Did you have a talk with your son? I always thought it would almost be a blessing that my son would get to see his dad and his behavior so he would know how bad it was, but I don't know how much of a role he will really play. I want him to think his dad is awesome and great. I know I only have so much time before those formative years start and if I think no alcohol is the way to go I need to make that important.

It's not a blessing in disguise for a child to see an alcoholic in action as a visible lesson as to why not to drink. Many alcoholics grew up in alcoholic homes. Children who grow up with alcoholics may not drink themselves but will have to numb somehow.

This may sound cruel or be an unpopular view, but if the father has little to do with the boy, that is great. That may be my resentment talking lol. I would protect children from alcoholic behavior first and foremost, no questions asked, no exceptions. It's a harsh disease all round. Brutal way to grow up.

If your son is less than one year old I assume it couldn't have been very long since you and his alcoholic father separated. Right now, you are probably still recovering from all the shock, pain, fear and hurt, and the substance of alcohol might have a strong charge for you. Alcohol itself is not really the problem, it's an inert, neutral substance that exists in the world. You can take it or leave it. Notice you're not worried about whether to expose your son to sugar, cocaine, dirt, diamonds or fabric softener. Those substances don't have a charge for you, they are a non-issue, you don't even have to spend time thinking about them. Alcohol can be like that. Unless you yourself are an alcoholic, over time, alcohol itself will hold less of a charge for you. Right now alcohol symbolizes the hell you've just been through with his dad, and it symbolizes the terror that your little boy will also be an alcoholic. As you heal, that will pass.

I remember when my babies were little, baby massage was a big thing. Touch is great for little bodies. In the instructions, they said when you're massaging, don't give undue attention to the genitals. Don't over-massage them but don't avoid them either. Because babies are soaking everything in from the word go, we were advised not to give them any subconscious message that their genitals were any different than, say, their foot.

I think the ideal way to raise kids is like that in all areas. Don't give undue attention to alcohol or alcoholism. Don't focus on it massively but don't ignore it either. As your baby grows, you can explain alcoholism to him in age appropriate ways. Alcoholism is a fact of his life: his father is an alcoholic, his father may be absent due to alcoholism. By the time your son is a young man, if he understands alcoholism, he will have due respect for alcoholism' ferocity, danger and tragedy as a disease. If he understands it deeply he will have compassion for his father while still acknowledging the reality of what his father is capable of. He can learn consciously and in a balanced way, without having huge emotional surges about it - he can be informed. You can give that to him and you will, because you are here, learning, as we speak. One day your wounds will give way to clarity and insight about it all.

Because both my parents are alcoholics, I did not drink. I knew by my late teens that I was not an alcoholic, via experimentation, yet alcohol was such a charged substance for me and I so badly didn't want to be like my folks, I never touched it. I never wanted my children to see me drunk. They weren't exposed to any alcohol til they were 10+. But alcohol still ruled me, it still had power over me. Now I drink occasionally, I have alcohol in the house occasionally, I enjoy a drink or two with friends if the circumstance calls for it, and there is no issue either way. I didn't want to demonize alcohol itself to them either. I'd rather model balance.

So if you aren't an alcoholic, as your baby is growing up, my advice would be for you to have whatever relationship with alcohol is right for you. Want to pop champagne on new years eve? Why not? Want to abstain for a decade? Go right ahead! Have a healthy, authentic relationship with alcohol in front of your son and that is what he will learn. If you can be neutral around alcohol and you are his primary caregiver, he need not have any extreme relationship with it either way himself.

Nobody knows yet, if alcoholism is environmental or genetic, nature or nurture. So don't hold that gun to your own head his entire childhood.

Slow down just a little here .. Your son is almost 1 and has a long beautiful life ahead of him. I would really encourage you to slow down and just enjoy the present moment. While you are doing that take really terrific care if yourself. Go find an Alanon program and just work on you. What you have been blessed with is a little person who will hand thoughts and feelings of his own. He is going to respond to his surroundings. That's why as a patent especially I have to get better .. What Alanon taught me if it's good for me it's good for my kids. I'm a single mom .. Their dad is not involved .. He contributes financially and from time to time contacts them. I don't regret leaving .. Alanon helped me make that ultimate decision that I'm responsible for .. No one told me I should .. Living with an alcoholic was leaving scars no one else could see on my family. After all dad drinks what's wrong with mom. I found out I was doing damage on my kids and didn't know it beats I was so angry and scared. You your son and possibly your spouse will all benefit from you going to Alanon don't expect recovery to be a straight line. Lol. It's different for everyone. Hugs keep coming back.

Wishing the best for you 123!