The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this. I have alcoholics in my family my whole life. My ex husband had an alcoholic tendancy, and personality. That lasted 10 years. I was also with a guy who didn't drink, but after 18 years of raising my kids and him not committing, I ended that too.I was alone for 6 years until my neighbors live in girlfriend left him for the 3rd time due to his drinking. I never heard him be violent, he drank, but not to access, she just didn't like it and would not let up. He knows he has a problem with it. and after she left he went binge-ing. His son was here with him for the summer, he too said his dad has had a problem. I have found I am a co dependent and enabler because we began hanging out, and getting close.I stronger feelings for him. than he for me. He was up front and said he was not in love with me, I am his best friend. I was there for him when no one else was.I helped him , I drove him to work and got him many times . I would take him to get beer because I knew he would just take a cab and spend money he did not have bar hopping. I felt it better if he had to drink to do it at home. And once the beer was gone that was it. He goes to a bar he just keeps the debit card moving. He lost his liscense due to dwi and being in jail for 2 years 3 years ago.. Why I did not run the other direction is what I ask myself. We just hit it off. I drink, but I have an off switch , he does not, He will pass out. We started a physical relationship as well a friends with benefits situation. Having been alone for so long I just fell hard. We practically lived together especially after his son went back home to this guys ex wife. to go back to college. I had to take him to the hospital one day he was detoxing bad trying to quit and had to go on i.v. too much has happened to even begin to get into, but I got involved big time. His family sent him to rehab 1000 miles away. I did not hear from him at all for a month. come to find out he was in teleconference with his family and the ex, he got home and it was a week before I get a text from him. She and he are back together. My heart is breaking , I cry every night. I am trying to get over him, as much as I want to call or text him I am not. It is very hard. I went to a couple alanon meetings and online meetings. I am not going any more because he and I are apparently nothing now. That is what hurts the most. In the back of my mind I suspected this would happen. He keeps going back to her because she keeps taking him back. The kicker is he and I have so many things in common they do not. He said the timing sux if he met me three years ago things would be different. Yea, that makes me feel a whole lot better not. I am just really hurting right now. I go for my three mile walks every night. I just lost close to 100lbs and I do not want the stress of this to cause me to gain it all back. Carbs are my alcohol so I know addiction. I just had nightly cry , tonight was particularily hard because it is so nice out, if he were here we would be out on my porch with him playing his guitar, me singing, sadly drinking, but having a blast of a good time. I miss those days. He had to move back to his parents house because he could not make the bills here alone. His cable was off so he would come watch t.v. with me. He only started binging when she decided she did not like him seeing other people or me. Told him she was done, would come back spend a night get his hopes up then tell him she is done. Then I get to pick up the pieces. Now I am in pieces and not one to pick mine up. This is where I am . I am lonely, hurt and confused why she in particular keeps playing this game and he keeps falling for it. And I fell for his.
Welcome Charleen I am sorry to read that you are hurting and would like to note that Heartbreak" is well know feeling among members who live with or have lived with the disease of alcoholism. Alcoholism is a chronic spiritual , physical and emotional disease that is progressive and can be arrested but never cured. AA is the recovery program for the drinker and alanon is the recovery program for family members. You see that by living with the disease we too develop many destructive coping tools that we need to discard in order to build a successful life.
I noted that you did have an inner voice that cautioned you t be careful in the relationship and you disregarded it. This is our disease-. We focus on others and abandon ourselves.
Alanon 's hot line number is listed in the white pages and face to face meetings are held in most communities. I urge you to attend and keep coming back here. You are worth it.
Welcome Char724, I too must urge you to join a local Al-anon group, because it is there that you will learn why you chose these types of people and relationships. http://al-anon.org/find-a-meeting Wishing you success and peace.
-- Edited by Debb on Tuesday 3rd of November 2015 06:53:40 PM
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I am sorry that you're having a hard time right now. Just over a week ago my XABF blew up our life and then cut me out out of his, leaving me to pick up all the pieces. A week later and I'm trying to let things go because they just aren't worth me trying to figure out and drive myself crazy over. I have gone through plenty of emotions where I'm angry at myself and feel stupid for getting fooled by him. And then I've been sad and cried over the loss. But I have found that it does get better...today I cried less than yesterday. I have just been setting small goals for myself. This way if I don't meet my goal I am not super disappointed in myself, but if I do make it then I feel like I accomplished something. I found this forum has been immensely helpful. It gives me something to read and consider when there are times I need to free my mind from the negative of the XABF. It also gives me an outlet where I can say some things and hopefully let them go! Take care of yourself (((hugs)))
Hello darling and welcome to our wonderful boards. Sounds like you've got two minds in all this, confusion perhaps? On the one hand your feelings for this person defend and justify him, on the other your feelings for yourself are willing to take an honest look at what codependency is. I am personally a fan of the voice for team me. Alanon meetings are for us. Regardless of who we have attracted into our lives or not, alanon is for us. The thing about being with alcoholics is we learn some behaviours which are self harming. Me, I'm a clinger. I find letting go very difficult, emotionally if not physically. A person can live in my head and heart rent free for years. I found solace in alanon because I am not alone on this. Many others struggle with the same issues and we all pass along our Experience,Strength and Hope from all along the line. Its a place where we focus on ourselves with the support of others. We can focus on the things that happened, or the process underneath it or both. Keep coming back, change happens when we make changes. ((charleen))
