The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was really struggling last night with my AH's drinking. I knew in my head that I should be able to detach, not let it get to me, don't engage, all the stuff I read about and hear about in Al-Anon. He isn't a mean drunk, he is more the needy, fishing for praise and attention, talkative and often know-it-all type. He can be argumentative and he can take offense easily. He has "GREAT" ideas when he drinks that I must hear about and share his enthusiasm in. He can also be very negative in regards to his sore back and his Type II diabetes and his allergies. I try to stay up beat and positive. I try to be kind in my words and empathetic in my heart but sometimes the sarcasm comes out of my mouth and I chase after the words but its too late. Dang...I did it again.
In my before bed reading last night I picked up one of the volumes of Getting Them Sober and read a paragraph that hit me so hard. It is resonating in my head this morning and I know I need to delve deeper in to this. It is regarding contemptuous attitudes and feelings and how bad they are for us to foster. That is what I feel welling up in me and causing me great discomfort and discord in my relationship. The contempt that is being allowed to fester and grow in my head and heart is wreaking havoc in my mind and my marriage. This is the Holier Than Thou syndrome. It is disrespectful and generally not nice.
How does one stop these thoughts and feelings? How does one change their mind and the condition of their heart? I never want to be a hurtful person, especially to my husband who I do love very much. I guess this is the time to put action to the knowledge I have been accruing since March when I went to my first Al-Anon meeting. And I guess an amends will soon be coming.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Sounds like a powerful awareness and acceptance of a hidden defect I too found that defect , as well as my sarcasm buried deep within The 4th through 10th step helped greatly. I do note that now as I work a 10th step each night before bed I have observed that I am less and less likely to do that defect lately. Progress not perfection
Hi Bethany
If I understand you correctly, you're asking how you can listen to and engage with drunk "I-know-it-all-poor-me-everything-you-say-is-offensive-me-me-me-me-me" stuff, and not become resentful or unkind.
I know that I can't. If I spend a lot of time with other people's negativity and self pity and sniping, I eventually regress and fire back.
I think "to change the mind and the condition of one's heart" (which is a beautiful way of putting it, by the way), one needs to be disciplined in keeping the mind and heart in a positive place more often than a negative place, and when living with an overwhelmingly negative person, the only way to do that is to physically limit the time you spend around that negativity.
For me, the way that worked was, as soon as I felt uncomfortable or unhappy in his presence, I excused myself. It was important to make it about ME and how I felt rather than about HIM and what HE was doing. So, if I found being near him when he was acting a certain way was making me feel crappy, I would remove myself by either leaving the vicinity or alternately putting on headphones and letting him know I was busy studying or watching a show etc. And being mindful that I was doing it not because his behaviour was "wrong" (which just fosters more resentment) but because I was not enjoying his company at all at that moment and had the right to remove myself from it.
I found that when I began to establish honest boundaries, I was truly delighted to find the resentment went away and I felt a lot more able to enjoy my partner when he was in a positive and engaging mood. As an example, this isn't the same but it's a simplistic illustration, I was so, so very angry that my partner would not wash dishes and left a big mess for me constantly. So one day I went and bought myself a nice new set of dishes and I kept them in a separate cupboard and after that, I didn't care that he had a pile of dirty dishes in his room any more. I had my nice new clean dishes and thus I was no longer angry or concerned with what he did with his dirty dishes...I know you weren't talking about dishes but do you see what I mean? You can step out of the muck he is stuck in and find new things for yourself instead of engaging in the same old battles and trying to find a way to win or weather them.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thank you Betty and Mel. Your responses are very helpful. And sometimes it is just nice to be heard without anyone twisting my words or taking offence! I appreciate the time you take to read and really listen.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
What a great topic and I am certain all can relate - I know I can....
Working the program and the steps helped me to be more able/ready to endure that which proved impossible before the program. This is one of those situations for me that I would have made myself heard and said all kinds of things in a self-righteous manner that would have been way beyond anything remotely sane.
When I am spiritually fit and using all that this program offers me, I can tolerate these moments better. However, as MissMel suggests, there is a point of 'can't take it any more' for me. And, it is through this program that I've learned it is about me, my boundaries and not about them/the disease. As has been told to me over and over, the program is about working on me and improving me. The disease and my qualifiers are not changing, I am - so self-care is not an option - it's a priority. I too will remove myself physically if needed or mentally if possible (means I act as if I am listening, but I am praying).
I will retreat to my bedroom, my office, the bathroom, let the dog out, get a glass of water - anything necessary that gives me a break from that moment so that I can regroup vs. react.
Only speaking for my home, all of my qualifiers have walked out or turned their backs on me at various points in our lives together...having said that, I am not attempting to even the score - just stating that we all have a breaking point as we are all human. I used to think I needed to be the 'adult' in every situation, take the high road, etc. What I've come to learn is that we are all human, and I have every right to take a break from any situation that makes me uncomfortable or restless.
We don't have to endure that which keeps us still. The program tells me I have every right to be happy, joyous and free. I no longer have to tolerate situations that are intolerable. I've learned to use grace most of the time, but still self-protect as needed.
(((Hugs))) to all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I agree with MissM Bethany, I limit the time of exposure to the negativity. My AH acts exactly like yours does. I do understand what you are talking about, when I first found MIP, my first question to everyone was "How do I stop my anger towards my AH"? Great ESH and question, thank you!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Thank you for this thread Bethany, I can relate to what you are describing.
I am grateful to have learnt that it is ok for me to have boundaries and that I feel much more like my normal positive self when I limit my exposure to draining behaviour.
