Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

alcholism and narricism

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((TOC)) Self centered to the extreme is how the alcoholic is often described--that does seem to mimic narcissism.

The tools to deal with both are the alanon tools that suggest we keep the focus on ourselves, validate our own needs. live one day at a time, focused on ourselves regardless of what others think,say or .do

The alanon slogan of:" utilize do not analyze" comes to mind

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

Yes and mine just indicates hes now starting indiv. therapy and wants to lean on me but understands why he cant .im not sure he REALLY does understand why he cant. . . I dont trust his motives im sad to say. I think this is part of a ploy to buy time, force me to see he can be better and yes part to help his "empty heart & deep loneliness he feels". . I still held that im glad hes seeking help but that my position wont change. He got angry with my tone although i was quite empathetic. .

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

TOC he needs to address his alcoholism--If therapy helps him do this great-- You k now that you are powerless over this disease and that in your professional opinion he must do this himself- You cannot help-- You can have empathy and compassion but you cannot fix him .

His becoming angry with your "Tone" is evidence, to me, that he does not fully grasp the enormity of his actions and his seeking help is not too sincere.

Keep the focus on yourself , your peace of mind and trust HP with the process.

Jazzie18 · Senior Member

This all just seems like minipulation on his part. Keep the focus on yourself and try to gain some serinity in the knowledge that your future is going to be very bright and peaceful one day soon!

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

Gosh i hope so. . I struggle do with being patient. I just want OUT. But i have to be wise. . And today being wise means saying no more to.him on this subject. . I wont ask about his cnslg session either. . Nor his next recovery meeting. .That seems so uncaring on my part but i dont want to feed into his idea that this can just continue status quo. .

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Ocean,
What you wrote about feeling "uncaring" really resonated with me. That was so hard on my part and I struggled with it. I was taught by my non-alcoholic family to be interested in what other people did. My automatic response to the spouse was, "how was your meeting?" and I would get a "I'm not talking about it TO YOU!" If I didn't ask I would beat myself up for not being polite and interested.

He also was, and still does, exhibit a huge personality trait of narcissism. That is the one thing, in 15 years of going to meetings, that did not change. Whenever he says something to me my first thought is "what's in it for him." When I can figure that out I know how sincere he is.

Expectations, expectations, expectations.......

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

maryjane - I agree. I too was raised to ask questions out of interest, care and conversation. I've truly had to examine doing that with my qualifiers as they assume I am prying, being nosey or trying to control.

The safe questions are How Are YOU? And Are you OK? That's it.

I give myself one question per day - as beyond that, especially in one setting and they react.

I can say that if his tone is 'nasty', it's still the disease. Fear also - as my go to for fear used to be snappy, angry words.

For me, I have to remember that I am powerless over alcohol(ism)(ic). When I forget this and move the focus from me and my recovery to them and what they are/are not doing, I am or can get as sick as they are in a very short period of time.

When I expect nothing, I am pleasantly surprised by anything positive and forward facing.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Maryjane, you make a really good point and that 'uncaring' word resonated with me as well. I struggle with finding the line where I've cared enough and am likely to tip over into anger and resentments.

As to narcissism - some of my most entertaining friends are narcissists and as long as I'm not holding out for any emotional support from them they have given me hours of entertainment and amusement. A sense of humour regarding their childish self-centred comments has given me plenty of chuckles.

However, I have now experienced the hurtful and vengeful side of narcissim and I have come to learn how utterly bottomless that selfishness can be. I am learning that for me that is unfathomable and I tend to prefer the company of more balanced, sociable people these days.

TrishaG · Member

I have an AHusband I remarried for the second time and we agreed to stay living apart. So for the last 7 years if I want to vent or just discuss things with him he takes that as griping and leaves.im so tired of the controlling attitude and realize he's punishing me for wanting to speak about these things.i feel no comfort from him and am feeling like I should split for good. He's never going to completely be there emotionally for me. Last year he left on Christmas Eve and New years Eve. Now at least once a week.
I am so unhappy but insecure about being by myself even though I have my own house and a good job. Whats wrong with me?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Trish Living with the disease of alcoholism we abandon ourselves, focus on pleasing others, so that our self esteem and self worth suffers and we become filled with irrational fear.
Alanon meetings and tools will help to restore your ability to live life with courage, serenity and wisdom. Face to face meetings are listed in the white pages and our on line meeting here are great. It is all a process and takes time and dedication You are so worth it.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

It was amazing to me to realise that all the behaviours, traits etc i could list in the drinkers in my life were present in me too. The disease of alcoholism has a set of symptoms that we have too. It wasnt until i became aware of this, accepted it that i began to take the action needed to begin my own recovery from the disease.x

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene