The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't been coming here as much as I probably should or need to.I keep telling myself that my weekly f2f meeting,and that group of people 'should' be enough,that I need to just keep my focus on those meetings and reading the literature and working the steps in between,which I have been doing.
It is not enough though and if I am completely honest,I don't feel like I am getting anything from the f2f meetings anymore.It's not at all like it was when I first started attending meetings there.I used to leave feeing refreshed,renewed,hopeful.I used to feel a part of the group,like I fit in,like I belonged there,like it was a family,and I really admired everyone there,felt they were all so strong and had something that I wanted.I learned something new each time just by listening to all of them share.
Now,I leave meetings wondering why I keep going back.I don't feel I am benefitting by attending.It's a small group,the same people each week,saying the same things.I see them all differently now that all the 'newness' has worn off.I see them stuck in the same issues,week after week,I know what their shares will be about before they start speaking because they're always the same and I find myself tuning out during their shares,wanting them to just shut up,and glad when they're finished.I always hope for something new,something different,but it's always the same.
I read the literature,read the Forum magazine and I wish my meetings were like some of the things I read.I wish I could say they have really turned my life around,that I am with a group of very caring,helpful people,but I can't honestly say that.Nearly a year I have been attending and I have yet to make any friends there.I have tried having conversations with them,have even called a few on the contact list and I have not found anyone that I can relate to.
I wish I felt I could count on having someone when I am struggling,someone I could call,that would be able to just listen,maybe validate what I am feeling.I wish there was someone I would want to be my sponsor.I wish a lot of things.
The only thing I feel I CAN count on is chaotic meetings with lots of crosstalk,the same shares being made each week,the same few people in the spotlight,putting all the focus and attention on themselves with shares that drag on and on and on.
I feel ashamed to be saying these horrible things,but it's how I feel.And it happens to be the only meeting that is close to where I live.
I don't know what to do.I am not sure if I need to take a break from going for awhile,in the hopes I will miss it or realize I do need to attend,if I need to start attending meetings here regularly or just try to work the program on my own,by myself.
Is it possible to feel a connection and benefit behind a screen without actual f2f interaction?
I am not sure what I am doing or what I should do.I am not even sure if it's just me,whether I even have the right to think and feel the way I do.Something needs to change though because showing up for the f2f meetings week after week and trying to force myself to feel or think differently isn't working.
SS, under the circumstances, I would definitely choose another f2f group, you can do that. Coming on and talking with us here on MIP is always a good thing to do as well as going to your f2f, and working the steps on your own and on this board, has helped me alot.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
((SS)) Been there and do understand. You could ask for a group business meeting to address this issue or you can do like most alanon folk vote with your feet and leave.
WSO will provide a Group Inventory work sheet that would prove helpful in this situation.
On line meeting here are great so if you can not find a substitute please choose MIP for a time You are not alone.
Thanks for the replies.I wasn't quite sure how my honesty would be received.I actually feel so much better by putting it out there and saying how I truly feel in my post.
I was feeling like maybe I just wasn't doing something right and that's why the f2f meetings were no longer helping.Sometimes(well,a lot of times actually) I have a hard time doing things I feel inside are right for me without getting input from others first,almost like I need 'permission' to feel or think a certain way.Like it's not okay to stop attending meetings I am not happy with without 'permission'....sigh....
I have been to a few meetings here,and I did like them,but I don't think I have attended a full one yet,so I will have to do that.
What struck me from your post is that you can see that the folks at your face to face meetings are staying stuck in the same place. I think that I was very lucky to meet some people in Alanon face to face who were clearly getting on with their lives in a positive way despite living with an alcoholic. Is there a lesson in what you are noticing?
The other thing that struck me was you questioning whether or not you have the right to feel as you do. I hope you know that you have every right to your feelings and I think that it is great that you can question whether something is working for you or not. I recently stopped the joint sessions my husband and I were having with a counsellor because they were negative and draining my energy. I felt a bit guilty about it, but I know that I made the right call for myself (and I suggested that we review the situation in two months time, so taking a little time out does not have to be for ever).
