contact her to see where she was and engaging in a pointless go around about irresponsibility and would have spent the entire day upset. Today, I simply acknowledge my hurt feelings to myself of being disregarded once again, had a little cry, and went on with my day. There will always be expectations in any relationship, like mutual respect, consideration for my time and feelings etc. I do plan to tell her that I do not like my time being wasted if she cannot show up for an outing and that it hurts my feelings. This is not to induce any guilt but to simply put a voice to how it affect me with absolutely no expectation of any change other then voicing my needs.
So sorry Serenity, that you are feeling hurt. Expectations are tough on those of us who are dealing with an alcoholic. I personally do not have expectations at all, if the 'A' in my life is respectful, considerate and attentive, I consider it a good day. Just the way I live my life now. Usually go about my business and have very low expectations on a day to day basis, therefore I am rarely disappointed. I have accepted that this is the only way I can be productive and happy.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Thats progress. Good for you. Ive heard it said in alqnon that expectations are premeditated resentments. The next step might be having plan b when it comes to 5he a. So if you have plans, have a back up plan with someone else on stand by so that your living fully. No waiting about on an active alcoholic that would be insane i think. Boundaries are good too. So if calls are being ignkred then stop calling the person, a simple change in your own behaviour lets you keep living and serene.
Yes, I certainly had a back up plan and went about my day. Went for a nice long walk with my dog, watched a good movie, did some baking and misc chores I have been neglecting. I did not call, text or communicate in any way to see what was happening. There was nothing that needed to be communicated about, everyone knew the plan for the day, some just chose not to show up. I had a good day anyways, and although feel a little sad about it, that's ok too.
serenity47 - so sorry that it is how it is.....I have had to practice not wanting what I 'think' others have. I have spent a ton of my life comparing my insides to other people's outsides. It's such an apples to oranges view of life and not fair to me or the other person(s). Everybody has something.
I do not expect my As to act like they don't have this disease. That right there will make me sad and resentful. When I start to think that way, I have to turn to the program and the literature as it's as unrealistic as if I were to ask them to just stop drinking. We act as we do because of this disease. They do too. I just do the best I can to have a plan B, plan C or other if I make plans and it goes different than planned/desired.
It's a practice thing - and you did great. Each time you choose you, that sadness you feel after will become less. You will grow in strength and you will realize exactly what the next best thing is in the moment and in the day.
What I've found is as I've focused on doing my own thing, setting my boundaries and changing plans when they show up under the influence or hung-over, it happens less....we either see each other less, make plans less or they plan for the event and are more enjoyable to be around. It's not consistent....
Keep working your program and working on you. Things will continue to change and improve. You are worthy and worth it!! So very proud of you for going about your day and enjoying it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
