The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My sister has been sober for a few years now but has stopped going to meetings and working her program. We have a business together so need to have interaction. She used to apologize when she said something that hurt me. Since not working a program, she is mean. It seems I'm always defending myself with her as she's making nasty remarks or putting me down. I wouldn't have anything to do with her if we didn't have our business. Sometimes I'll answer the phone and she's a normal person you can have a conversation with. But in the middle of a conversation I seem to say just the wrong thing and she goes off on me and then hangs up. We've gone weeks and possibly a month or two without talking. When she's mad at me for WHATEVER reason, she puts me on call-reject. She won't answer my calls so I leave a message hoping she'll get back to me with the needed information I inform her of.
I've overheard one of her conversations with her friend saying how much she hates me. She'll call me at work and go off on me then hang up. I end up shaking and can't work or think.
I don't know what to do with all of this. We used to be close but I find myself hating her for being so mean. Even when my boyfriend tried to talk to her about health issues I was having, she ripped him a new one. She seems proud of this ability.
How does one interact with this kind of abusive person? I don't want to, but have to because of our business. Any suggestions?
Welcome Cindy1954 - glad you found us and glad you are here.
The disease of alcoholism is powerful, progressive and selfish. Whether the person is still drinking or not, left untreated, many of the isms continue or return.
The best suggestion I have is that you seek out local Al-Anon meetings, where you can find like minded persons and gain some support and tools for managing your situation. You are not alone - mine act like this too, and while it seems easy for them to blame and target us for their unhappiness, it's truly one of many symptoms of the disease.
Keep coming back and know that we are here. There are also meetings here twice daily - check the times in the upper left hand corner. The link to the meeting room is also located with the schedule.
(((Hugs))) to you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Oh boy, this is tough. I agree that more program could provide tools to help cope with this very challenging situation.
Ultimately I wonder whether there is a way you could go your own way with regards to the business - get a separate job, or whatever needs to be done. However great our coping skills, being stuck dealing with an unpredictable and abusive person would be a challenge for anyone.
But considering that path doesn't have to happen now. With the tools of Al-Anon you'll be in a good position to think through all your options at the right time. I hope you can find a good meeting near you.
((Welcome Cindy)) I support both suggestions Search out alanon face to face meetings so you can develop new constructive tools to live by and then consider dissolving the business arrangement
No psychological tool exists that would make you feel deeply OK in an abusive situation. The pain you feel is a signal from your inner self that something is not right here, alerting you that action must be taken. If you had chronic back pain and masked it with pain killers, the injury could not heal. It would get worse and worse. The pain killers would eventually not be strong enough to override the pain messages. You're better off having an x-ray (stating the problem, which you have done here) acknowledging that it's there and then going about practical steps to heal it. Recuperation hurts so you're choosing which pain you'd prefer: the pain of betraying yourself and allowing yourself to be abused or the pain of growth and wholeness.
You have a double whammy of topics that classically keep people stuck. Money and family are both involved. Livelihood and family connection. These are big ones and life has organized a big challenge for you to overcome the classic fears that drive most people. You must be ready. Kudos.
The prostitute archetype is in all of us. It sells us out, sells our souls, compromises our integrity, for money. It's what makes women stay with abusive men for the financial security. it's what makes big business employ child labor tactics or destroy the environment or hoard all the wealth, too - actions that don't align with their souls but their souls are irrelevant to the prostitute archetype, who puts money above all else. It's the reason people stay in jobs they hate, go into careers they can't shine in, it even drives ppl to embezzle. The prostitute archetype has a good message for us: money and security are important. But when it is making money and security more important than ANYTHING ELSE, we need to prick up our ears and take a look at what's controlling us.
I know there are many, many, very good reasons to stay in this business and stay aligned with your sister. The parts of your mind that are programmed for security and family will give you an endless list of logical reasons to stay where you are and try to fix the situation from within using tactics like self help or getting your sister back to meetings. Keep in mind that there is a strong chance she will relapse if she continues this way. Be preparedffor that. She may have already and been hiding it.
But all these good reasons to stay are ultimately excuses you have been taught to produce, excuses designed to rob you of your power, integrity, joy, peace and possibility.
You have a lot of options open to you here. Don't worry about your sister's meetings or recovery. See if you can get involved in alanon or in therapy. Some people would have left the first time she verbally abused them. Why didn't you? Be curious, this isn't about blame or shame. Investigate your responses. How's your self esteem right now?
You'll find a lot of wonderful things inside.
-- Edited by hiraeth on Friday 6th of November 2015 06:59:32 PM
-- Edited by hiraeth on Friday 6th of November 2015 07:05:34 PM
__________________
You are young, my son, and, as the years go by, time will change and even reverse many of your present opinions. Refrain therefore awhile from setting yourself up as a judge of the highest matters. Plato