I think that one of the benefits of face to face is the knowledge that we are investing some time in doing something positive for ourselves. It is difficult for me to attend many in person meetings because of where I live, so I try to gift myself that time in other ways.
Every group has it's challenges after all none of us got to where we are by chance and change is really hard when a group becomes so stagnate. I have witnessed it much more in Alanon than I have seen at the open AA meetings I attend. It's unfortunate that smaller communities do not offer more meetings. I was an outsider from a different place with similar pain however new blood brings fresh perspectives. That is SO important, that's why the newcomers are such a blessing. It's an opportunity to get unstuck. If you like the group .. you can always put yourself out there and see what happens obviously 3 P's would totally apply. Pause, pray and proceed in the direction that best suits your needs. If no one steps up and says hey let's do something different people will remain where they are because it's easier to stay there than change.
My sponsor came from the outside in and I want you to know she is the one who made things happen and changed the direction of the program and where it was going. She had different ideas that at first were not well received, she suggested through a group consciousness meeting that the group there start a book study. She also suggested that they needed an additional meeting that was focused strictly on How Alanon Works book and we could add other material however this was a good place to be and if she knows this or not she shot some new fuel into some of the other long timers for new and different changes.
Without her stepping up and saying hey we have the opportunity to do things different that wouldn't have happened, so you could see this as service work too. It's not your job to fix the meeting .. however aren't we all responsible for making sure that things stay fresh and new.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
My group stagnated too, many people dropped Out so eventually we changed the format. Much Healthier and many more newcomers, they are Now welcomed and They will actually Speak.
We had two controllers that wanted to run the mtg. They did the same thing, same old stuff. One Woman was the cross talk cop and she discouraged Newcomers from returning with her attitude.
Now we have a format from a well run Mtg. Different people do the opening and they get To pick the topic. Cross talk and sharing time is in The opening statement and our mtg now one hour.
I did find i had to discern after mtgs there are still Unhealthy people there so i just keep my distance From them. I tidy up, chat to who i want to, try to Welcome newcomers. Other than that go about my business. i am the librarian, i go to business mtgs.
-- Edited by Mirandac on Saturday 7th of November 2015 11:03:50 PM
Here is a sample of the group inventory sheet that would be helpful
This Guideline may be photocopied. AL-ANON guidelines The Shared Experience Of Al-Anon and Alateen Members. Taking a periodic group inventory helps to keep your group healthy and invigorated. Members can use the inventory to discuss new service opportunities and address major or minor concerns before the group's unity is disrupted. Listed below are methods for taking a group inventory along with an inventory checklist.
A B C D MY VIEW OF THE GROUP Does everyone have a chance to participate in service to the group?
Do we criticize others in the group or gossip about them? Are we forming cliques or being indifferent to other members of the group?
Do I pressure the group to accept my ideas because I have been in the fellowship a long time or for any other reason?
Does the group follow the suggested Al-Anon/ Alateen meeting format?
Do we make sure newcomers have at least one members telephone number, a schedule of local meetings and some Al-Anon/Alateen literature?
Do we let newcomers know what sponsorship is and how to obtain a sponsor?
Do we keep our meetings fresh and interesting in order to retain our longtime members?
Does our group undertake service projects on its own or in conjunction with the district, information service or area?
Do we have a literature display of Conference Approved Literature (CAL)?
Do we regularly reorder CAL?
Do we have a group lending library? Is our group active and supportive at the district and area levels?
Do we send representatives and financial contributions to local and area service arms as well as the World Service Office (WSO)?
Do we support the information service office? Does the group leave the meeting room in an acceptable manner?
MY VIEW OF OUR WEEKLY MEETINGS
Is there a chairperson each week? Are our meetings interesting and helpful?
Do we encourage everyone to participate in the discussions by sharing and listening?
Do we refrain from giving advice? Do we make good use of our Conference Approved Literature and The Forum for themes and subjects of meetings?
