The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi again.....I just needed to put into words, the emotions I have experienced over the past 6 days since splitting with my partner.
I think I've experienced every emotion possible. Sadness, lost, lonely, guilty, concern for his well-being. Moments when I feel like running back hoping that everything will change, but knowing it never will. Sadness and frustration at my situation once again. Wondering why I keep getting myself into situations like this. But in amongst all this, I have laughed and smiled and have found strength, although sometimes my strength weakens. For some reason I feel guilty when this happens though. I feel like Ive let my daughter down and the rest of my family because of my poor choices in the husband and then partner, who I chose to be with.
My partner still contacts me at times. Drunk, depressed, remorseful and in a split second he's angry, verbally abusive. Nothing in his life appears to have changed or even looks like it will change. His attitude remains the same and I still feel like its my responsibility to make the changes for him. Its hard for me to detatch myself and walk away, but I know I have to for my own well-being.
I am keeping myself busy to the point of exhaustion in an effort to take my mind off the situation, however the thoughts still creep back into my mind. Tonight Im having a difficult time controlling my thoughts and feelings, probably due mainly because I am totally exhausted and Im hoping tomorrow will bring happy thoughts.
Sorry Ive rambled on for so long, but putting all of this into words helps so much.
You are not alone--Living with the disease of alcoholism provides each of us with painful experiences that we can each identify with -- That is why alanon works.Slogans and the serenity prayer work wonders.
It is very hard, but you have set the boundary and have followed through. You are experiencing a multitude of emotions that, I believe, are quite normal. At this time I would hold tight to my program and face to face meetings and let go and let God. {{HUGS}}
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
JeannieJox - Thank you for your lovely share. For me, change and loss are very difficult when I am prepared and spiritually fit. When I am wrapped up and departing from drama and chaos, all of that makes whatever I am feeling magnified. I am sorry for your pain but see great strength and resolve and self-awareness in your post.
My best suggestion - embrace and throw yourself into the middle of the program. For me, that's where I found comfort and validation that my feelings were either spot on or perhaps over-stated and needing of some processing. It's in this program that I truly learned to not regret my past nor project about my future....just to focus on today.
Every feeling I have when I have suffered a loss or a set-back has a purpose. I never know in the moment the reason and while I wish it would change, stop or go away, the program has helped me to see that it will, in God's time, not mine. Grieving a relationship loss is so difficult for me, and that's when my sponsor, MIP and the program truly help me get through it.
Know that you are not alone, and that this too shall pass. Hang in there and do the best you can to take care of you!! You're worth it!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all. Since posting last night I found out he had one of his old gf's at his house yesterday and a party at his house last night! I feel like someone has stabbed me.
I know that when I am tired and exhausted everything appears ten times worse then it really is. If I can get some rest and recharge my batteries through sleep, yoga, meditation or something along those lines I usually have a better perspective. I know that my qualifier is not losing sleep over me, usually they are oblivious to the pain they are causing. I tend to torture myself with thoughts of "what if" . What if something bad happens, what if things don't work out etc etc. Life is going to unfold as it is meant to and things are going to happen that I don't like but its in my best interest to be in the best mental and spiritual and physical l condition that I can be so that I can cope. Take care of you and your daughter and be gentle with yourself. It has only been six days yet you are voicing some really positive things too.
Im going to my first meeting tomorrow night. Its not an easy thing for me to do, but I know I need to get knowledge and support from people in a similar situation.
Jeannie - So excited to hear that you're going to your first meeting! I understand it's not easy - the first one is the scariest. Hopefully you'll be with a great group that will make you feel at home. If not, try another - most groups are great....I went to two different ones before I found my 'home group'.
As far as what 'he' is doing, I am sorry and do know that hurts. However, you've chosen to work on you and be the best you possible. You've chosen recovery. Work on letting him go as you already became aware that he and you together is not the best fit. My experience - when I work hard on me and letting go of that which isn't good for me, I am rewarded ten fold. I seriously have faith that we were put on this earth to have a wonderful life. As long as I'm still breathing, I'm still using that as my ultimate goal with peace and serenity along my path.
(((Hugs))) to you - keep posting - you're not alone. Also, please let us know how your meeting goes!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
i have been finding that the phrase i picked up on the board is very helpful " they dont have to worry because you do" detach and try to let him do his own problem solving. i know that is hard believe me..
Aloha JJ and great first effort!! In support from Hawaii and I hope your 1st meeting leads into your 2nd. Come back and let us know how it went. Prayers sent. ((((hugs))))
