The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I'm struggling again. My next F2F meeting is Wednesday and my AH is actively drinking again. He just finished up probation on his 2nd DUI in 3 years and tonight was the worst he's been in awhile. I have my daughter here this evening so I was doing all I could do to keep him happy and not getting angry with me. Needless to say, that only aggravated him more. He kept begging me to tell him it's over and how he's goin to get his a$& chewed tomorrow. My daughter ended up in bed extra early Just to avoid his sneers. This is what I'm tired of, so tired. I haven't learned how to act the following day. I've always gave him what for and that's obviously not working. So I just quit bringing it up the next day...and that's not working.He's finally asleep and this is the first time in 4hrs I have peace. If I don't engage it angers him, if I answer questions it angers him. I just don't know what to do. I used to take the kids and leave but I realize all that did was cost me money and put a burden on us the next day to get to work or school. if he would just go to bed when he is drinking it would be less stressful, I think. I don't know, nothing seems to give me peace.
Thank you for having a name that stands out from those inconvenient spammers!
I remember that dance that you are describing and I hear acceptance of 'what is' in your post. I used to remind myself that the anger was not about me and that since there was nothing I could reason with not engaging was the best option for me - the fact that it irritated my husband was not really my problem and if he wanted to engage with me it needed to be a positive experience for me. Yes, that meant that we rarely engaged, but it helped to break my desire for engagement at any price and made me a stronger, more independent lady.
Finding and doing things that I enjoyed gave me a level of peace that was mine to own, regardless of whatever mood my husband was in.
I do remember my AH doing the same thing to me as well. I learned how to detach with love and empathy but also I learned how to not care. Seems cold, but it was the only way I knew how to totally detach.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
(((Hope))) - yikes.....what a night and I hope (ha.ha) that you wake up hopeful for a new day!
I too remember the dance. I would often go to another room, take a walk, go get milk, etc. - do anything to interrupt the dance. In the beginning, when I returned, it would start up again. It took a while but the more I refused to acknowledge, engage, react - the shorter the dance. It's not easy, and I remember vividly the stress my body felt as well as the racing in my mind...
So sorry that you are where you are. I can say that I took my peace any way I could get it. If that meant acting as if nothing was wrong the next day, then that's what I did. I just chose to stop battling a disease that was stronger than I. So, I would just get up and go on about my day doing what I needed to do and seeking happiness, peace and serenity.
For me in this disease and in my recovery, I've had to let go of so many things. So many unanswered questions, so many unresolved issues, so many expectations - I just had to let go and stay in the moment. It seems so strange to me that this is my life, but it is. And, for the most part if I stay on my side of the street and not compare to/with others, I am good with it.
(((Hugs))) girl - you work a good program. You can/will get through this. Just stay focused and trust HP and the answers will come!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all, of course the next day I don't bring it up but I get the phone call that he's done, he's going attend more AA meetings. I didn't have much to say other than that sounds good. Well, two full days of sobriety and today he is not working due to weather. Cancelled lunch with me so I'm trying to prepare for what I may facing at home tonight. Already have plans for the kids to do something outside the house so I may just tag along. Thank you all for the support and encouragement.
(((Hope))) - try to stay in the moment if possible. That's my favorite tool when I begin to project the worse case scenario waiting for me at home....I love that you've already got a Plan B - that makes perfect sense to me and another tool that helps me keep my sanity.
This disease is so annoying - do the best you can to take care of you and the kids and I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers my friend.....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My daughter and I were just talking about my X's unpredictability because she has a friend at school dealing with a similar situation and the dad is very volatile .. I don't like that and we were discussing how much time there is to much time. It triggers her anxiety and she worries for her friend too.
I don't know if it helps to agree with them, .. I have found ways to disengage the conversation .. you might be right .. I'm sorry you feel that way are two go to things I have said in the past. I have also said to my X's deceased mother now .. It sounds like you don't feel well how about you get back to me in the morning. That usually would wind up with an apology the next day as well as she didn't call when she was drinking because she knew I would hang up.
It is the unpredictability that bothers me most. I asked my XAH to leave the house which resulted in a DUI. I just couldn't take it at that moment and honestly the DUI was the best thing that happened to me because it was what got me to Alanon.
Do you have a sponsor? Are you going to meetings? It really does make a difference and some meetings have child care.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
