The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Not sure if I spelled that right. I live in Wasington. I am now here in Rochester MN at the Mayo clinic with my husband. He has a heart condition, we think. When he started feeling sick about 10 months ago he stopped drinking out of here. I forgot he was still an alcoholic. My life has been crazy. Reacting all over the place. They have excellent Alanon meetings here. I had once again the same epiphany I've had many times before. I am a Martyr. I have a program he does not. He is a sick person as I am. Today I will start my new day fresh and try to be as kind as possible and not react to his stuff, which I do have to remember it's his stuff. The problem is I take on his stuff and turn it inward and feel like I'm not important or don't matter. Quite frankly even though were at the Mayo clinic and he is ill I am tired of the way I am treated. I've been treated like this for many years so his illness is just making him more obnoxious. But I can't change him, I can only change me. This month I will have been in Alanon for 12 years. I'm tired. I'm at a point where I'm realinzing maybe I'm done with all the manipulation, verbal and emotional abuse. I've been giving it my best shot but don't know if I can go on. I surround myself with positive people and he is the only one I allow to suck the life out of me. I feel trapped, like I can't spread my wings and fly and be free. I sure hope we get to leave the Mayo clinic soon. This Wednesday will be 14 days and it looks like were having to stay longer. I do what I can to take care of me first and foremost. I know a lot of you understand this but I'm scared to death to me alone and scared to death to leave. My therapist said I have a very low tolerance to separation due to my childhood abandonment. Anyways my fellow Alanon friends I wish you all well and have a good day. Hugs, Lynn
(((lucymae))) - huge hugs for you. So sorry for your current circumstances and the pain. I do completely understand how you are feeling - I had worked up my strength to leave about 3 years ago, and my husband also fell ill with heart issues/disease. He's had 3 stents, 2 heart attacks and then triple bypass.
I had to do a ton of soul-searching for my answers, and work closely with my sponsor. I felt to honor me, and my vows that my best choice at the time was to stay and be of service. He also gave up most of the boozing because of heart disease. But, his isms remain, his tongue is sharp, he is depressed and just not fun to live with most days.
I see that you are in Al-Anon...yay for you. How cool that they have great meetings where you are! That's a gift it seems when I read that. I love how you can 'see' things you don't like in your current situation and want to change them. I also applaud you for bringing it back to 'just today' - you are doing the next right thing and leaning into your program. Keep doing that and get back of level ground and then examine what makes sense for you, your life, etc.
Great post and my hope is by sharing you got a bit of peace/relief. I will hold you and your hubby in prayers!
(((hugs))) again - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Prayers and positive thoughts going out for you and your family. Staying detached and treating everyone with courtesy and respect keeps me focused on my own best interests while I attempt to be supportive .
Please make sure to take care of yourself by doing some fun activity and coming back here to share.
Lucymae, I am so glad you came here to share. As I, too, have experienced, dealing with a sick alcoholic ... illnesses ... hospitalizations ... moods ... is more than most of us can bear.
It's wonderful that they have Al-Anon meetings at the clinic. Congratulations on sticking with the Al-Anon program for 12 years. I hope you know you are not alone, and that things can get better. Reaching out to others who understand, is a lifeline. We deserve to take care of ourselves.
I love your honesty, thats what i love most about alanon folk, how they can see the truth. The truth can be a sneaky thing, for years i avoided it but i love it now and it still sneaks up and surprises me at times.
It sounds like you know what you need to make your life better. detaching, setting boundaries, not accepting unacceptable behaviour are all tools that we owe ourselves for our lives. Our duty is to our own lives first and foremost because anything else is usually fear based, a lie, enabling, distorted thinking justified perfectly.x
Lynn!! I could have written all of this (except the heart issues and being at the hospital) I feel your heart - I have been wondering if I can deal with this much longer also. I feel so alone. I'm starting to think that the active A just cannot "give" of themselves, so being in a marriage or relationship with one is a very sad, lonely place to be. I have hope when I see how others' A's have sought a program and are no longer in denial...but then I see the denial in my AH and realize it is going to take something mighty big to make him realize. I also have abandonment issues due to a "biological father" who didn't want me or my sister. I only recently realized how messed up this has helped me to be. Everyday I have to remember that I can only change myself, with the help of my HP. Some days this so easier than others.
I'm sorr that you are struggling right now. Please remember you are not alone. Hugs!!
Mahalo Lucymae, that also really brought up great memories for me especially memories of getting the "Just for Today" pamphlet from literature and then memorizing it so on a daily basis I had the blue print of what to do. I was a martyr myself...self suffering...standing at the stake within a roaring fire with the matches in my hand...LOL. I got a suggestion I took long ago when It was suggested that I hand a journal writing over to my alcoholic/addict wife about how I was feeling about the disease and then going off to enjoy the day. For me it worked because the pain of internalizing and holding the negative thoughts and feelings was killing me. Its called getting honest with the alcoholic and addict...great relief. I didn't stay to discuss it or argue the points...just handed it over and walked away. Keep coming back...Martyr's make great angels. ((((hugs))))
Wow my fellow Alanon friends! Just to know I'm not alone in this fight brings me some comfort. Thank you so much for all of your support. It's so hard helping and taking care of your spouse when your so confused about your marriage. It's been a long hard journey. I don't know where God will lead me.
Yes, at some point I may have to accept the fact the disease is winning and may God give me the courage to move on. This morning I'm very very sad. I know this too shall pass.
((Lynn)) Living with and dealing with the disease of alcoholism I believe that measuring " winners"is s waste of time. My son found sobriety at 19 built a fantastic successful life (A winner I thought) and then because this disease is chronic and progressive decided, at age 36 he could drink.-- He died from the disease within 3 years.
Having no expectations and acceptance of life on life's term has enabled me to live with courage, serenity and wisdom.
Talking with your hubby and explaining how you would like to be treated could work
